How do you get passed the anger of having this responsibility imposed on you and local sibling refusing to help?

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Pixiegirl I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine about my brother's lack of visits to see our mom. He lives in another state and hasn't been here for at least three years. My mom is almost 94. Other people always say, "Oh so and so will feel bad when their parent is gone." I don't think they will. I think some people just don't care now and won't care when their relative is gone either. I've given up trying to understand why. My relationship with my mom is my relationship. My brother's relationship (or lack thereof) is HIS relationship with my mom. That's for the two of them to work out. I can't control it. When I tried, it just made ME angry and sad and frustrated. It didn't affect my brother one whit. I finally figured that out and so changed myself. Now he's happy (and uninvolved) and I'm happy and doing it all for my mom. When she dies, I'll be happy and he'll still be happy and I'm OK with that. And when he expects help from me if he or his wife get ill, he'll be in for a sad surprise. Because I won't care about that.
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DebinRaleigh, the other posters have given good advice about the sibling issues. You can try to influence their behavior, but you cannot control it, and for your own sake you need to let it go.

I want to comment on the "having this responsibility imposed on you," factor.

In some sense you are correct. You did not volunteer for your mother to need care. This need arose with no input from you or any of your siblings. Mother didn't get a say in this either. The need for care was "imposed" on you all. I get that. I did not volunteer to have a dependent instead of an equal partner, and my husband's dementia was "imposed" on me.

But in another sense, the impairments only impose on your Mother. She is the one with no choice. Everyone else in the family gets to chose how to deal with her health. Your siblings -- local and otherwise -- and you get to decide your own actions about this. Your local sibling has decided to not be involved, to focus on her own busy life. You decided to move Mother into your guest house.

No one can impose this kind of burden/opportunity/effort on you without your permission. You DECIDED to let Mom live in your guest house. You DECIDED to give up your job to take care of her. You see it as an imposition and I'm suggesting that you recognize it as your decision. This gives you back your power. It enables you to make other decisions, or to continue this decision. This is not an obligation, a legal requirement, an imposition, or out of your control. It is your decision.

Why did your sister make the decision she did? It doesn't really matter. She has the same rights that you do. She can make her own decisions. You don't have to like her decisions, but you have no power to change them.

Actually, your sister might be making the healthier choice. People who were abused or neglected in childhood are not really expected to take care of their abusers in their old age. Yes, it is the decent thing to see that your mother has good care, but it may not be healthy for you to provide this care directly yourself.

Seeing her in a care center might be best for all concerned -- you, your husband, your sister, and even your mother. I'm not telling you to do this, but I am telling you that is one of the options open to you as you make conscious decisions.
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My sister and I haven't seen Mother in 10 months. My sister tried to take care of her for 6 weeks and it was nothing but anger outbursts and personal attacks. In the NH, now, mom seems reasonable. I e-mail her and send her packages. She calls me once a week. Whatever my relationship is with mom, is mine alone.

My deceased sister chose to try to put up with Mother, and Mother out lived her. I felt that she needed to back off. She probably felt that I needed to help, more. But, she never said that. My sister hovering over Mother, just delayed Mother being forced to make a move where she could get medical care and nutrition.

So, all circumstances are different.
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Lizzy I quit trying to keep my brother informed about our mom. I figured if he was interested he'd ask. Guess what? He never asks. So it saves me the time of keeping him informed and the anger over his disinterest. I have two female cousins who are more interested in how my mom is doing, so I vent to them and it works well for me. So find some friends who care and quit trying to change your brother. You'll be MUCH happier.
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All you can do is ask for help... If they refuse you have to do what makes you feel good about yourself... They will have to live with their selfishness when Mom passes. You will be able to know you did the best you could to keep her happy and safe...

I've been there and feel the same way some days... But it's been 12yrs with my Mom living with me and any interference from them now would not be appreciated. If I turned my back on my Mom I couldn't live with myself. So I need to continue caring for her... She needs me... Even though some days she doesn't realize it...LOL..
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Wow. I could write a book on this one. The best advice I can give here is to let it go. I have been through the arguing, begging, made to feel like I am being unreasonable for even asking for help when, after all, I am living here in HER HOUSE so what have I got to complain about.....(My home is about to be foreclosed on because I can no longer continue paying on it as I cannot afford a caregiver and cannot work outside the home ...Mom needs constant supervision) so I am the selfish one, the rude one, the hateful one..the one who has changed....I have changed....

"BUT I finally realize, the only one who is hurting to hang on to the anger is ME....They don't help financially, emotionally, etc. and are not going to....I can't explain it, but finally realized I was going to go crazy trying to figure it out. I now take extreme joy in being with and caring for my Mom, knowing that I am here for her, and just leaving them to their own devices....Because in the end all that will matter is that my Mom was very well taken care of and very happy and knew how loved she was...and i will be able to know I did all that I could...and that is the only way I will be able to deal with it when I lose her...which I cannot bear the thought of...It's a hard hard and very lonely road....probably the hardest I will ever have....but there are also such moments of complete and absolute joy and peace of mind and soul that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be....
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I have been told that our expectations of things, others gets us in to trouble. Let it go, no one person has all the answers, the reasons why may or may not ever be known. The point is we take care of ourselves and take care of our parent because we want to and forget about why no one else is stepping in, there are many reasons why they don't want to and if we choose to care for our parent then it is our choice, we can walk away too, it does no good to judge why others do or don't do what they do. We just don't know, so I don't think anymore why my sister has chosen not to be involved, I am not angry, I was disappointed but that is because she chose to do what was right for her, that is her right. Pain is a part of life but suffering is optional.
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I wish I had the answer to this question. I ask the question every few days when I feel down and out. I get angry because I am working so hard and my sibilings are doing whatever they want to do without a care in the world.
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Here is the advice I received when I asked someone the same question: When your Mom is gone, your siblings will still be there. Don't cut them off. AND don't expect much from them, that way you won't be disappointed. Good luck
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Madeaa but judging family comes so easy..We've walked in the same shoes..LOL
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