How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

My sympathies to you as you find ways to cope with your loss.

Do you have letters that your mom wrote earlier in her life? Reading happier times in her handwriting might be a way to jog the good memories into the forefront of your mind.

As for your "gaffe" with the funeral home, please know that is normal. My husband was a pallbearer for his aunt. Just before lowering the casket, her husband asked that the casket be opened so he could see his beloved one more time. It's part of the healing process to be able to say goodbye.

When my dad died, a friend gave me the advice to be as kind to myself as I would be to a friend experiencing the same loss. Those words helped when I would get impatient with myself for crying over a joke I wanted to share with him but couldn't any longer.

My MIL passed away last fall and there was a graphic moment at the end. Others left the room, and it was my first instinct as well. I was able to turn around and hold her hand instead and it's a moment that I am proud of. I also have to give huge kudos to the nurse who was so compassionate in cleaning her up quickly. That graphic image stuck in my mind for weeks after her death. What helped me was going through her photo albums as we separated the pics for different family members. Seeing her happy was able to push back (not out) the image of her final moments.

You are in the most raw stages of grief now...it will get better.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It does get better. Maybe there is music your loved one liked that would bring comfort, or an image.

Out of shock and suppressed grief I have done some dip shit stuff. Tuesday my mom died around 12: 45. I called as soon as funeral home opened to,make sure they had her. Of course they did, and had since 2:30 a.m. and her MC. Facility was a 30 miles out.

I lost my mind and asked if I could come seem my mom. Cassandra, who has become my little secret angel said, well embalming does enhance preservation.

Me: but she is being cremated.

Cassandra: and that's my point. Some things have started to happen and you don't want that image to be last one you have of your mom.

Me: oh my gosh, i am so sorry.i don't know what is the matter with me. I am so sorry.

Cassandra: you are not the first, nor the last to ask. You are grief stricken. Let us Take care of your mom and your family. We are going to help you get through this.

Seriously I don't WTF. I was thinking. So my point being anyone concerned about some gaffe you have committed, during this, you are not alone.

My condolences on your loss. Yeah, it’s part of life, and certainly a sucky part of it. The images come & go, with more time between them. Over time happier memories are stronger than the sadder ones. And the sad ones, though still there, aren’t as sharp. The hole in your heart will always be there, some days it’s larger than other days. I thought I would always remember my aunt the awful way she looked when I held her hand as she passed, or my dad 2 months later when I was with him when he passed, or my brother during his last month of battling cancer, or my mom’s last few years of her dementia battle, or.....well, you get my drift. Sometimes I remember the awfulness of it, most times I remember the happier times. That is why it is so helpful to talk with other about them & laugh at better times.

Again, my condolences to you. May the happy memories give you peace & comfort now & always.

For a long time the death rattle was so vivid in my mind. Now 9 years later it has faded. What has remained is the memory of being in the room with my father with one of my daughters,my son,my stepmother, my half sister and half brother and all of us looking at him deeply saying we loved him because we were told once they removed medication that was keeping him alive it would be over very quickly. We all just wanted so for him to know that. It is wrenching just to relive it but a necessary part of grieving.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your loved one. I do appreciate this dialogue, as I suspect many people don't even consider it.

I haven't really thought it through yet, though, my LO is on Hospice. I was told that I could be called so that I may go to my LO at the end (at MC) or see her after the end. I'm now re- considering it. She is end stage dementia and does not look well. It's difficult to know just how much worse it will get. I dream of her (she's my cousin) often and in my dreams she is happy, healthy looking, though still in wheelchair. Not at all like she appears now. So, I'd like to keep those subconscious memories. I'd like to avoid having intrusive thoughts of her toward the end.

Sego,

I touched on this topic on your other thread. It’s going to take time.

The images came to me often in the beginning. Mine eased with time.

I got some counseling after about 6 months. That helped.

This is going to sound ridiculous.

I had a dream about my Dad. He was sitting at the picnic table in my back yard drinking a frosty beverage in a College T-shirt. He wore them often. He played football there. He was laughing and talking but there was no sound. I was an observer in this dream. All this was directed my way. After the laughing and talking he was happily gesturing to me to “get outta here”.

Was this my Dad, my hero, coming to me from the other side? Some might say that. I don’t know. More than likely my own mind trying to give me comfort and permission to move on.

If the Hospice you used offers bereavement counseling start with that. Access other counseling if you can.

It’s hard. It’s a struggle. Don’t deny yourself help.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it!

My mother’s death at home with me was quite traumatic. Perhaps I shouldn’t say this, but you wanted it outright. She had cancer metastases all through her abdomen and was passing chunks of bloody flesh, an image it was hard to lose. I think it took about 6 months for me to cope with the flashbacks. I was helped by going on a 6 week camping holiday with new things to look at and new people to talk to. Yes it will fade, be strong. I was proud to do what she wanted, like she did for my grandfather. Hang on to that.

You need to consider trauma therapy with a certified trauma specialist such as an EMDR clinician. You can get more info on this from EMDRIA, they can give you the names and contact info for certified clinicians in your area. EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Dr. Francine Shapiro is the foremost authority on this. You can read her Journal articles or buy one of her books.

@miranova

Your reply has touched me deeply on many levels. Thank you for your kind reply, more than you can imagine.

I believe over time it will get better and those images will be replaced with good ones, God willing.
I am truly sorry for your loss, truly.
Being so fresh it is hard to imagine it getting better, but it will. It will.
Praying for you.

My mom tells me it takes some time. She lost her mother 13 years ago, was with her to the very end. Yes, the end of life is rather graphic and the images will play for a while. They do fade, but never really go away. Continue with the grief counselor in the immediate time frame. This being so incredibly recent, it's going to be incredibly difficult...for now. As time goes on, the memory can become more distant especially if you can focus on the good times.

Sometimes small things will come up during the process and set you back. This is normal and ok. Here was mine: My MIL passed April 2nd. She was in hospice in her home and my hubby and I were there frequently right up until 12 hours before we got the call. My husband did not do well during hospice time and for a few weeks after, but he's doing better now (Previous PTSD from active duty deployments to middle east) and speaks of her fondly and even jokes about things she said or did. We don't discuss the end time tho, he just breaks down. It interferes with him working, so he just rather work and do family things.

I grieved pretty hard since my MIL was really the best MIL I could ask for. I thought I was done tho, able to talk about her and think about her without the end of life images...until this past Monday. Was shopping for candles and wax melts with my 11yr old daughter. She picked one up, smelled it and said "Mommy, this one is soooo good!". So I smell it, intending to get it for her, and it hit hard. It was the exact scent that was being used in the house where my MIL hospiced and died in. I couldn't buy it, held back tears and told my daughter that we need to wait some time before we get that scent because it reminded mommy and daddy of some difficult memories. (She was never in the house during hospice, so she didn't know.) She gave me hugs, and picked out an apple scent she knows I like and just stuck it in the cart.

I wish you good things, and again many condolences for your loss.