How do you handle the demand, "Take me home, now! There is nothing wrong with me!"

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This question is daily from my husband who has had several strokes and is physically & mentally disabled (vascular dementia). He can seem perfectly of sound mind at times but then has delusions and does not grasp the fact that he can not ambulate safely without standby assistance, is incontinent, unable to dress himself, has been losing weight for 4 months, etc, etc. He becomes severely agitated, yelling and screaming because he thinks he's at home and there are strangers in his house and someone changed the flooring and everything else, or that they made a duplication of his room and he's in the wrong one. I've told him repeatedly that I'm unable to care for him anymore and he just argues that he can care for himself. I gently put him off but I can never leave without feeling like I've let him down.

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Thank you all for your help. It helps so much knowing there are many in the same situation.
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If it is a broken record statement, perhaps you can give him only one or two simple answers: we are waiting for the doctor to say it is safe to go home. You need to get better . Or we will see next time
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Carole,
Sounds like good advise from Isthisreallyreal. A break for awhile would hopefully nip it in the bud. There is no reasoning with them, whether they have dementia and can't mentally care for themselves or whether they have physical decline and can't physically care for themselves. The hard, cold fact is they CAN'T do the job and they need to be where they are.

I would "postpone" the issue by saying they need him to stay because they want him to get stronger.  That doesn't involve a definite day or date. Redirect him right after that. Cut your visit short if you have to. Don't put up with badgering or verbal abuse.

The doctor covering the facility should assess his mood and try a medication that can "even out" his temper without making him too lethargic.

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm sure not how you wanted things to be in your later years with your hubby.
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My dad was planning a move home, 450 miles away. No matter what I said or did he was obsessed with the move. I finally went no contact for 1 week and he has calmed down, he needs to stay for another month to make sure everything is okay. So, I feel like I have been given a reprieve of 1 month, I am praying that it will just go away if no one brings it up. I have asked everyone to leave it alone and let him save face, he has been a horse's hinnie about it, a guy thing my husband told me. Important to save face, so I'm praying it works.

Maybe taking a break after telling him honestly that home, in his condition, is NOT an option. Whatever you do, please take care of yourself, I was at the point of a nervous breakdown from all of the badgering, he just wouldn't stop. Now I am able, after my break, to just ignore his bad behavior.

Best of luck getting him calmed down and contented where he needs to be right now.

Hugs and love to you😙
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Has he seen a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist ? There are meds that might help with his agitation and delusuons. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
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Carole515, have your hubby tested for an Urinary Tract Infection. An UTI in an older person can cause yelling, arguments, even violence. This can be treated with antibiotics.

So sorry you are going through this. Please note whenever a patient with memory issues are saying "take me home" usually they are saying they want to go back to their childhood home. Back when life was simple and fun as a child.

It is ok to use "theraputic fibs" by saying "maybe tomorrow", and if you think your husband is back in the 1940 or 1950 when he is saying that, you can also use other fibs such as "no one is home right now". I used that with my very elderly Mom and she accepted that. She would forget about it until days later and ask again.
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I wish I knew something helpful to tell you. My husband and I are having the same problem with his mother, and, from what I've read on the forum, many many other people are in the same boat.

Most of the posts I've read about this problem say there's no point in trying to reason with the person. He can't understand. Some people say they try to redirect the person's attention to something else or tell "therapeutic fibs" like maybe you'll be able to come home when you get a little stronger.

You haven't let him down. You recognized that he had reached the point that you could no longer provide the care he needed, and you got him to a place where he could get that care.
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