How do you handle an elderly parent that lives with you and thinks it's ok to just casually walk into your bedroom without knocking?

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How do you handle an elderly parent that lives with you and thinks it's ok to just casually walk into your bedroom without knocking?

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Burnout Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living

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If your elderly mother goes berserk when you close the door to your bedroom, I think we are looking at a seriously mentally ill individual.

Has she been seen by a psychiatrist?

How is it that you come to live together?

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My mother is 78 and for her to live alone would be unsafe. She is forgetful and not stable mentally. I provide caregiving for her basic needs..cooking and cleaning. She is very demanding of my attention. She gets worked up when I'm not around and she shuts down mentally. When I'm not in her presence she will shut off all the lights in the house..won't eat without me, watch TV without me..etc. I know she needs psychiatric care but her primary care physician sees nothing wrong with her mental state nor has he ever considered testing her for dementia or alz.

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OMG! Really??? You can't lock your door because she will get upset and you're "afraid" of her? So you live in fear in your own house? I'm having a hard time understanding this and even believing it.
It sounds like it's your house that she lives in and according to your profile your mother only suffers from depression, so why in the world would you allow her to live with you? She should be out on her own and you should be able to live in your own house in peace. Do you not see that?
So put your big girl/boy panties on and tell mom it's time she finds her own place, and make sure you give her a time frame for her to be out. And I would make it sooner than later.

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Some children are groomed from birth to be responsible for a parent's happiness and care. It's their "normal". So no, it's not always easy to see what is abnormal in a parent-child dynamic. And when you do finally recognize it and stand up for yourself, you can expect a reign of terror. Especially if dementia has removed all filters. I have been asked many times when my mother's dementia started and I have no idea because difficult behaviour with depression slowly became completely irrational. It can be such a gradual progression that it's impossible to pinpoint. I suspect the OP is facing the same.

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Get some poster board and make a PLEASE KNOCK sign for your door.

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I have done that. It just upsets her more.

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Since your mother is so unreasonable, and such a difficult case, consider moving her out of your house completely. And, if this is her house you're living in, YOU move out. She can hire caregivers if need be, or move into Assisted Living or any number of other options.

Living in fear of your mother should have ended when you were a young child or at least when you stopped living by her rules. That it didn't is a strong statement about what needs to happen moving forward. You are an adult now and get to call the shots, not mother.

Best of luck carving out your own future, which you deserve to do.

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Afraid of her reaction to the door being locked.

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Please don’t live you life in fear. You have a right and a need for basic privacy. You’re not a child, any adult should understand this. Your profile says your mother has depression. This does not become an excuse to barge in on you anytime she pleases, unless you allow it. If it was me, there’s zero doubt I’d tell mom I need some privacy, and give her some times of not being available. And as for “going berserk” that’s on her, let her have at it. Much like a child having a tantrum, you ignore it and it will pass, cave in and it will continue

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Problem is she goes berserk if I close my door so locking is not an option. I keep my door slightly open to keep her from becoming angered. I'm actually afraid to close my door conpletely..

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Afraid of what?

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Hmm,
Ask them to stop immediately. If they have dementia you should lock your door
because it will never change.

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I cant lock it. If I close the door half way it creates a problem. She is an extremely difficult case.

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There are combination door knobs with a lighted keypad. Only you know the combination, and there are 2 keys that you can use to get in and out also. It can be set to lock when you go in and close the door. If they don't have the key or the combination, they can't get in. It's not hard to install.

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How do you handle an elderly parent that lives with you and thinks it's ok to just casually walk into your bedroom without knocking?

38 Answers

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