My 89 yo Mil is in a "memory support" group within a wonderful assisted living community near our home. She's been there 2 yrs. due to mild to moderate vascular dementia/alzheimers, but is otherwise in good health. As with many older people, when mil has to use the bathroom, she has to get there quickly. She has a supply of disposable underwear in her room. Last week, the staff called us and said that she has had some bowel accidents on outings for the past couple months and they want her to use Depends on all trips, or they will refuse to take her. They'll check that she has them on before leaving. My husband and I wholeheartedly support this decision. In fact, I want her to wear Depends when she visits our home and when I take her to a dr. appt. Feb. 19, because on a previous visit there was a bm accident in my car! (At the time, she mentioned she should have worn them.) We visited her this morning and brought the matter up but she refuses to wear them because 1) they make her look fat ( false-mil is slim and she has a slim-style depends) 2) she knows her own body and what right do we, or the staff, have to tell her to wear them?! 3) she is an independent woman and traveled all over the world with no problems (true- but that was over 20 years ago) 4) she's only had one or two accidents the whole time in assisted living (emphatically false!!--she just doesn't remember!) and 5) she just won't go on trips (fine with us and I'm sure with the staff, but trips to the dollar store, church, etc. are social outings and she'll miss out). Incidentally, the staff mentioned that they often see her washing underwear in her sink, so this is an issue even in her room. The dr. appt. is coming up, so what do I do? I told her I won't take her unless she has them on, and I'll have the staff check, and if she doesn't wear Depends, I'll just leave. She said she won't wear them and nobody is going to check. My husband and I think she is very selfish about this matter, and will certainly alienate the staff if she continues this behavior. When he mentioned this, she said, "I'm paying enough to be here, that's their job." (meaning to clean up after her). MIL was a school nurse, and has always been a spunky, stylish, independent woman, and I'm sure would be appalled if she didn't have dementia and saw this behavior in someone else. She has become increasingly belligerent the past few months, and even her son (my husband) who is the apple of her eye is now the subject of her ire and he is increasingly reluctant to visit or call her (partly because she refuses to wear her hearing aids, another sore topic which we gave up on). Okay, I'm going off track here, but what do I do about dr. appts. and also visits to our home? Thanks so much in advance for any advice you may have.