How do you handle the stress and guilt of placing your husband in assisted living?

Sharmont, I am in a similar situation. I am sending my husband for 1 week Memory Care respite care in August, as a prequel to full time placement. For the past 3 years, I have been a stay at home wife, taking care of him. The only time I was away was the 3 weeks I was in hospital/rehab after an accident. As the ambulance was taking me to the trauma hospital, I was on my cell phone arranging for friends to stay with him until my sister could get to my house.
I am exhausted all the time. He doesn't sleep at night, no meds will work to get him to sleep at night.

When i visited the facility for respite care, I was happy to see all the activities they had for the residents. At home he is either in bed all the day. Or sitting in his recliner watching TV. I think that having different things to do throughout the day will be better for him. So, the guilt has left me because I know I've done the best that I can for him, I just can't do it for much longer. Sending a great big hug because I've been in your situation and it SUCKS!

Now that you have placed your husband do something special for your self to help you destress. It was a very hard thing for your to do by placing your husband. Know that you have been successful in caring for him - even by placing him in AL because you recognized that you were no longer able to care for him and the best care would be in another setting. You are still his caregiver - you are there to advocate that he gets his needs filled, you will be there to iron out the wrinkles that come up and solve problems that arrive in a facility setting. He now has a whole team 24/7 to do the hands on care.

If you husband is angry and hurt because of the change in his living situation, try and be patient and accepting of his emotions. Let him adjust and learn to rely on his new caregivers.

Now is the time to care for yourself - go out and linger over coffee; lose yourself in a good book; have a spa day. Also remember, you did nothing wrong. You chose the best solution you could.

May you and your family be blessed with peace, grace, love.

Why have you placed your husband in AL? You know all the emotions you've gone thru, and you came to realize that it's more than you can handle. And now you feel the guilt of what, not being able to do more? Not being able to keep him at home, knowing you are over stressed? You've reached your caregiver limit, your ability to cope with the demands of the job. With great consternation, you've admitted to yourself that you must find a new home for him. That's a positive move, not a negative one. Many of us have had to make the same decision to free ourselves from the relentless responsibility of caring for our spouses. That's not to say you're no longer caring for him. You certainly ARE caring for him, by insuring that he will be better cared for by people who understand his behavior and illness better than you.

I can't help you get over your guilt, but I assure you that your guilt is misplaced. Think about replacing it with the sense of relief from the primary responsibility of his care, and the gratitude that you had the strength to care for him until you no longer could.

You say you're tired of hearing people say how patient and caring we're suppose to be. Those are people who haven't had the experience of being a dementia caregiver. So what do you do? You ignore it. You know the toll it takes.

Remind yourself that you’re looking out for your husband at a time he can’t do it for himself. It’s a considerate and kind act to ensure his good care in a setting appropriate for his needs. It’s okay to be sad, life has taken a turn neither of you wanted, but guilt is wasted and misplaced. I hope you’ll both find peace

While you've always been a team in your marriage, the reality is that eventually we don't age at the same pace and one of you will need a different level of care than the other.

You are fulfilling your vows of "in sickness and in health" by doing what will be best for your husband. Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean you are automatically gifted with the knowledge to be a full-time medical expert and caregiver, so you are doing what is truly best for him.

It's OK to feel guilty and sad, but it isn't a sign that you're a bad person. Just allow yourself those feelings and work your way through them.

By acknowledging and accepting that you are doing what is in the best interest of your husband, his safety and his care. And there should be no guilt, as that is for people that have done or are doing something wrong. What you are feeling is grief, not guilt, and that is very normal. All of us that have have cared for a loved one, have grieved what we've lost over the years with our loved ones. It's called anticipatory grief, and it's the grief that comes before our loved one has died, as we mourn what used to be and is no more.
So please don't beat yourself up. If you're at the point where your husband requires more care than you can provide, then you must do what is best for you both. I wish you peace in your heart.