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I just had to put my mother into assisted living, and now people are coming out of the wood work calling the home telling them how to take care of her because they don’t think my daughter and I can do it. I might add most these people were not active in her care before.


It does not help that she told everyone I was trying to get rid of her.


My daughter and I and at home caregiver have had to mover her out of her apartment and get her setup at her new home with out help from any of these people, I am afraid they will ask her to find another home if they keep this up, what do I do?

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Tell the busybodies that it's better for your mom to have professional caregivers. And that they should feel free to visit her often on her " cruise ship".

Laugh gently at them when they suggest that you are a less than a caring child .

" Oh, so sorry that you're not on board with the current thinking about how much better it is for elders to be among their peer group, and have their kids visit, as opposed to being carers. I must send you some articles"
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The facility should know how to handle these types of callers, where my sis works they would never share your mother's personal number and callers would be given no information, in fact they won't even confirm that someone is living there. If these busy bodies get the brush off often enough they will hopefully back off.
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I assume you have POA. Tell the AL to tell the people thank you they have nothing to worry about. That Mom is clean, fed, and safe. That Mom is being well cared for and that they have no need to call and TU for the info.

If they keep it up you may have to call each person and tell them to please stop calling the AL.
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Do you have Power of Attorney? If not and your Mom is competent to sign papers, get one. I got mine from LegalZoom for under $100. It was binding and I never had any issues with it. This way, you have more leverage with your mother’s affairs. You can give the director of the facility a list of the people who are calling and let them know these people are and were in no way responsible for Mom’s care. If there was a concern over your care for Mom while she was under your care, the facility would have called Adult Protective Services by now. I would apologize to the director and the receptionist who answers the phone for these people who obviously have nothing better to do than stir up trouble.

They will not tell Mom she has to leave because these people are being Giant Pains. They’re used to dealing with difficult family members. However, if these people visit mom and cause her to become upset, further steps may need to be taken.
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laharris22 Oct 13, 2018
I had to get a restraining order against my sister because she was planning on sneaking my mom out of AL at the end of the month so she could use my mom's SS money to pay her bills. It's sad. Now we go to trial over something that could have been avoided.
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In my experience, those who have an opinion are usually the ones who have no idea how the person in question behaves, and are usually the last ones to step up to help as well.
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JoAnn29 Oct 8, 2018
I had an Aunt like this. Always had an opinion how you should do something. Had my Mom running her all over town. I called her to tell her I cancelled Moms Mamogram (they went together) because Mom had to stop driving and I couldn't take her that day. My Aunt said "I could have driven her". I felt like saying "Then why do you have Mom picking up your mail all the time if u can drive" My Aunt had a PO box because her and my Uncle were away alot. He passed, she became homebound and seems never changed back to home delivery.
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A different take on this: You don’t say who ‘these people’ are, and what they are actually saying. It can be hard for friends and family members who hear your mother making angry comments that sound believable (eg it is correct in just one sense that you were ‘trying to get rid of her’). If she was good at covering up difficulties when they had social contact before, they may have no idea about any problems.

It might be worth writing a letter, printing out copies, and sending it to each of them, explaining why she moved. The letter should also say how common it is for people to hate to move to any sort of care, and how important it is to help them to settle in by telling them that it has been the best option and how nice the place seems to the visitor. You should say how much she values their social contact and how good it has always been for her. You could also give a copy to the AL staff, with a list of the names it has gone to.

‘These people’ are annoying you a great deal, but if they are still your mother’s friends and family members, you don’t really want to cut her off from them. See if you can get them to help, not hinder. It would be best if you can keep them on reasonable terms with both you, your mother and the facility. Swallowing down your understandable reactions now might pay dividends for a long time in the future.
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GrannieAnnie Oct 9, 2018
This sounds like a wonderful approach, because not everyone understands what her and your reality is.  If it does not work, then the other suggestions still are possibilities.
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I'm sure people working at AL are used to multiple family members giving directions. Just because they're calling, it doesn't mean anyone is hopping to their direction. When my mom was in AL and particularly ticked off, the activities director told me she sees that all the time...mothers putting on an attitude with their daughters to stir up guilt, fear, obligation. Then when the daughter leaves, the mom heads off to bingo. Sure enough, when I'd peek in on my mom with others, she was chatting and smiling. When I entered the room, she'd have a "just ate a lemon" face. My experience was that we called various relatives to explain about the transition. It did no good - they have continued to criticize and second guess. In our family, the less they've helped, the louder they complain. Anyhow, just keep doing what's best for your family, get a thicker skin, and get some well deserved rest.
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You are trying to do what is best for your mom. I don't know what your mom has but if she can be better taken care of in assisted living than she needs to be there. With the people calling and being little brats, ignore them or have a profanity laden talk. Tell them that they can move her to another assisted living or take care of her themselves. Your mom is having a pity party. Block the people are giving you a hard time they are not worth the energy after cussing them out.
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Make sure you have POA. You haven't identified who is financing her living situation. If she is financing it herself, at full payout that's one thing. If she is in a transition to Medicaid/Medicare situation that is entirely different.

But, if you have POA and Medical POA, you can block any interference from these people with staff. If they give you guff directly I would say "have you all reached a consensus on what is to be done? And have all of you agreed to finance this and do the work that is required to accomplish this?" and "how much are you willing to contribute to a living situation that would suit YOU better?"

Say it sweetly. That will shut them up.
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Nonni3; well if these people are calling the assisted liveing and its against your wishes I would tell the administrator ,they are used to dealing with unbeleiveable situations and all sorts of family delimas do not worry This happens all the time Familys try to help by giveing advice because they feel GUILTY that they were not helping your mom .Please do not let your mom saying bad things about you bother you shes just scared ,and she will adjust. It takes awhile but after a week things calm down and after about 3 months your mom will call this place Home .I have a funny story for you when I moved my Aunt into an assisted liveing facility she told EVERYBODY that I poisened her kidnapped her and brought her to that place but of course nobody beleived her silly little antics . She lived there for 3 years with no other problems ...We moved her out when her health began to decline many falls ect... Now my Aunt lives at my home when my aunt 1st came here she wanted to go back to the assisted liveing !! Laugh out loud!! And she thinks we are still there often !! Aww poor little ladies good luck to you!! Oh and call the adminstrater
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