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Many of you have suggested not arguing with the dementia patient. But what do you do when your mother calls people fat, idiotic, or other demeaning adjectives?


What do you do when your mother burps then follows it up with a very loud comment: "Pigs out walking!" I know some of you must have laughed at this, but she never in her life would have spoken like this and now she is inappropriate quite often.


It's annoying in private, but embarrassing in public.


Aside from the verbal issues, there are physical annoyances to deal with. She constantly drums her fingers, then touches her mouth/nose in a circular motion, then flicks her nose and scratches her head. Repeat ad infinitum. I know it sounds crazy, but this is my reality when I'm caring for my mother.


She is driving me and my sister crazy and I feel both guilty and angry about the whole thing. My father died of colon cancer, and as tough as it was dealing with and caring for him, I believe dealing with an Alzheimer's patient is even more difficult. It has been helpful to read other's comments and know what I'm feeling is not unusual. So...your suggestions on the next time she calls someone an idiot?

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I know you realize that moms brain is broken and she can't help what comes out of her mouth.

The thing that got me through was standing a bit behind her and mouthing "dementia" while pointing to my head. It takes a couple seconds but most people caught on. If not, I'd say something in a low voice, since my mom is hard of hearing.

I've found 98% of people to be understanding and not hold it against her. The other 2% are really undereducated and don't know what dementia is. Sometimes another word works better....senile, lost her mind, etc.

Someone on this board suggested making up little business type cards that explain the situation. That would work if you could slip it to them.

I'm sorry.  We've all been highly embarrassed by our demented loved ones. Explain to her visitors beforehand if you can.
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I used to work at a Catholic LTC facility and some of the Sisters with dementia could out-swear a sailor any day :)

We all feel angry, embarrassed , etc. when our loved one acts inappropriately. Unfortunately it is part of the disease.

SueC has some good suggestions. I agree that once people realize that dementia or Alzheimer's is causing your Mom to act out, they usually understand and "forgive" that person.
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My father was a nightmare and then they put him on Risperdal and it helped a lot. When he would "start up" I would remind him of going back to the memory care facility and that tamed him. So he does, to some small extent, have ability of self-control of outbursts and rude behavior even if he cannot find the coffee cups anymore.

Talk to your doctor about medication as many do have side effects and some are very dangerous. Risperdal is one that many avoid for this purpose but without it he would not have been able to come home as he was unbearable and even dangerous. IMO it was and still is worth the risk as if he were in his right mind he would accept this risk gladly.

Now I do not buy into this idea of them not having any idea of what they are doing bs - many do to so SOME extent. If she chooses to act like a spoiled child then treat her as such and see what happens. Pull up some nursing homes and memory care facilitates and show her and then start talking as if she WILL be going into one "if she is too much for you to handle -- it is for her own good you will claim". You might notice she will get a hold of herself and behave for a while which would prove that she has some control at this time.

I have done things like this with my father and notice that he IS manipulative to some point... It is a game you must play to ascertain where they are and it is not easy to play.
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Teepa Snow does a talk about the area of the brain that houses social chit chat, rhythmic speech (poetry, music) and insulting talk is often left operational when the areas of the brain for other speech are deteriorating. There are cards you can have printed that quietly alert waitresses, salespeople and others that your companion suffers from dementia. I don't think you can discipline this issue away. I hope others will chime in with how to cope. But it is apparently part of this horrible disease.
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My grandmother had Alzheimer's and she would say the most inappropriate things in public about other people, especially about their race. And God help me if I took her to brunch and we had a waiter or waitress of another race. I love the idea of making up little cards that say something like, "My mother suffers from Alzheimer's. Please forgive her." Like a business card but more attractive.

I would try to keep my grandma distracted when we went out. I didn't know at the time that this was "diversion". I had to practically put on a skit at brunch to keep her attention on me and not the other customers or staff.

And what's tragic is that my grandma would never, ever say cruel things about anyone. She was a genteel southern lady and would be mortified if she knew what she was saying.
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Checkout Teppa Snows care for the caregiver it's on you tube . She has help me feel grounded and offers great advice .
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The idea of the business cards is sheer genius!!!! I wish I would have been that clever. My father was so bad and so loud in waiting rooms, I would have needed to pass out full size sheets of paper by the ream ...... It is a miracle nobody punched him...(or me!)
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I tell people that DH gets confused easily and I also tend to start with, he's 96-1/2 (or whatever age he is/was at the time).

Just starting with his age, most people just nod their heads in understanding. Following this with he gets confused and no one has gotten ugly with him.

I don't even whisper anymore - not only is he deaf as a doorpost - he won't remember in 30 minutes.

However, tell his physician about it as possibly something like Zoloft might help. It doesn't have to dope him up - DH gets 1/2 pill daily and it just takes the edge off for him so he has quit worrying all the time.

And always check for UTI's.
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Teepa Snow found her online. Lots of good information. Thank you!
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I was in a fast food restaurant with my grandma the other week and she just blurted "I don't think they should be allowed in restaurants" referring to the construction workers that have been a bit too consistent in our area lately but not realizing I ask her "who?" She's "the construction workers" so I ask "why" her response "Because they're dirty especially that one." None of them ever responded so I kinda think they didn't hear but that I think was my first experience with that I just told my mom when she got home I was so embarrassed.
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Personally I would not take them out to eat or to the store. I realize they may need to go to a health appointment but that’s enough torture. I’ve heard of the little cards to hand out which are brilliant.
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We're going through that with my mother in law now. In her case, she can control it somewhat, but she only does around others. Around my wife and I, she's hell on wheels.
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My father has been embarrassing and inappropriate as long as I can remember. Now with vascular dementia it is not that much different. I decided a long time ago I don’t have to apologize for his behavior. When he makes his flirtatious remarks to people, I ignore it-it doesn’t take them long to figure out what is going on. He really thinks he is funny (like Dean Martin and Bob Hope in the 50’s and 60’s). I feel like it is up to others to react however they react. We stopped taking him out because he lost his filter.

I agree with the other answers, those nervous fidgeting things that are getting on your nerves should be brought up with the doctor.
I also treated a pastor’s wife once that swore like a sailor also. Her husband did not know she even knew those words. It is something you will see in people that have had strokes and can’t even talk-but they can sure swear. Different part of the brain, and inhibitions are brain damaged also. Makes for the perfect storm.
Punishing them or threatening them sounds like elder abuse to me. This is not an intentional behavioral disorder-it is brain damage behavioral disorder.
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I agree that threatening to put the Dementia/Azheimers victim is emotional abuse.

If this comes to light, i.e. they complain to a doctor that the caregiver is threatening them in any way elder care protective services might be called.

If this person has only become rude after the diagnosis than it is an illness they have no control over.

It is very difficult to be a caregiver. If there is any emotional baggage on the caregiver's part...i.e. abusive treatment from the parent when the caregiver was a child or even an adult, it can become a dangerous situation very quickly.

In such cases an elder care facility is likely the best choice for the brain damaged elder.
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Your mom sounds like she has terrets [sp?] where they say & do things repeatedly - her dementia makes her do things - you should never be embarrassed by what others do only what you do - you can be embarrassed for them - otherwise it is a case of wanting others to think well of you & that's a bit prideful so jettison those thoughts & deal with her in a loving manner [people will send you good vibes for helping her not negative ones]

Most of the people you see in public are kind & can assess the situation fast - when you do a 'cover-up' then you can look bad because trying to keep her up to the normal behavior is a loosing battle & just talking gently is better - if she still hears well try talking in a lower calm way & she might follow

I don't feel embarrassed when I take mom out because it brings out the best in complete strangers who will let me know when she drops things - if I need to park her in a waiting room then I always say 'I have to talk to the lady over there, so close your eyes for a few minutes but don't think of pussy-cats or butterflies' - I occationally see small smirks for others but she sits quietly & the kitties & pretty butterflies keep her attention for a few minutes

I feel I have a 3 year old whose 92 - would you think worse of a young child doing those actions .... no you would just think that they are going through a 'phase' - so too it is with these elders would have regressed to being a 3 year old again - I make firm instructions when I need to & most often she will follow what I ask but not always -

Just don't expect miracles & maybe some small ones will show up to surprise you - KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOUR AT ALL TIMES it will help with your own sanity
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Welcome to the world of aging parents and our own future. Having an aging parent who says inappropriate things may be embarrassing. Just don't worry what you might think what others may be saying. I have written this many times on this site. The best advice I was given by a friend was to just ignore it as they do not really know or mean what they are saying. Our generation is only learning how to deal with our aging parents because people are living longer and they are more of us. Your biggest concern should be just making sure that your parents are being taken care of and protected. If it's in the public just give them a hug. That should help people who don't understand what is happening a little clue. I took my mom for a walk and she reached out to people that I was going to kill her to please help. Thank God she was in a wheelchair and had grey hair because people just smiled and nodded. They knew.
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Tell her dr to prescribe seroquel...give 1 hr b4 going out...
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"Pig's out walking" made me laugh, but it's embarrassing when it's Mom or Dad, our inspiration, who used to be so polite and respectful.
When my once-gentlemanly military dad was 88, he'd reach into bins to grab candy or nuts then snicker like a sneaky little kid. He'd call women fat, criticize men for wearing caps inside. At a church potluck, he stood up and announced loudly, "Be sure to eat every bean, and pea on your plate!" I might have said, "I'm sorry. Please excuse Dad," but I was too taken by surprise, didn't know who'd heard, and just wanted to become invisible when all those eyes were on us!
I finally stopped bringing him into public places and social settings, which was sad because he loved to be around people. In the memory care facility, he walked down the hallway knocking on every resident's door! Scolding did nothing.
When he was caught kicking at resident's legs who annoyed him, he was sent to a psych unit at the hospital, diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia, put on medicine that spiraled him into decline. There he was in the hospital to be observed, but nobody noticed that he was losing his sense of balance and hardly talking at all. When I talked to the doctor, he immediately stopped the medicine but Dad never regained his balance.
I don't like the idea of "threatening to go to a memory care center". When that becomes necessary, it will feel punitive rather than caring. Alone at home with burned-out caregivers is eventually much worse than in a facility with attentive staff, quirky residents, predictable schedules, meals, snacks, music, and activities. You can then recover your sanity, and go visit often, brightening your loved one's, and other residents', day by interacting with them.
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I learnt from a doctor who wrote an article on her mom who had dementia, that 'gentleness' is the best response. It helped me and my sister with my dad who had dementia so much from then on. Gentleness is key. The minute one reacts negatively, they behave worse and often become argumentative. She doesnt know better now in her current state, just be gentle and say, it's ok , we're happy to be with you and let's not worry about them. Just wink at the people she' refers to. Give her something to do, books, or gardening even if she doesn't do it right. Gentleness works, I promise. My dad never swore in his life, suddenly he would scream at nurses and tell them not to touch his private parts loud. We don't know what goes on in their minds, poor souls.
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What a great thing! Pretty business cards to explain when the loved one is prone to yelling out in public! I use Vista Print's product. Google it to order. It is a very large business.
For $ 10 you can get lovely lovely card to communicate /explain what is going on. I strongly suggest you use their service of providing a person to guide your design choices. Remember that large print is important to reach the most people. In history personal cards were used a lot but went out of style. Be careful to not use words that could help a person scam you with too personal info.
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My mom had no filters either, she always spoke her mind even before the dementia! In public, she would comment, "why is that lady so fat"? I would remind her (in a low voice) to be quiet, "cause if the lady hears you, she'll come over and smack you". My mom got my point! She would scold someone in the store if they picked up the item she had just put back on the shelf. I told her it's "not a big deal" & again redirect her attention. She (as she used to put it) "hate being treated like a kid". I'd remind her I'm just helping cause she forgets, and if it's too much we can go home. As stated above, I too would apologize and mouth the words "dementia", and people seem to accept it.
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Went to a Teepa Snow seminar in our little hometown several years ago, sure wish all the care givers at my moms AL knew about her!!  I'm actually surprised that none of them know who she is, even the Ombudsman I had to deal with recently.
My mom and daughter went to the seminar with me.  It was very enlightening and made this scary journey of  dementia a little less scared of the unknown.  The Seminar helped me prepare wth what was ahead...watching the videos now and again really helped me deal mom and somehow learn to help relieve some of her struggles with just something as simple of how I speak with her. 
My mom is getting worse every day from affects of many TIAs. The biggest thing that bothers her is how people "supposedly" talk to her. I'm seeing now that it's the damage in her brain  and not her just being a brat or nasty lady.  I apologize to the workers that she offends etc. but I sure do wish they would react differently to her like Teepa Snow Sging Caresuggests.
This brain disease is so sad and it's so hard to watch my mom deteriorate. She spent the day at my house yesterday while I watched our new four-month-old granddaughter and I now feel like I have dementia. I can't even put the words together in my head how to write here today.
Teepa  explains what is happening to the brain... she gives much more detailed information of what is happening to the brain more than any doctor has explained to me at all.   I apologize for my lack of trying to get my point across this morning about Teepa Snow, I am so brain-dead from yesterday.
Google Teepa Snow Gems!!!!

Teepa Snow 💜Aging Care=Love
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Here is a link for the Please be Patient business cards.
alzstore.com/please-be-patient-alzheimers-cards-p/0187.htm
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My question is. What is vascular dementia?
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