Husband has had FTD for 10 years (just NOW diagnosed) I have my own medical issues at 69 and I can't do this anymore. He is different (nicer) to others but abusive (so far verbal/yelling) and so they refuse to "believe" I can't cope anymore?!? BTW the professionals; doctors, social workers, etc all support the decision....the family is absolutely clueless.
The family member who gave us the worst time (honestly the ONLY family member to give us a hard time) was my FIL's sister. She lived 10 hours away and had not seen him in 10 years. They talked on the phone "regularly", but she had the ability to literally hang up on him and not talk to him if he upset her or was verbally abusive (and she did several times).
When we moved him to SNF, she was VERY vocal. We were abusing him, he was going to die in there (Well technically yes, but it wasn't causative, it was just where he was), the people there were not taking care of him, he was being abused. Nothing we said or did was ever enough for her, nor could we ever convince her it was necessary.
At first it was really hard. But after a while we adopted the "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" mentality.
Family who hasn't been in the trenches - do not get a vote.
That is always true. The ones who do none of the caregiving are always the ones with the most to say and have the most opinions.
I don't mean to sound crass, but after a spouse dies, the in-laws will show their true colors. It happened to me.
Your safety comes first and foremost.
Join a support group and get your support there.
THEY are the ones feeling guilty, and they want to dump that guilt somewhere, so they pick you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. If they weren't in the trenches with you carrying the same load as you, they have NO right to complain.
You can attempt reconciliation later if you wish, but right now you should concentrate on your own well-being as well as your husband’s. You two are the important ones here, not the naysayers.
Well the simple solution to that is to tell them both that they are more than welcome to take their stepdad into their homes to care for him. And I will put money on the fact that neither of your children will take you up on that.
So get your husband placed so you can get back to being his wife and advocate and not his burned out and scared caregiver.
Actually, I am glad to hear the the Doctors are behind you in this. Just ignore these people. They are not the ones dealing with the day to day things. He is probably very good at showtiming. Do what you need to do for you.
Its really never too early. Actually the earlier you can get them into a facility, the earlier they will except it as their home. When my Mom was in an AL, a man was brought in who tried to escape all the time. I heard one of the aides say "they waited too long".
I never updated anyone. If they wanted to know how my Mom was doing, they could call me. I was POA and I made all the decisions. I am with you that once he is placed to just give everyone his address and stop the updating. When my brothers did not visit my Mom or call me to see how she was, I said nothing to them. They were in their 50s and 60s and they would have to deal with any guilt feelings they have. I have none because I was there thru it all.
You are in the middle of possibly the worst crisis in your life, and these people want to throw you under the bus and stomp all over you after you're flattened by it. Let others comfort you. There are many who will. There's no reason for you to feel guilt after doing what's best for him as well as you.
Good luck. I'm sure you've done the right thing, and I'm sorry you have such a horrid family.
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