Follow
Share

For example: Last year we talked to momma for two months on how we were going to handle christmas that year. Since she just went into assisted living and was recovering from sublateral hemotomos we didn't think she could handle christmas shopping so we decided to still exchange gifts - like we have done for the past 60 years - but she would just give extra money. Well - there we are christmas eve - I have my presents - and nobody had any for us! We sat there and watched everybody open up their presents. Then momma said "where are your presents"? I almost blew a gasket. By the end of the night siblings knew that momma messed up. Yes she did - but what hurt me the most is that my siblings didn't even send me a text message or phone call to check on me to see if I was alright or say "hey, so sorry that happened" - "are you ok"? Nothing. Due to other events that have happened over the last couple of years involving money. I am POA, Trustee and everything else - I feel like my siblings did not reach out to me for spite. Needless to say husband and I are not having christmas with everybody over there. Now we are going to drive over and see momma - take her out to dinner and I will have something for her but I have no desire to be around my siblings. Also the last two previous years before this one - momma pretty much messed up on those. I know she can't help it but siblings should know that momma has some medical issues. They are more concerned about their inheritance then anything - always have been. It is sad.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I suggest that all communication with siblings be via a group text message. Then everyone gets the same info and you do not have to get into a discussion about any of it.

I implemented this with family because I was just not going to be caught up with the whining etc.

we always had Christmas at home. I never invited any of the family because my brother would show up to insist on getting money...the rest would say they would come and then ghost us. So, it’s all about expectations. If someone said they were coming (ever), I never told my parents because I didn’t want them disappointed
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
akababy7 Dec 6, 2019
That sounds like a great idea but siblings ignore all of my text messages, but they will send me ugly messages if it has to do about money. I am POA.
(0)
Report
I agree that you expected too much from Mom. Your profile says she suffers from Dementia. Even in the early stages I would not give Mom the responsibility of telling the others this info and expect her to remember the details.

Really, was it your siblings fault?

I like this years idea. A nice quiet dinner with Mom

We stopped exchanging between siblings a long time ago. Basically it had to do with distance and mailing. Started with once u had kids, the adults dropped off. Then it was the SILs not wanting to exchange anymore. Oh, they gave to their blood relatives but not husbands relatives. One SIL never got packages out for Xmas. My kids got them for Easter and it looked like after Xmas leftovers. No thought put into them so stopped the exchange.

Its sad but things change. Our glue (Mom) got old and no one picked up the traditions. In-laws have their families. I have one SIL that never had children and we have chosen to still exchange. But that has changed the last few years. She is buying more on line and there is not that personal touch. Stores are not stocking as much and giving big discounts before Xmas. So after Xmas sales are sparse and thats where I picked up things. Seems like it same old same old. Running out of ideas. Also, they used to come home every year. Now its mailing everything. I will be telling her this will be the last year. Actually at our ages we don't need more stuff.

I am finding out if you don't expect you won't be disappointed.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
akababy7 Dec 6, 2019
I was not expecting anything from momma - gifts or telling the siblings about the gift exchange. She was going to give extra money instead of gifts and the telling part - she did that on her own. Since siblings ignore everything that I say they believe her when she is the one that has some medical issues. I am not saying it was my siblings fault. I was pointing out that momma is the one that got it wrong and they knew that but did not even reach out to me. The Christmas before this one we were "making" Christmas for everybody and momma %%$$$ at me for two days and then on the third day she asked me why I was mad. She said some hateful things. The Christmas before that one my brother cussed out my mother and my husband and I got pulled into the argument and of course I was blamed for it. You know since we lost dad my husband and I were trying to have a Christmas with momma and siblings to keep things together but it does seem like that is not working anymore. I think it is sad if anybody else doesn't think so. Also I don't believe that when you get to a certain age you don't need anything - maybe so but that is not the point.
(0)
Report
By the time parents are in Assisted Living, it's time to do away with gifts entirely, including money, which to me constitutes a gift. Christmas, at this point in life, needs to boil down to its original intent: the birth of Christ and quality time spent with loved ones.

Just my 2 cents worth.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
akababy7 Dec 6, 2019
I agree with the birth of Christ but don't know about the part of quality time spent with loved ones. Mind you we are going to take momma out for dinner and spend time with her.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Watching family traditions fall apart is one of the saddest things about aging...Mom or Dad (usually Mom, it seems) is in charge for so many years and then things start to slip, feelings are hurt--it may take years before this is really noticed or acknowledged.

My own mother has pulled back from 'gifting' us adults and I wish she would from gifting the grands (youngest is 22!) and the great grands who have NO IDEA who she is. She gives them a $1 bill and gets mad because they do not acknowledge it to her. I've begged her for YEARS to stop with the $5 bill in a card for both the grands and g-grands. B/C she gets so mad that so few of them send a thank you card (this younger generation just doesn't DO TK cards) and so I told her to stop 'gifting' them at all. She is on a tight income and it adds up.

It just adds to the stress of an already incredibly stressful time of the year.

Sounds like it's time for you to break off from your family and do your own thing. Traditions are great, but they never last more than 3 generations, then they simply die under their own weight.

And don't feel guilty!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think your plans sound wonderful. They don't even have to be done on Christmas day. Find out when the Sibs are coming. If they come on Christmas then take Mom out on Christmas eve and enjoy the music and lights of the day in your own home. If they come on Christmas eve then Christmas Day is yours to celebrate with your Mom. Take her for a ride to see decorations and out for a wonderful dinner. Have a good time, don't talk about the sibs, say you love them but love them best from afar, if Mom asks. Keep things positive and fun. Good luck. It's a tough season for MANY of us.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you know that they are spiteful why do you put yourself in a position to get kicked?

I haven't done holidays with my birth family for decades because of the hateful drama. We have our own joyful holidays and let others do as they please. It took about 5 years for them to stop harassing me about doing holidays. Nope, not ever putting myself or my husband in that position again, yep, I am the bad guy and I am okay with that.

Enjoy the holidays in a way that brings you joy, your siblings obviously don't.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
akababy7 Dec 5, 2019
I just learned that last year the hard way.
(0)
Report
Momma told siblings that we were not going to do gifts - wrong. I was not expecting her to give gifts. She just entered assisted living that October. We had christmas there at the facility. Momma is paying for her assisted living - well - long term care insurance is. When I say siblings did not contact me when they knew that momma messed up - it was a way to get back at me. They are like that because I hold POA for momma and they are used to getting money out of her - and stealing money out of her - so I have to be very protective. I can tell you story after story about that.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
FloridaDD Dec 5, 2019
It sounds like a misunderstanding, and frequently happens with the elderly.  it sounds to me like you should be handling communication in the future, and not relying on mom.
(1)
Report
Momma was supposed to give you (and your siblings?) money instead of gifts. So how did that have anything to do with what your siblings got you? Seems like THEY messed up and not your momma.

Seems like your entire family needs to tone down Christmas, if you are discussing it for two months prior. Did someone take your mother out of AL to go to someone's else? Or did you all go to the AL?

How are your siblings more concerned with their inheritance than with your mother? Is your mother paying for AL?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
akababy7 Dec 5, 2019
No - momma messed up by telling siblings incorrectly that we were going to do gifts. What bothered me the most is that after siblings knew that momma messed up they didn't reach out to me and say anything about it. Momma is paying for assisted living and we had christmas there. Siblings have always been more concerned about their inheritance than anything. Always been like that.
(0)
Report
Without knowing a little more, it sure sounds like you need to establish your own holiday traditions. And perhaps your momma is no longer able to do what she once did, and may have memory issues. And now you know what your siblings think, so act accordingly. I am sorry, it is always hurtful to be the one doing the giving and then to be forgotten/slighted, regardless of the situation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I mean in the nicest way, I think your expectations were too high.  I do not think a parent in assisted living should be expected to give any presents.   Please don't regard this as her ruining things, this year just accept that she is not up to gift giving.   We just do a nice meal with no gifts at all.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
akababy7 Dec 5, 2019
I didn't expect momma to do gifts. That is why we suggested that she just give extra money.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I am confused.

Who was supposed to tell your siblings about the planned gift exchange? You or your Mama?

The holidays used to cause me incredible stress, all the work fell on me. I sounds like you have a good plan for this year. A quiet celebration with your Mama.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
akababy7 Dec 5, 2019
Momma told siblings incorrect that we were going to do gifts.
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter