How do you get your 88-year-old mom to stop driving and sell the car?

This is one situation where I feel that 'boots on the ground' is the only way to facilitate a change.

If this were simply your mom refusing to take her meds, or not being able to manage money--something that DOES NOT affect others....I'd say my bit and let it go.

35 years ago we had just bought a brand new van. My FIRST and only brand new car. It was big and wonderful and on our maiden voyage as a family, an elderly man ran a stop sign right in front of us and my DH t-boned this guy. We were super fortunate in that the roads were wet and instead of slamming in to him--we spun his care around in circles. He had 4 very elderly passengers in the car. To this day I remember my DH yelling 'hang on, I am going to hit this guy!"

It was only through the grace of God that no one in either car was killed or much more than a little banged up. My kids were absolutely TERRIFIED and that just made it so they never, ever rode or ride in cars w/o seatbelts.

Driving is a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT. How would your mom felt if she hit someone? And it sounds like that's already happened.

Her car is un-registered, probably uninsured and she's a danger on the road.

I would go to where she is, talk to her and if she's not agreable to selling the car, I'd call the police and give them all her info and let them know she's out there. That may seem mean and all--but could YOU live with the guilt that would come if you do nothing and she causes a terrible accident? You could also disable the car to the point it could not be driven. BUT she may still have it towed to a shop and 're-abled'. The car really NEEDS to be gone.

You can, if you are with her, set her up for Uber or Lyft and have her take a couple of 'trips' using the APP and teach her how easy it is.

This isn't a situation that 'annoying' it's your duty as a caring person to protect the world from a bad driver.

This is a question for the DMV in your area. If your Mom is in her right mind there is little you can do, to be frank, as the right to break the law is a right we all have. The consequences would be dire and they would be dire for her and perhaps for innocents on the street. I am assuming you have explained this to Mom. My own brother was diagnosed with his Lewy's Dementia after he was in an accident that was devastating to him, but not to others. It spelled the end of his freedom to act on his own on that day. Like you I didn't live there.
Is Mom living independently?
I would report her to the DMV myself. Were she mentally disabled I perhaps would physically see to it that the car is not in running condition by having a mechanic disable it with my POA. But you are correct that as long as your Mom is able to give and take away the POA, and as long as she is not considered mentally incompetent, you don't have legally the power to remove or disable the car and she does have the power to drive it illegally.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother. I have to tell you I would not act as same for anyone who acted as your mother is acting. The state could take on that duty as they do for anyone without family. It is a onerous job, and one that is daunting as to learning curve, and to do it for someone who isn't organized and agreeable? I cannot imagine. And I wouldn't do it.

This makes no sense, she doesn't drive far but still drives, but doesn't want to give up driving? There is something wrong with her.

Do you not have any family near Mom who can take over POA? You are really too far away to handle Moms daily care. And what are you going to do as her Dementia worsens? And how much is this car worth that you feel the proceeds will offset the costs of some services and care too.

I would make an appt now with a Neurologist in Moms area so its set up when u visit. It can take a couple of months to get in. You need a formal diagnosis. Moms Neurologist sat down in front of her, looked her in the eye and told her, "you cannot drive anymore" and why. We put the car up for sale, out of sight out of mind.

Its your POA immediate or do you need a Doctor/s saying Mom is no longer able to make informed decisions? Those suffering from Dementia, in early stages, can "showtime". Meaning the get get up enough energy to seem normal.

innjup50, it's tough trying to take away driving privileges from anyone, be it an elder or a young adult... it's like taking away their freedom. They are the master of excuses.

When my Dad stopped driving and I was now the designated driver for my parents, my folks kept forgetting I was still fully employed. They were just so use to leaving the house 3-4 times a day back when Dad could still drive. Mom wouldn't ride with strangers, so taxis were out.

Dad had a brilliant idea. He would have Mom drive. Since my Mom [96] was now legally blind, Dad said he could tell her when to stop, when to turn, etc. I had to remind Dad that Mom was also now deaf. Oh.

They kept the car in case of emergencies. It wasn't easy reminding them that they could call 911 in case of an emergencies, fire and recuse also have vehicles.

I live in MN. My LOs live in FL. When it was apparent that the driver (only 1 of them had a license, the other was her co-pilot due to the drivers bad vision) was definitely a danger on the road and unwilling to admit or surrender her license, I went online to the FL DMV and anonymously filed a complaint. I had a pic of her license, and made a long case of why she is a danger on the road to herself and OTHERS.

The DMV sent her snail mail directing her to come in for a retest. My silly cousin drove her for this test. She couldn't pass the eye test, and it was apparent that she had dementia when the staff was talking to her. Her license was revoked. Then my other cousin took over control of the car to remove it physically so she couldn't access it.

You have the benefit of having a doctor's "order" to stop driving. Scan it and send that to the DMV too. Also, try calling the local police to explain that her car is unregistered and she is unfit and that you're in the process of getting her off the streets. Maybe they can do something at their end. Or a neighbor, or relative who lives closer.

My very elderly uncle should have had his license and car removed by his cowardly children and then one day he drove right through a red light and was t-boned on the passenger side, killing his wife and dog, and injuring the other people who hit him.

I'm also an only child and have 3 elders for whom I'm a DPoA. I recommend that you start lining up rides for her on a regular basis. Start by asking neighbors or anyone local to her that you trust. Reward them discretely by sending them gift cards. Have her groceries delivered by InstCart. Send her necessities through Amazon Prime.

Then, as her PoA sell her car and cancel the insurance. It's can't be cheap at her age. You may want to consider having her mail redirected to your home. Doesn't sound like she can even pay bills or has a grasp of finances. IMHO you should move your trip up to go there sooner.

I feel so strongly for u. It's always a matter of how much future guilt we can stand and helping. And ur an only child beside. Ouch!
This is state laws... Doesn't do much for u. In WI doc not required to report to DMV... Any driver can report an unsafe driver.. then I know DMV will require a written test to be passed a road test to keep dl. Dad driving ok yeti don't think he could pass the written test. so it won't ever get to a road test.

But when time comes he will h like ur mother an refuse to give up.
When he was recovering from sepsis. I had a friend with automotive knowledge take the fuel pump relay out so the car wouldn't start. Then I had to call his mechanic tell him why it wouldn't start. Because he would have figured it out in a minute.. his mechanic had to be in the game too. Mechanic kept saying he was too busy to fix... But that wi and a child living close.

I think you need to report to DMV police and they will impound the car for expired registration...tell them also that doc says no drive she is not given option to pay fee.

My action will be to just report to DMV and let them deal with it....

God grant me the serenity to do the things I can. Accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.

So in fact, what you need right now is a professional OBJECTIVE ASSESSMENT from a geriatric specialist in psychiatry or neuropsychiatric medicine, that she is unable to drive safely and/or manage the legal and appropriate use of her car.

I’d contact the lawyer who drafted her POA and get his input.

In our situation, my LO’s “anxiety” (severe) was the result of her intense and unsuccessful desire to keep her cognitive loss a secret. Once we had a professional diagnosis, everything began to fall into place on her behalf.

Her desire to threaten you with the POA seems like it may be evidence of her desire to maintain control while suffering a reduction of her ability to think rationally.

Whether that’s the case or not, that’s something you have to consider.

Sometimes the early stages of getting a diagnosis are the hardest part of care.
Do your research and always put her safety first. Good Luck.

Get her Doctor to write a letter to her and the DMV That she is not allowed to drive and sell her car .

Did you ever find out anything about getting your mother veteran benefits through your father's service? In another post you described your mother's ADL capabilities, and also stated that she is against AL.

You write that you help her pay for things. Why? Are you going to finance 24/7/365 help if/when it comes to that? Pay for a lawyer for her if she ends up injuring or killing someone or gets a felony conviction (long-expired registration) while she continues to drive?

What are your mother's finances? Do you have POA/HCPOA? Is she deemed to be mentally competent? I'm guessing yes. What would happen if you stopped enabling her?

What is your mother's financial situation