My 82-year old wife was diagnosed with vascular dementia (in combination with Alzheimer's) in 2021, after a long career as a classroom school teacher. I, her husband of 60 years and now age 86, have been her primary caregiver for the past 6 years. Her dementia (and aphasia) has now progressed to the severe stage, and we have been asked to withdraw from her church-sponsored day program (for persons with mild to moderate dementia). I sadly am no longer able to provide her the level of care she needs and deserves and have arranged for her admission to an upscale memory care community with the full concurrence and support of our adult children. But I fear she will be hurt and feel that I have abandoned her in some way when we actually transition her into the facility next month, although I will live nearby and visit her every day. I would welcome advice on how to make this transition, particularly from any of you who have personally faced similar circumstances. Thank you in advance for your advice and kind assistance.
After that, we stopped by the activity to see him, said we'd see him later and left. He had dinner, met residents who were his neighbors, and spent the night. It was a rough night for him. He didn't really understand, but he didn't blame nor did he ask about home. I was there first thing the next day and every day. There was no restriction on visiting, and it was best for him to see me every day. The aides were very good to him and engaged him in conversation and activities.
As his condition declined, it was necessary to move him to a different MC where his needed level of care could be provided. He has been there for 9 months, has adjusted, and is happy and content. I'm there almost every day. He's made friends and the staff loves him. He has never asked about home. I don't think he remembers it. He seems to understand that the care facility is home.
Be patient, don't get upset over the small things, and trust the care facility. They've been through all of this before and will know how to handle her situation. Good luck!
PS: Don't feel guilty. In no way is guilt necessary when you know in your heart that you have done your best by providing professional care for your beloved wife when that is what she definitely needs.
That way you can say that you're taking her to lunch and when the lunch is done the aides will take her to her new room that you will have set up previously with some of her favorite things, and you can sneak out if you have to.
I know that most memory care facilities recommend that family members stay away for the first week or two, giving their loved one time to adjust to their new surroundings and the new people that will be taking care of them, but you have to do whatever you feel is best for you and your wife.
I believe that this will actually be harder on you than it will your wife, but know that if your wife's care is getting to be just too much for you, then you are doing the right thing in getting her placed.
I wish you well as you take this final and difficult journey with your wife.