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My 90-year-old parents both have dementia. That, plus their advanced osteoarthritis, has made it impossible for them to live independently. My two sisters and I take turns caring for them in their home, even though it takes two of us 1,000 miles away from our own homes to do so. They require 24/7 supervision, because they are both fall risks and are also incontinent. Anyone who thinks adult diapers are sufficient has never dealt with an adult who is completely incontinent and mostly helpless.

So here's my big frustration. My sibs and I are the only things keeping Mom & Dad out of a nursing home, which they dread. Yet they both accuse us of overmedicating them, stealing from them, plotting against them, etc. I know intellectually that it's the dementia and I shouldn't take it personally, but it's really hard when I (and my sisters) am going out of my way, leaving my husband back home, being gone for a month at a time, being at their beck and call 24/7, and not only NOT hearing please and thank you, but getting abuse in return.

Maybe I just need to vent right now, but I hate getting these nasty accusations when all I am trying to do is help them and give them the life they want, not stick them in a nursing home, which might be where they belong. All of their doctors tell us how much better they are doing since we started taking care of them five years ago. Yet my parents seem to resent having us around. And they absolutely will not acknowledge that they have any dementia. So if anyone who has experience with dementia patients can speak to that, please do.

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Your life revolves around theirs, you make sure they have everything they need so that they can have the privilege of staying in their own home and they treat you like that? I think that's awful.
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My cousin did this with my aunt and uncle for years. She hired 24/7 aides. She and her brother managed the grocery shopping and stuff like that. Constant accusations from my uncle (my aunt only had heart disease, not dementia). Their feet of going to a facility was that they'd be separated. Having endured WWII apart, they were not about to do that again.


I'm not sure how you are doing this, or how you're going to keep this up, and not give up your health. Then, where will mom and dad be? In a facility, with no one to look out for them.

Did your children whine and cry when taken to the doctor when small? Yeah, mine did too. But I knew they needed checkups. I knew better than they did. Perhaps you know better than your parents now.
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I know about accusations. It is very difficult.
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Even though I know in my head, it's the disease talking, in my heart it still hurts. I pray and take my xannex.
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There always comes a time when we need to do what is best for our parents, even though they might think otherwise. I hope your parents are paying for you and your sister's airline tickets.

Do your parents still live in a single family home? Are they able to keep up the maintenance, pay the real estate taxes, etc.?

Why do your parents dread going into a continuing care facility? Have they ever visited one to see what they are like today? Or are they going on a very old stereotype of what nursing homes were like back in the early 1900's?

My parents still live at home, and in Dad's mind he still thinks he can go everything he did back when he was in his 40's... not uncommon to see Dad up on a ladder at 93. I just cringe when I see that. I refuse to enable my parents because they made the choice to continue to live in that big house... it wasn't my choice. Sorry, Dad, I am not climbing up a ladder at my age [68] !!

Sounds like your parents need another layer of care. Enough is enough... give them two choices, either hire caregivers to help 168 hours per week OR move into a continuing care facility. Otherwise either you or your sister will crash and burn from exhaustion... then what?... one of you will be away from home for the next 5 years.
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