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Husband has had FTD for 10 years (just NOW diagnosed) I have my own medical issues at 69 and I can't do this anymore. He is different (nicer) to others but abusive (so far verbal/yelling) and so they refuse to "believe" I can't cope anymore?!? BTW the professionals; doctors, social workers, etc all support the decision....the family is absolutely clueless.

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In my experience. people who are not doing the actual caregiving - are often the first to offer unsolicited opinions/advice.

The family member who gave us the worst time (honestly the ONLY family member to give us a hard time) was my FIL's sister. She lived 10 hours away and had not seen him in 10 years. They talked on the phone "regularly", but she had the ability to literally hang up on him and not talk to him if he upset her or was verbally abusive (and she did several times).

When we moved him to SNF, she was VERY vocal. We were abusing him, he was going to die in there (Well technically yes, but it wasn't causative, it was just where he was), the people there were not taking care of him, he was being abused. Nothing we said or did was ever enough for her, nor could we ever convince her it was necessary.

At first it was really hard. But after a while we adopted the "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" mentality.

Family who hasn't been in the trenches - do not get a vote.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2025
@BlueEyedGirl

That is always true. The ones who do none of the caregiving are always the ones with the most to say and have the most opinions.
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Forget about them. This about doing the right thing for yourself, your health and your husband. Placement is inevitable. FTD can lead to physical violence. It can turn a rational and gentle giant to someone you barely recognize any longer.

I don't mean to sound crass, but after a spouse dies, the in-laws will show their true colors. It happened to me.

Your safety comes first and foremost.

Join a support group and get your support there.
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Like BlueEyedGirl said, it's the ones with the least amount of caregiving experience who are the ones doing most of the guilting.

THEY are the ones feeling guilty, and they want to dump that guilt somewhere, so they pick you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If they weren't in the trenches with you carrying the same load as you, they have NO right to complain.
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Invite the dissenting family members to spend 72 hours straight with him.
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TouchMatters Jan 2025
Good idea. Try the 10 years the wife was there. The grass is always greener or ... so many people cannot or do not know how to project their self into another's life situation / circumstance.
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Might as well cut them off completely. The last thing you need is people who make more problems for you at one of the most difficult times of your life. Go silent. Don’t answer your phone. Don’t email. Don’t text.

You can attempt reconciliation later if you wish, but right now you should concentrate on your own well-being as well as your husband’s. You two are the important ones here, not the naysayers.
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So from what I've read in your response below it is actually your own children trying to guilt you huh?
Well the simple solution to that is to tell them both that they are more than welcome to take their stepdad into their homes to care for him. And I will put money on the fact that neither of your children will take you up on that.
So get your husband placed so you can get back to being his wife and advocate and not his burned out and scared caregiver.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2025
THIS ^^^^^^^^ Do this ^^^^^^^. They are more than welcome to move him into one of their homes and take care of him themselves.
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You handle it by asking them why THEY didn't offer take your husband into THEIR home to care for him 24/7 rather than sit idly by for 10 years, and while he was being placed? The Armchair Critics are there to point fingers but do absolutely nothing to help or fix issues. They just pass judgement on others for what they're doing "wrong" w/o a clue about what it feels like to care for a demented and abusive elder for even an hour.
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As said FTD is one of the violent ones. They are stronger than you think and could hurt you.

Actually, I am glad to hear the the Doctors are behind you in this. Just ignore these people. They are not the ones dealing with the day to day things. He is probably very good at showtiming. Do what you need to do for you.

Its really never too early. Actually the earlier you can get them into a facility, the earlier they will except it as their home. When my Mom was in an AL, a man was brought in who tried to escape all the time. I heard one of the aides say "they waited too long".

I never updated anyone. If they wanted to know how my Mom was doing, they could call me. I was POA and I made all the decisions. I am with you that once he is placed to just give everyone his address and stop the updating. When my brothers did not visit my Mom or call me to see how she was, I said nothing to them. They were in their 50s and 60s and they would have to deal with any guilt feelings they have. I have none because I was there thru it all.
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I think I’d say, I’ve been doing this for ten years and holding down a job at the same time. I’m exhausted and can’t do both anymore. If you disagree with my decision I would ask which one of you wants to take over his care? When would you like me to bring him over? If not, please keep your negative remarks to yourself and I will continue to see that he gets good care and if you have any good suggestions I will be glad to hear them End of conversation.
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Cut them out of your life. And don't think for even one minute that you owe them anything.

You are in the middle of possibly the worst crisis in your life, and these people want to throw you under the bus and stomp all over you after you're flattened by it. Let others comfort you. There are many who will. There's no reason for you to feel guilt after doing what's best for him as well as you.

Good luck. I'm sure you've done the right thing, and I'm sorry you have such a horrid family.
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