Follow
Share

I lived with my parents’ for 40 years when younger, and, then found a place of my own. My Father is deceased, and, my aging Mom is in an independent facility. Just recently, she mentioned me moving back in for help which upsets me a great deal. If this happened, I would be losing my place and all belongings.


I fear if moving in with her happens, I will be a caregiver and have no life of my own. Also, physically and emotionally it would be hard as I have arthritis and high blood pressure.


Upon inquiring if she were serious, my Mom stated “No”, and, seemed understanding about us living apart. I’m unsure if she’s sincere, but, stated so. My Mom mentioned us arguing a lot which is more than likely true. Presently, she’s mentally and physically able to live on her own. I know she has a couple of issues with hearing and sight, although, she can still see at this time.


I don’t see moving back in with her as a happy situation, and, feel in time I’ll with physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Also, I will lose all the belongings that I have that make my condo a home.

Why are you considering the “opinion”(?) of your younger sister as part of your decision making?
Your sister is your sister. You are YOU.
If your mom is able to manage her life independently, then the best thing for her is doing that.
If she is UNABLE to do so, you and your sister may need to COLLABORATE to develop a care plan for her. That plan does not necessarily require EITHER ONE OF YOU to give up your present life style(s) to be Mom’s caregiver.
Do either of you hold POA for Mom in order to manage her careIf/when she does become dependent on you for help? If not, the discussion may. Red to start there.
Remind yourself often, several times a day- YOUR SISTER IS NOT ENTITLED TO MAKE OR INFLUENCE YOUR PERSONAL DECISIONS in relation to Mom’s care!
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to AnnReid
Report
disgustedtoo Dec 8, 2019
No to even considering the move in (as others said, it won't just "happen", YOU would have to take an active part in that decision.)

You can, however, consider plans for mom's future. Getting all legal documents in place (POAs for financial and medical decisions, will, wishes for medical care/DNRs, etc) This does NOT mean you take over as soon as the ink dries - it is a planning process, something that can become a huge necessity if mom goes down the dementia path in the future.

You can also consider alternatives for her care. When she needs more help, AL is an option. It will cost more than IL. Another option is bringing in help (mom's dime!), but this can become very expensive, more than AL. It could start with hiring some minimal help that IL doesn't provide, but when it becomes more expensive, it would be time to consider AL.

Caring for a LO does NOT mean one has to do the hands-on oneself. You become an advocate and explore/monitor all options to ensure the care s/he gets is appropriate. It doesn't mean giving up your life!

If she has limited finances, it would be time to consider whether she qualifies for Medicaid (not all states cover AL - from what I have read, there are few who do, but the requirements are huge!) You would likely need to seek assistance for this as well. If dad or step-dad were in the service, she might also qualify for VA help. Both VA and Medicaid do sometimes provide a limited amount of money for in-home care.

AND, repeat: NO!
(1)
Report
Easy. Don’t do it
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to PandabearAUS
Report

No to both your mother and younger sister. Don't do it. Leave her be for you have your own health issues to deal with.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to NoTryDoYoda
Report

Don’t do it. You already know your answer. You said it yourself. You said that you did not want to move back with your mom. I suppose you want validation. Well, you have it. Follow your instincts, your heart, your gut, your logic, etc.

Just don’t move back home. Keep your home and sanity. Help mom find another solution. If your sister says that she shouldn’t be alone. Tell her to move in with her.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

You have a good heart I think. You can still have a good heart living in your own home & being a loving visitor to Mum. The care 'work' does not need to be done only by you. If Mum needs more help in the future, it can be arranged. It's not bad to say no. It's looking after BOTH of you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Beatty
Report

"I fear if moving in with her happens..." You have control over what happens. Enjoy your home and belongings and let good health happen. Don't move in with your mom.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to peace416
Report

Don't you love it when other people think you should be the one. If younger sister thinks it should be you ask why not her.

Just say, sorry will not happen. It took me 40 yrs to move out and I'm staying out. Plus, would Moms facility allow you to move in? Moms OK now so let it go. But if mentioned, say sorry Mom/sister, not going to happen.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 6, 2019
Yes!
(1)
Report
"Gee mother & sister, that just does not work for me." This is the sentence you need to memorize & to continue repeating, as necessary, until all parties understand that you are NOT moving mother in with you, nor are you moving in with mother.

40 years of living together is MORE than enough. WAY more, in fact.

If your sister thinks it's such a splendid idea for mother to live with a daughter, suggest she live with HER instead! I always advocate for being helpful, don't you? :)

Make sure to stick to your guns on this. Otherwise, you WILL lose your independence and the entire life and lifestyle you've worked so hard to build for yourself!

If mother reaches a point where she can no longer live independently, then offer to help her find a nice Assisted Living apartment.

Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

The stress would not be good for your high blood pressure. Don't do it. You deserve your own life. Follow your instincts to NOT do this!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to CTTN55
Report

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying, NO. It just won't work.

Keep doing it until you believe yourself. Then it will be easy to tell your mom and sister. And I agree with the others, recommend that your sister move in with your mom. Tell her you had the first 40 years, now it's her turn! Big hugs to you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Maple3044
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 6, 2019
Maybe record it too! Play it a million times a day!
(1)
Report
See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter