How do you heal after almost a lifetime of difficult care and demands from your older, mentally and physically unhealthy parents?
My older parents have been in and out of the hospital since I was in high school (I'm in my 40s now). I'm an only child with no aunts or uncles. It slowly acclimated to my mom having a stroke and passing away a year later. The home care attendants were in a crime ring and slowly robbed my parents, took loans and after my mom passed away, stole the credit card and bank information. They stole one of the cordless home phones and chargers to call the CC company and bank to ask for more cards, state they were traveling.... I had to piece all of this together with the police investigator's help. The attendants had prior check fraud charges but their attendant agency that charged $21 an hour supposedly didn't know about it ) I'm not the main decision maker, my father is and he makes very bad decisions exposing my parents to home attendants that stole from them, a relator who undersold their house by several thousand and so much more. I don't want power of atty and I don't think my father would give it to me because he wants to be in charge. It's been a lifetime of watching them and now him make bad decisions. They threw money out the window like it was nothing (one example- they stayed in a fancy hotel for 3 years, while keeping their expensive home instead of getting medical help or moving to a different house - my mom thought something was making her sick at the house). I have bent over backward to help them sacrificing my well being while feeling like they don't appreciate me or want me to have my own life. They have felt like terrible children since I was a teen so I have not had my own. I have repressed anger that shows itself when I'm pushed too hard. The main things I don't like is that I don't know how to feel better and no one understands if I try to talk about it. I have tried many things and types of therapy. I have ignored the pain and anger it and fooled people and myself but it still surfaces.
I still have to help my 83 year old father and he is still getting into messes. I don't want to do this anymore. He has no respect or appreciation for me and I was trying to do the "right thing" by helping them. I just feel like I've thrown my sanity and life away. I wish I had moved away years ago and had a cordial, long distance relationship.... at least one of the 3 of us would still be healthy. The disasters happen and are hidden for me to find out about regardless if I'm in the picture or not. What would you do to heal? Please be kind.
Stop. Right there. WHY do you HAVE to help your father?
He doesn't want help. He wants to be "in charge".
Let him be in charge. Let him be.
Be a daughter, not a manager. When there is a bad decision and a "mess"--"gee Dad, that's too bad. I don't know how to fix that situation". "Oh Dad, what a sad thing. No, I can't come over to help".
As you point out, he is mentally ill and likely always has been, as was your mom. It's hard to help folks like this. They require professionals.
As Beatty says, let him paddle his own boat.
I am sorry for your loss. I realize that you may not have been close to your mom due to the circumstances but I believe that we still grieve for what we longed for in a relationship.
You say that you have tried therapy and you are still struggling. It takes time. It may be worth considering sessions with a new therapist.
Don’t expect changes in behavior from your dad. Instead, learn to change your reaction. Accept him as he is. This doesn’t mean that you have to like or approve of his behavior.
Part of you is lost and struggling, and another part of you has the answer already. You said it when you said that if you had left earlier on, that you would have been happy. So, follow up on this feeling with planning a life for yourself.
As for how do you heal? One day at a time, by reaching out like you just did. You aren’t alone. This forum will help. A good therapist can help. Making plans for the life you want to live will help. It will all come together.
You may have a few scars, but hey, look at those as your battle wounds and YOU won the battle.
Don’t lose hope. You will make it to a better place in your life.
If you suspect your father is not safe or living in a healthy situation, please call Adult Protective Services. If he is in danger, they will take him out of his home and into a facility. If you do not want to be in charge of his care, the courts will appoint a legal guardian to supervise his care.
So your Father wants to be in charge of his own life. OK...
That would include him making both good and bad decisions for himself. Also probably some very bad decisions... as he has done in the past. Hmmm...
I can understand wanting to keep your family afloat & functioning, especially as a child. To survive.
Like being weighed down pulling their canoes along behind yours for so long.
What if you paddled on alone now? Where you want to go?
Let your Father paddle his own where he wants?
I could feel your pain while reading your post & it brought tears to my eyes.
Rather then add to the excellent advice you’ve received, I’d like to say I sympathize with you & your feelings. It’s a big accomplishment that you are mindful, kind & aware of the human condition. As a fellow only child, I understand how lonely it can be when there’s no one else to help take on the burdens. I’m of a similar age & wish I’d put my life first long ago too.
I’m currently reading, actually listening( audible)to some helpful books.
1. Stop Caretaking the Borderline, Narcissist
2. Out of the Fog
3. Dodging Emotional Vampires
These books came as a result after saying no to a destructive parent & feeling so guilty.
I wish I could give you a hug 🤗 & tell you everything will be ok.
Please believe it’s never too late to make positive changes.
Please don’t accept treatment from anyone if it’s not how you would treat a person. Your life is valuable, you are valuable & I believe in you.
I know that sounds kind of corny but I sincerely mean it.
Place your time and energy into your future. You tried to help your parents. They opted to do things differently than you would have liked for them to do. That was their right, even if they chose to be foolish and make poor choices in life.
Sometimes, the best thing that we can do for someone is to let them fall down, hoping they will figure out a way to get back up.
Allow your dad to work this out on his own. Be kind to yourself now. You deserve it.
Wishing you peace during this transitional period in your life.
That is what nursing homes are for.