She let a man come over 7 years ago and he has not yet left. She is on reduced housing and is suppose to live alone. She has now developed urinary incontinence and occasional fecal incontinence. She is falling down (probably drunk). She has indicated that the "male friend" is now verbally abusive and she wants him gone. However, she will not call the authorities as she wants others to handle the situation other behalf.

My husband has health issues. My brother believes she is doing harm to herself and refuses to help. She has "burned bridges" with all her siblings who have homes in which they could take her in.

I am being sucked dry and only just became involved in April, 2014! I work a stressful job. I have taken her to establish medical care and found that she is 79 pounds at 5'5". I was hoping that they would hospitalize her for stabilization. She is now receiving meals-on-wheels.

I am all over the place trying to find in-home care, a new home for her, etc. She has limited income, of course, and has not planned for her future. We have had a difficult mother daughter relationship from the beginning and I could not wait for 18 to get away, as I could not tolerate her verbal abuse. She always chose the wrong men and would let the deadbeats inevitably move in. Now 30-years later, I feel back stuck in a similar position. Only now, she is a shell of the person she once was. I vacillate from wishing that she'd pass away to wanting to make her life better. I have applied for in-home care for her, but it is taking forever. She does qualify for Medi-Cal benefits, but a case worker has not yet been assigned. I have had to get a phone turned on, paid for medication not covered by Medicare, incontinence supplies, etc. Signed Reluctant Daughter Stuck in California

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I think you've done exactly enough for her. Keep in touch with Medi-Cal until the caseworker has been assigned, then give yourself permission to end contact with your mother. Maybe find some counseling to coach you through the process, because getting some support really helps. Good luck!
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Dusty, if she is 5'5" and only 79 lbs, she is too sick and weak to go anywhere. I don't know if AA visits the dying , but that is what it would take.
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You got away at 18 because it was killing you. Don't get sucked back in. An Al-Anon meeting would go a long way in helping your state of mind. Shortly she will be booted out of subsidized housing for having a roommate. When she does, do not lift a finger, do not take her in, do not enable her in any way. She has made her choices. About all you could do now is have Hospice evaluate her and let them see to her care. Medicare covers Hospice.
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Feel proud of what you are doing. Getting her signed up for MediCal and doing the difficult and time-consuming paperwork tasks is extremely helpful and very good of you.

You are doing what you can. Congratulations.

Please don't get sucked up into doing what you can't. You can't stop Mother from smoking and drinking. You cannot change her taste in men. You are not responsible for her self-destructive tendencies.

Setting up the housing, the in-home care, the financial aid -- those are very difficult tasks, but once they are accomplished the stress and the effort about those kinds of things lessens considerably. You can and will get through this phase! (I know it sometimes doesn't feel like it!)

Seeing the your mother has food and shelter and medicine is enough. You cannot force her to change. You cannot be responsible for her poor decisions.
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