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I have had enough and got into huge argument with my sister. I really want a break and I want to just walk away, at least for awhile. I am burnt out and I told her this and she is so selfish that she just pushed me harder until I blew up. But, because I am the only person that will still have anything to do with her I feel awful and I feel sorry for her. I really don't like her even when I am not mad at her. But, I do care about her and I do love her. If I walk away I am miserable because of the guilt. If I don't walk away I am miserable because she drains me. What can I do to feel better about having my own life?

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Boundries. You tell her what you can do and when u can do it. Keep it to one or two times a week. Don't allow her to rule ur life.
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The Alzheimer's association offers financial grants or scholarships to help with in home care. I am going to find out more this week for myself and will update you.
Look to your local agency for aging or perhaps senior connections,
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Constantly being around or trying to help someone that is so toxic is not good for you....ive followed all the questions you have asked. There comes a point when we realize that the person will never change, simply because they dont want to. I understand where youre coming from. But what about you?? Your health? Your sanity? With your sisters past or lifelong use of drugs, why should she change when you are always there to clean up the messes she makes of her life? Please think of your life and your future....blessings to you during this very difficult time.
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anonymous944475 Sep 2019
Thank you for responding. I do know that you are right. She got so upset with me for saying I needed a break that she sent me a text that was 4 pages long cutting me down and saying horrible things about me. She suddenly doesn't seem to be having any problems with her thinking or her memory. I kinda think it was all just fake and manipulation. Now, she says that she isnt going to go to any
Dr. appointments and She is giving up. And it's all my fault. Thanks for listening
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Are you the only one caring for your Sister, and is this 24/7 care in your home, Bellini? Because who wouldn't become frustrated and pushed. I know you know that with her dementia, it is mostly the disease you are reacting to and not her, so that is likely what is causing you to feel guilty after a blow up.
I think that you are expecting yourself to be super-human, a Saint, if you will. And you aren't. You are just a loving sister pushed to the brink and occasionally toppling on over the brink into the abyss. You crawl on out then, realizing you love her.
Do let yourself be human. Do forgive yourself for being human. Do know that only good and decent people feel guilt. Monsters don't feel it at all. And know your limitations. I couldn't do what you are doing. There may come a time you cannot do it, either.
Allow yourself to recognize this for loss and sadness, and to mourn and cry and get depressed about it. Then do the best you can to get back up while you choose to do this care. Recognize there may come a time you can't; get help if you need it to comb through how close you are to that point.
Thoughts with you. So sorry for all this pain.
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anonymous944475 Sep 2019
Thank you so much. Your faith in me means alot right now and so do your kind words. She lives with a friend and his elderly mother. My response to againx100 might explain things better. I just now thought of something that might be making all of this more difficult to deal with. Our oldest brother is 66 years old and is truly the best man walking this earth. He has terminal liver cancer. He might not make it even 1 more year, in spite of trying everything. He has an adult daughter that is mentally retarded. And all he ever wanted was to be here to care for her as long as possible. It's just so unfair. He doesn't ask anyone for anything. My sister doesn't seem to care at all. She was the same way with our Mother, whenever she was in pain. And the same way whenever I lost my husband to cancer at just 45 years old. So, I don't think my sister "deserves" a whole lot of my efforts. But, I am still willing to try to help her. But, I am starting to feel like it's all just a waste of my time and energy. Because I don't think she wants to get better. Her losing her Son 4 years ago to drugs has taken away her will to live. I can understand that. I am just tired of trying. Sorry, for rambling on. Thank you very much
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I don't have answers but know that you aren't alone. I had a wonderful husband who is now a stranger and I get depressed when I leave work and head home every night.
Don't feel guilty and don't let this destroy you. Contain this agency or Alzheimer's Assoc for $ assistance for caregivers to help you.
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anonymous944475 Sep 2019
Thank you very much. What do you mean contact this agency or Alzheimer's Ass. for financial assistance? Will they help her financially? Thank you much
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Your profile says that you sister has dementia. It's often very challenging to manage the care of a person who has dementia. They likely are not able to process information and reason the way we would like. Arguing really doesn't help. It can be very difficult and stressful. I think it's smart to recognize if you are not able to meet someone's needs and get them help elsewhere. The compassionate thing to do is to recognize when you are burned out, as you stated. You could consult with an attorney, social services or counsel on aging to see what is available to her. I night consult with a counselor on the importance of self care.
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Whew, I am sorry for your difficult situation.

What are your sister's living arrangements? Does she live alone? Any other help besides you? Can she safely live alone? What do you do for her?

If she lives alone, that needs to change. Sounds like she should be in assisted living at a minimum.

I guess you need to figure out what are her needs vs her wants. If her basic needs are met, back away. If she can not meet her basic needs, then maybe you can give her some people to call that can help her.

When you are stressed and burnt out, you need a break. You have your own issues and life to tend to as well. Don't let her guilt you into doing so much more than you are willing and/or able to.
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anonymous944475 Sep 2019
Thank you for responding. I don't even know if she has dementia, because I can't get her to even go to any of the Dr. appointments that I make. Over the course of the last year ,I have made her about 18 Dr. appointments. The appointments for a neurologist and a psychiatrist and a lung specialist are hard to get and require a referral. And, she thinks nothing of calling and cancelling them because she didn't sleep well and She says she is too "spacey". Which I always plan to go with her. So, that is not a good excuse. She can't function well enough to make any of her own phone calls, except whenever it is to cancel the appointments. Sometimes she doesn't even do that. And will only tell me she isn't going 30 minutes before we are supposed to be leaving. And on the days she cancels her Dr. appointments, she ends up going shopping or something. I am starting to think it isn't dementia and just the effects of abusing benzodiazepines all her life. She lives with a friend and his elderly mother. And they no longer want her there because she is so difficult. Complains non-stop. Wants to go to the emergency room all hours of the night for things that are not urgent. She lost her only son to a heroin overdose 4 years ago. We have 2 brothers and an Aunt still living, but they don't want anything to do with her, because of problems in the past. She has never done anything for anyone. She is 5 years older than I am, but I have ALWAYS looked after her. I make all her phone calls for her. I have for a very long time. She texts me non stop , like every 5 minutes saying she hates the people she lives with and how mean they are to her. Or that she is hungry and doesn't even have milk. I loan her money and She doesn't even walk to the nearby store to get food or milk. Or when she has the opportunity to go to the store with someone she doesn't go , because she isn't in the mood. I don't have a car, don't drive. I live with my daughter that is a single mom. And she doesn't allow my sister to come over because of all the drama. I am only get a small disability check. She gets $150 a month more than I do. I just filed for Medicaid for the elderly for her and food stamps. I told her that I was getting burned out on her constant b.s. and needed a break from it. She texted more and more of her drama and complaining, until I blew up. And now I have her number blocked. I hate being around her or talking to her. And I always have. It's only getting worse. She is a taker and always has been. But, I feel sorry for her and I do love her. Thanks for listening
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