How do you handle when a dementia patient forgets important facts, and then feels betrayed because they say they didn't know?

Windyridge, your dad sounds like mine, sweet old guy except for things like carpet cleaned, so we had it done while mom was in the hospital and he was staying there with her, so sidestepped that one but our big issue, and I hate, in a way, to even get into this, otoh, something learned here about dementia affecting "vision"? perception? maybe not so much actual eyesight, which is what thought dealing with, either way, she was still trying to cook, or at least get meals together - if they were just TV dinners - but, again, anyway, not really sure now how, but the kitchen would have all kinds of crumbs, etc., leading to I'm sure you know what, so also while in hospital, was trying to get that taken care of, but seems like somehow didn't get done then, so ended up starting/coming after got back but, thankfully, it actually was an old friend who owned the business so was able to distract dad; he actually knew and maybe because it was long time ago? remembered him from back then...while his helper actually did the work, just had to pay for it ourselves because he never would have, never even realized there was a problem or at least not nearly as bad as it was; he just kept cans on the counter to take care of it; later, after mom was gone, same thing with the fire he started, first was fine, the clean-up because it was free, included in his house insurance, then signed the contract for the reno with the same company so didn't really realize what he was signing, and in a way everything could have wound up being fine even then, too, since he wasn't replacing the personal - household - items that burned that he was paid for, if they'd sent the check directly to the company, but...of course, technically, it was for him to do with what he wanted, which even if it was that, he had to sign - fine, except he had no idea he was expected to pay for anything, so...when they showed up to get their money.....whole other story

There is no reason to a dementia patient. When she says something irrational, simply change the subject. Example: My late mother told me a friend, "T's bleeding internally." I said "Now mother, if T was bleeding internally, she would not still be alive."  My mother's response-"T's bleeding internally. " UGH!!

I understand how you feel. Everytime I visit my aunt with Alzheimer, she gets shocked because I got married and didn´t tell her, worse of all I didn´t invite her to my wedding. Of course she was present at my wedding 12 years ago, but she forgot. She neither can believe I had children and I graduated from school. She just forgot all that. It´s very stressful to have a conversation with her to be honest. With my father is the same thing, he has moderate dementia. Sometimes I just don´t want to talk with him. I get too frustrated. I have learned to choose the subjects that are better to talk with him. As soon as a subject becomes not easy to talk, I change it to another. It works for us.

My mom does not have dementia but when her memory started failing I began a notebook to communicate back and forth. A daily running commentary that she could read back on what happened. On important subjects, I had her sign the bottom of the page or answer in writing. It helped me when I needed to go back in time for a fact or figure as well as provide proof to any sibling that may be expressing doubt.

Welcome to the club! What you may want to do for your dementia patient is check to see if this patient has a deficiency. When my foster dad didn't eat right for long enough, he started having dementia issues and I faced pretty much the similar things you did with hard of hearing and forgetfulness on his part. What I didn't realize until later is that he most likely had a nutritional deficiency causing his brain to malfunction, which is being discovered in today's findings. Not only our new treatments coming available, but new discoveries to better understand the problem now helps people to better combat it. Some people have given these types of patients coconut oil and now there are other specific over-the-counter nutrients for the brain. We take supplements for everything else but neglect our brains when we take them for granted. You may want to look into giving the patient brain supplements because naturally if it doesn't get what it needs, it'll obviously malfunction, which is what some people long since discovered. If you're not deficient, you're far less likely to have problems and one other good example is with asthma. I found something online by accident. It helps with asthma but I'm not sure it's really a cure but it sure does help. Proper nutrition can wipe out lots of today's medical issues and other modern day diseases, and I'll bet you based on research that if given the right nutrients, conditions in dementia and Alzheimer's patients can improve. There have been discussions about this and people have noticed a big difference where cognitive decline has reduced or completely reversed almost completely. There have been numerous discussions specifically about coconut oil, but why buy the expensive oil when you can just eat the whole coconut?

All great comments here. I recommend everyone here to go to Alzheimers Reading Room - an excellent blog for any caregiver who is caring for someone with any type of dementia or Alzheimers. Bob DeMarco puts it all in perspective - he took care of his mom for many years and was very thoughtful in his approach to keeping his mom calm and happy - he explains what he discovered in very simple terms. he helped me tremendously and helped me put into words what I myself had learned and wanted to share with my mom's nursing home about her behavior and how to counteract things - i couldn't believe how much they didn't know!
alzheimersreadingroom.com

Excellent responses here. The only point I'd add is to possibly have some responses 'lined up' so you won't be caught (as) off-guard. While fiblets is cute phrasing [reminds me of 'switch and bait in a car lot' or advertising], it is really YOU (US) learning how to (1) cope and (2) interact-deal with a person with dementia - to support them (1) to be as comfortable and 'un-triggered' as possible; (2) to support their maintaining an even mood; and (3) support the carer to not be triggered. I don't know if you see the insurance ads on tv now - a situation is occurring and someone responds (answers) with a totally unrelated fact about how great this insurance is - and the subject is shifted. We/ you/ us are learning to do the same thing. It is a skill that we learn as we do so stumbling along the way is part of the process. The saving grace is that usually whatever 'we' say is forgotten and we have another opportunity next time.

The people before me have offered great advice, so I won't offer more. I will tell you I understand how frustrating that is. Correcting their incorrect memories will just make them angry or suspicious of you. My grandma used to tell me the way she remembered things, (not remembering events 5yrs before, and thinking they were 25yrs old etc) correcting her literally made her so paranoid of me she started telling horrible stories about me. Most of my family members still believe those stories, and I find myself frantically trying to prove the truth. Moral of the story, follow the above advice, and don't correct her.

I call it 'side-stepping my answers' but it's the same as dancing or fiblets - I love that, never thought to call them fiblets.

When my dad would ask a question that I didn't want to lie, I would side-step it and get him onto another track. Sometimes you have to answer and I would do 'half-truths' - it has to be something you can remember because you never know when they will have a more lucid moment.

Hopefully you will feel better just knowing it happens to all caregivers eventually.

I also agree with komentaightor - sometimes the less said, the easier on everyone.

I was lucky, I got my Alzheimer friend through hospital into rehab and from there straight into a home with a notary calling in some favours. But her home stayed empty and locked for many months because I was afraid she might get out of the home, walk up the road to the corner, turn right, turn right again and find herself in her old street. Luckily security was good, so that never happened. Finally the notary (in charge of her finances) suggested the flat should be rented out to get some income to pay the charges. I did this secretly, not telling anybody except the neighbours. My friend still doesn't know, and her "boyfriend" never asked.
Silence and avoiding the subject are the best strategies. But never explain.

To tell them that a person died is too hard. They feel the pain over and over. I agree divert. Now my aunt will ask me "Did someone in the family die?" I'll just say, "No, not recently, do you want me to let the dog out?" and go on about my business..
And then I'll hear her telling someone else about the person who died and you will think, she knew it all along! Then later, you can tell that she's forgotten again. And so it goes.

When my LO was in that stage, I tried to always act like she was in charge and telling me what to do. I'd say, what a good idea it was for her to stay at AL to get her health back. And how smart it was to do this or that. I gave her credit. She just smiled. And for awhile, I would take a treat and balloon with me when I visited. If she was upset, I'd always say that I had already resolved it, with a phone call and I was there to celebrate the resolution. She would be so grateful and we'd share some cookies and soda.

Hugemom is right. I deal with the same issues with my dad.

His short term memory is shot. It’s a waste of time to play “Don’t you remember so & so Dad?” He doesn’t.  There’s no use in trying to get his buy in for anything around the house, doc appointment etc. We just make plans, then fib, divert, whatever it takes to keep him calm and get things done. My mom’s not very good at it. I should get the Oscar.

So far we’re pretty lucky with Dad as he’s still a pretty sweet old guy. For example, he would never agree to get the carpet cleaned but when the guy showed up, “An old buddy of mine,” Dad was just fine with it.  I told him it was free.  My buddy had some left over soap.  He’ll go for most anything if he thinks it’s covered by insurance or free so I run that story quite a bit.

Tell you’re mom whatever she wants to hear and don’t nuts trying to accommodate the dementia.

I try to do what Hugemom did. My mom is somewhere in the middle of the stages. She forgets daddy died and goes looking for him. Fibblets do not always work for her. She gets mad because she says nobody told her he died and when is the funeral. But a little bit later she may remember. She also calls and says she can't find her parents phone number in the book. Then we go through it all again. Mama, if your 84 then how old would your mom be? Mostly nothing works the same each time. It happens to everyone over and over. We just muddle through with calming meds and love. Eventually this phase will be over. It is SO HARD!

Yes, a lot of us have been there. I was before Mom passed in November. I learned you can’t reason with dementia patients. By the time you’ve finished with the explanation or reminder that “we already explained this”,they’ve forgotten where you started. This is where the “dance lessons”come in. You need to tap dance around the truth. Tell Mom you’re having the house painted and it’s not done yet. Or having it fixed up some other way. I constantly fibbed to my mom. Trying to explain, ad infinitum to her the truth of the way things were was frustrating for me and upsetting for her.

I learned this from an aide at her facility. She was a blessing!