My father was never mean or abusive but never really matured enough to take an interest or provide for his three children. After our parents divorced when we were in our teens, my father rarely communicated with us. About five years ago my brother rescued him from living alone in a run-down apt in another city, and brought him to a subsidized apt in my brother's beautiful town. Now my dad is 90 and his small retirement does not cover his expenses. My older brother and I have to provide a lot of financial support to pay for his group home and personal expenses. I had long ago expected nothing from my dad but now it feels painful to give up my hard-earned money to a parent who did so little for me. Younger brother refuses to give him money or time. I love my dad because he gave me life, but I don't like him for who he became. Now he is bored and lonely and calls me every week to talk--which I graciously do. Older brother lives nearby my dad and takes on the vast majority of his extra needs--of which I am very grateful (because I wouldn't want to do it!). I visit four times a year to help out and send money monthly. My dad has no idea how we all feel, and is not capable of honest self-assessment. I would like to feel less resentful.
For all my life my uncle hated me - long story short, his mother was a better mother to me in her older age than she could have possibly been to her children. (She was 16 when she got married and gave birth the first time.)
When it came time for him to die, I decided what kind of person I wanted to be. I spent every night in the hospital with him after working and going to school every day for six weeks. Fortunately I had a good support system and my best friend did my laundry - I fed his pets at his apartment, quickly showered and started another day. It wasn't so much about taking care of him as it was about the person I wanted to be able to look in the mirror every day and respect. He was a very unpleasant man toward many people, but I accepted it as part of who I wanted to be and what I could live with myself doing after he passed.
It has been quite a few years now, and I am still proud of what I did to maintain my own view of myself. Yes, it was incredibly difficult and I did what his own children should have done but they lived out of state. He had lived close to them, but they never spoke with him so he moved here.
I look back at that time and am glad I did what I did, if only so I could look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty.
Please decide the kind of person you want to be, and then be that person.
When I posed this question I was looking for inspiration, and spiritual or moral motivation. My brother and I continue to seek government financial support. In the meantime, we still have to provide for my dad and I am not as "evolved" as you are, but I am getting there. I agree with everything you said. It's still hard though to communicate with my dad and pretend that I am happy to speak with him and continue to send money when it's too late for him to learn any lessons or see the error in his past behavior.
Thanks again.
Now he’s on oxygen 24/7, and somehow I’ve ended up paying for his cellphone service for the last ten or twelve years. I also pay all expenses to visit him about once a year. I figure he has less than five years left, and I’ve taken up the slack for this long, so I might as well see him through until the end of his life.
Yes, I’m resentful and angry, but I would feel worse if I stopped paying and visiting. My mother died last year from complications of Alzheimer’s; she wasn’t Mom of the year by anyone’s stretch of the imagination. I took over her affairs and saw her through to the end . That’s just what I chose to do; I’m proud of myself for taking care of my parents when they really didn’t want me to exist in the first place, and treated me like a throw-away nuisance. My parents both have told me separately that I was a mistake, and they didn’t want to be parents. Well, I think they’re both lucky that they did have me; I stuck around for both of them when they had no one else.
Like you, I would feel worse to know that my dad would suffer, and/or that my brother would have to pick up the financial slack, which would cause serious harm to his family. The intention of my question was to find a way to feel good, or less angry and resentful about supporting my dad's care. A few people could read between the lines, as you did, and for that I am grateful. Some even provided very kind and inspirational words--so be sure to read thru all the responses because it would apply to you too!
All the best to you! You learned some very valuable lessons in life and no one can take that away from you.
The only other way to view it was mentioned by a few - you have to live with yourself and your decisions. It doesn't sound like you would like yourself if you pulled away and stopped helping. Your value system is important and if you were to turn your back on those values, you might have repercussions.
I do know how it feels from a different perspective. When getting divorced, my atty told me to hide whatever money I could. I *could not* do that, as it didn't seem right to me and I have to wake up to myself and look at myself in the mirror. This is despite NOT getting financial support before and after we split up AND having him try to paint me as an abusive mom. Most of the savings we did have came from my paycheck and my hard work to save it. On the day I handed him a check, he didn't take it right away and stated he thought there was more than that. I almost ripped up the check!!! Also, without going into the details about his behavior and treatment of us, when my son, about age 10, stated that he hated his dad because I did, I HAD to correct him! I told him that 1) I didn't hate his dad, I only hated some of the things he would do and 2) I didn't want him to form opinions based on what someone else might think or believe!
Anyway, stay true to yourself and your values. Hopefully you and your brother can find some help for your mom and your dad. If nothing else, know that this won't last forever.