Follow
Share

My mother is in hospice care but seems like she is no where close to really dying. I took a leave of absence to take care of her thinking that she was going to live a short amount of time. That was 5 months ago. Five months of no income. She deteriorates to the point where I think there is no return, but then she bounces right back like a rubber ball. She has had several rebounds and they are killing me. I feel like I am on a roller coaster that will never end. I love my mom but I am SO ready for her to die, just so I can have my life back. I feel like there is no end in sight. How can I retrain my thoughts to be positive instead of feeling like I'm in total despair?

I am struggling with this issue myself.  I've considered an anti-depressant.  I agree with some of the other posters that this could go on for years...you just don't know.  Going back to work would not only help you financially, but it would give your mind a chance to focus on something else for part of the day.  Can you get care for her during the day while you're at work?  Or are you up all night with her as well making going back to work not an option?

My mom has dementia and we are on year 8 with no end in sight.  She is physically healthy otherwise.  Watching the end of someone's life drag on and on is hard...especially if they have no quality of life, it does make you pray for it to end.  I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you can figure out some way to return to work or at the very least get someone to relieve you for part of the day so you can catch a break.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Jamesj
Report
helenb63 Feb 14, 2020
My mother too has little quality of life but not for physical reasons; she is quite healthy for an 85-year-old who won't do any exercise at all yet has somehow survived two lots of lung embolisms and pneumonia. Her problem is narcissistic personality and being unhappy wherever she is, and having a totally negative, self-centred view of the world. Without this she could be having a nice enough life. Her negativity is spreading to us and we are all getting depressed, but can't see a way out of it. This situation could go on for years and that scares me a lot, as I'm not sure I - or my marriage - can take it.
(0)
Report
I love my Mom and am grateful for every moment I get to honor her and keep her, but hear me. My beautiful Mom was hit hy a car 3 yrs ago walkimg into a local grocery to get ingredients to make a pie for a neighbor. She suffered head trauma and it accelerated the dementia we did not know was forth coming until doctors said she had onset verrry early stages that would have taken yrssss to get where it is now, but due to the accident and head trauma it could advance. It did. Then my Dad cared for her 2 yrs during which time i had just retired...so i went back and forth from my home to theirs 4 hrs away every 6 to 8 wks. Mom was indep and could do a lot, still. Then I noticed my Dad getting tired...realll tired...so i moved back and in the one year I have been back home in my hometown and living with them...my sweet momma has had 2 major strokes...One major stroke and one massive stroke. She had totally recovered and 9 mths later had a massive stroke...Icu 11 days.
Rehab 14.. As my Dad and i were leaving day 14 to get mom home ...my dad had sudden numbness as we were leaving and i called 911. He was in icu 5 days. I got mom home and my sister came. A neighbor helped me get her home and her husband went with my dad. My sister came snd stayed 14 days. We had to learn to use the peg...which is tube to care for mom...Dad learned a virus must have attacked his heart 10 to 15 yrs ago without him knowing and all these yrs...only a third of his heart has been alive. That virus killed all but a third of his heart and he never had one symptom or weakness for all these yrs until a gentle warning sign recently. They put a defib vest on him and he has worn it 60 days. He is a sweet man and helps me a lot...He has a defib implanted in two weeks. Dad is amazing. How can it be?? He played avid golf for yrs...GOD IS GOOD. I spent 4 days in a row last week bathing mom multiple times daily due to diarhea from meds. It got difficult...because it got everrrywhere.....Day 4...i burst into tears. Mom looked up and said..."I will pray for you." That melted my heart. She was the verrry best mom ever. She took good care of me when i had rheumatic fever at 7 yrs. I had a moment of grief and i stood there looking at my sweet mom and the poop and my sweet daddy with his heart monitor and i realized i was grieving for them and for me. I said..."Lord...thank u for my precious parents." I wiped my tears...hugged them and realized i needed to get out and start exercising again...but u get so drained and talk yourself out of it. I do get out some and eat out...but i find nothing works better than walking 20 min a day...outside and at the gym. I keep it simple. I also realized this is just one small season of my moms life...Mom has to have assistance walking and eating. I journal often...walk daily and take drives...I find peace in just keeping life simple and quiet within right now. I pray a lot and pray for others...in my prayer journal. I.paint and draw...because i started a new hobby in doing so. The sweetest part of our day is when we tuck mom in each night. Dad kneels and prays on one side of her bed and I kneel and pray on the other. Then mom prays. It is a beaautiful time and sight. Dont leave God out of your sorrow. Rather than me feeling my life has been taken from me...i see my present season as a new calling. A teacher for 31 yrs and youth leader in ministry 2 yrs...after retirement and now, at 55 yrs..care giver for my precious folks in thrir season of greatest need and love. I fight depression and grief...myself...i miss my life!!! But...i see it as a season of quiet trust and soul.searching and service. I have monents i feel despair...and my sister named those "sinking spells" and we will tell each other we are having a sinking spell and step away a few hrs and renew. I keep a gratitude jourmal as well...which may be a drawing or news clippng some days. My sister is 4 hrs away. I am here by myself. She cones asneeded
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Valley05
Report
Harpcat Feb 14, 2020
Although the first part of your post made me wonder how this would help the OP, I got to the end and really liked what you wrote. It was insightful and a different way to look at a situation such as yours. May God's mercy be yours.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
I don’t believe this has to be an either/or situation. Since your mother is on hospice care, speak with her nurse to find out if it’s possible for your mother to have home care while you work. It’s not good for you to be without an income for that long. It’s most likely impacting your pension and health care as well. It’s also not a good situation for you mentally. Speak with hospice and share your feelings. Hospice is there for you as well as her.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report
Vivian711 Feb 12, 2020
For some reason, I can hear your voice and I like you.
Great advice you give.
(5)
Report
No answer, I'm afraid, but I just want you to know that you're NOT ALONE, and I'm right there with you!!!! It's NOT a good place to be and, YES, it IS quite depressing to say the least!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to lotsokittycats
Report

Make a plan for yourself. Spend your space time (evening after bedtime?) and research and learn everything you need to know...start putting an action plan together.

plan out your life, work toward achieving that goal.

staying busy and working toward fulfilling your own life goals...that is how to beat depression brought on by feeling stuck in you situation.

i spent years learning everything about RV life. Decided I needed to build one for myself....that was a massive undertaking...filled every night for a year researching all the details. I spent about 4 hours a day actually working on the RV once I bought one and gutted it.

after my parents died (within 1 year of each other)...I finished the RV and have been full time on the road ever since. I went to Alaska and Mexico and every place in between out west. Spent a year in Florida. I am currently in Arizona, and plan to visit the Canadian Maritimes this summer.

find your plan for the rest of your life...and take steps every day toward achieving it.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Katiekate
Report

Your depression seems appropriate..situational. I thank you for your blunt statement..your words echoed my very thoughts! “When do I get my life back”..... 18 months of it’s all about mom...barely any time that I am not actively worrying or doing for her. I gave up almost all the activities I love. I too feel the mild depression. My mom one day is great...next day looks like we are at the end. Somedays I think she will outlive me! And I am 68. She is 86 and she nearly died in December. I pray ...never ending prayers for the strength to serve her...and to do it joyfully!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sadinroanokeva
Report
GratefulUriel Feb 14, 2020
I am in a similar situation. Bless you and all of us who are in these circumstances. May we find serenity in our coming and going and wisdom from the experience.
(5)
Report
My mother had a friend in AL who was on hospice care for 3 YEARS before she eventually passed away.

Take the advice given to you here and go back to work. Get some in home care for your mom at this point. I don't know how you can possibly turn your thoughts 'positive' right now. In some situations, there's just nothing positive to celebrate.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

You have to plan for yourself. It can literally takes years to recover from caregiving.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to cetude
Report

I know your pain, I'm in the same situation but not on hospice. I am the ONLY child caregiver. Dementia, stroke.. immobile and full 24/7 care and strict commode schedule. It is now 2 years on-going at home. I'll spare you the details because the answers on here resound everything I've been going through. I have a fulltime job, kid to take care of and doing this. The days are beautiful but I can't partake in it. I have lost friends but I don't want to socialize - and they don't want to come over to see mortality for what it is. High anxiety day and night. How I cope... I take walks before the day ends, I take Epsom salt (magnesium) bath as the magnesium transdermally helps with anxiety and calms, I also drink this stress releiving tea that contains Ashwandga. This together works overnight to the next day, and I have a burst of good feelings so that I can focus on life. Suntheanine and GABA supplements 2x a week gives a boost of good feeling. I do tend to go out when I can, even for a drive or to Starbucks, can't imagine how restorative that is, just to see, smell and feel fresh air! To see life go on so carefree as my life stands still....
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Southern20
Report

I would add to stay away from extremely negative people. They will make the depression worse. I can’t stand Pollyanna types either. Find people who are balanced.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter