My mother lives with us and has dementia. Her son, my brother, just passed away unexpectedly. We are all grieving. However, mom doesn’t remember when she firsts wakes up, but in this initial phase, she will get a text message of condolences or see a Facebook post and then relive the initial shock of losing her son. I’m grieving myself, so comforting over and over as if it is the first time of hearing the news is getting overwhelming. Any advice out there?
Send this email out to everyone you know. Don't take your mother to the funeral services for your brother either. She doesn't have to go and it will do her no good.
My dad passed away in September. My mom, (92 on hospice since May w dementia and chronic kidney disease), and he had been married for 69 years. We expected my mom to pass immediately upon hearing the news, because we assumed she would be absolutely devastated.
For the first few weeks she would ask where he was, as they shared the same bed. She was told and retold. She would cry, but not for long. She would weep and ask questions, but mainly she was confused. One time she did cry out, "He was my everything!" That was heartbreaking. But honestly, we didn't know what to do when she kept asking where he was. And when she expressed herself in that manner, we expected her to pass then.
However...it has been 3 months. And my mom's dementia has made her a different person than when my dad was alive. She was regularly agitated w my dad, and she would accuse him of various things. She was agitated w the caregivers and would tell them to go home. My dad had a different type of dementia, so it was quite the chaotic environment. Seeing him in his declined state made her frustrated and weepy.
But, my mom now acts as though she has not a care in the world, after a lifetime of being a worrier. She is now happy to see the caregivers. She struggled with severe depression, often sobbing and taking to her bed, but that has disappeared. She no longer worries about her adult son who has had a lifetime of troubles. She even lets herself eat whatever she wants w/o fear of gaining weight (she was always a dieter and wouldn't finish meals). Though recently she did say, "When I get home I'm going to divorce my husband," her agitation regarding my dad is gone.
I am so relieved for her that finally, at 92, she seems to be at peace with the world, blissfully unaware of anything negative. She watches a gardening show and a travel show, and doesn't see the news. She was not aware that it was Thanksgiving recently, but I'm glad, because the holidays were always stressful for her.
So if this gives you some sort of hope in some small way, dementia has been a blessing for her (I never thought I'd say that), and my mom is now the happiest I've ever seen her in my entire life.
Of course I cannot predict what will happen in your case, or in any dementia case. But I just wanted to share my experience, and my mom's. It has a happy ending.
P.S. I didn’t tell anyone that he had died until my mom had passed. I think that’s too much of a burden on everyone to keep that secret. I didn’t want anything to slip out for that would hurt mom.
Best of luck to you.
If she has dementia, why is she allowed to be on these multi-media sites?
You never ever want to upset a person with dementia.
Your 'job' is to keep them as calm as possible. You tell them what will keep them calm.
You learn how to protect / insulate her from this outside information.
As well, explain to others what dementia is (brain chemistry changes, brain cells dying - and that she won't be able to process information (she doesn't have the brain functioning to do so). While she certainly may understand someone / her son died, why would you or anyone want to upset her with this information.
You change the subject immediately (called 're-direct')
You do not allow her on to Facebook. Period. That's over.
You monitor what she has access to 'in the outside world.'
Take more control of the situation.
Yes, it goes overwhelming (repetitive).
- You tell her he's on a vacation then change the subject (since she forgets over and over again).
You need to learn how to manage (yourself) this situation:
- Study about what dementia is so you can manage her care / welfare (google Teepa Snow)
- Get a grief counselor / therapist ASAP to help manage; one that is trained in working with dementia clients, too.
Gena / Touch Matters
When he asks me how mom is I just say she’s fine. He is 97 in a nursing home and I don’t want him to get upset, so I lie about it. There’s no good reason I can think of to tell him that she died over and over again.
Years ago, my friend used to tell me with frustration about how her mom would ask about deceased family members and they would tell her the truth. Her family couldn’t understand why she would then start crying and reacting even to those who departed many years ago. I told her, “You are a Christian and you believe these loved ones are in Heaven, correct?” On her affirmation of this, I said “then they are ‘FINE’, and that’s what you tell her.” They started saying that and the crying stopped. We had never heard of therapeutic lying at this point but I saw no point in telling her things that upset her so. I don’t feel comfortable with lying but I am willing to tell just enough “truth” that my loved one doesn’t suffer and as a Christian, I firmly believe they are ‘fine’. It would be easy to follow up with, “I haven’t spoken to them for a while.” as this is also true.
maybe an aged she is list can be referred to further the difficult conversation?
how has she reacted to the news previously
maybe that’s the steer
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