I’ve now had a message from Ron. He is married, living in his own family home. He indicates that ‘friend’ is his wife. He “led a group of interest for Military Veterans in a couple of AF's for 2 years working with Activities Directors of those AF's”, which squares up with the post, though many AL residents may differ from Military Veterans.
He was “looking for others experiences in dealing with my particular situation”. There are many people who can relate to negativity from a spouse, and will respond. However you can’t get much help from people who are totally confused about the “particular situation”.
He ‘thanks me for my input’, which is fair enough if he really means the suggestion for clarity.
1) Ron Hochhauser and ‘friend’ actually live together in the AL. No other reason given for house sharing. 2) Ron wants to sort out everyone else who lives in the AL, who he thinks are social under-achievers. We have his full name, he is no shrinking violet. 3) Ron’s idea of good things to discuss are not shared by everyone else. His choice of Trivia, and his ‘experience as an AmeriCorps Volunteer’, may go down like a lead balloon with some people. 4) The lack of general acclaim is why Ron is spending so much ‘time in his room’. 5) This poor woman doesn’t feel able to complain openly about this intrusive behavior, but wishes he would just shut up.
The post and profile can read this way, just as easily as the general assumptions the other way in the replies.
One thing I value about the site is the different slants that people bring to it. Usually the answers are sympathetic, but sometimes they are quite confronting. This may or may not be what the poster really needs, or is looking for. I remember a recent post from a woman who was unhappy that she had ‘helped’ her mother at a Bingo session, and her ‘ungrateful’ mother had suggested that she get her own hand if she wanted to play herself. While my old-school teacher mother never played Bingo in her life, I flinch to think of her reaction if someone had ‘helped’ her!
I put a softer ‘what if’ post originally, and this morning was frustrated that every answer is dumping on a woman who may be restraining herself from making a justifiable complaint to management. Answers to my previous questions could have helped.
You could try how I handle under-the-breath snide comments. I call it out directly by asking loudly (preferably in front of others) this question:
What the hell is your problem?
Bring the aggression a little bit. Don't ask her kindly or try to see things through her eyes. Just a plain, old 'What the hell is your problem?' is all you need sometimes. The snide comments do affect a person no matter how well you ignore them. Don't live with that anymore. You sound like a nice person from what your profile says and it's a nice idea to try and make a social group for the people in the AL. Your first priority should be getting away from the snide, negative loser you live with. After you've done this, go and arrange that socialization group for the people in the AL and exclude her from joining it.
Ron, I’m confused by the question and your profile. You ‘live together’ with ‘your friend’, and also you are ‘sharing some time with Asst Living Residents, trying to get group discussion going in an AL facility’. Do you both live in this AL facility, or do you share a house with your friend (the one who is sniping at you)? If you share a house, who owns it (or is the head tenant if it’s rented).
If it’s a shared house, perhaps it’s time for you and your friend to live separately. You can continue to care about her without living with her.
If this is all happening in the AL facility, perhaps she resents you trying to take responsibility for this ‘discussion group’. Many people in AL are quite independent, and might have some objections, particularly if it takes over a common space. What does the management think about it?
Thanks everyone for your solutions. I'm trying to ignore the comments. Unfortunately they're said kinda' under her breath quietly, but I still hear them. We live together so I spend time in my own room a lot.
Be careful. It's not actually possible to ignore the comments. The verbal and psychological abuse will get you down, and wear you down. And the abuse will never stop. I'm sure you've already tried to reason with them, discuss with them. An abuser will never stop. Maybe nice for some minutes, the snide comments will always re-appear.
Even if you walk away to another room, you'll have heard part of it. That's what they want, to wear and tear you down.
You can't. Nasty, snide remarks will get you down, no matter what. Those who think they've managed to grey rock, or who have a thick skin...The truth is, they're also affected. They might not even notice how it's affected them. They might, year after year, slowly, turn into an angry, grumpy person, with a bad mood. Some surprising illness might pop up years later, after all the stress from the psychological abuse. Beware!
The only thing you can do is less contact (for example, ear plugs, or physically going away), or no contact, if you truly want to distance yourself from nasty remarks. In other words, the only thing you can do is not hear the nasty remarks in the first place. By the way, nasty looks are just as damaging. Often the nasty person will use an artillery (it's a war against you) of strategies: nasty looks, snide remarks, silent treatment, retaliation, triangulation, ignoring you, flying monkeys...
There is a psychological practice called "extinguishing" behavior. Simply, this means you completely ignore the remarks and take control by redirecting the conversation (if you're in a group of people). You keep doing this. Eventually this causes the offender enough embarrassment that they will stop doing it (if they have a brain in their head). Even if this offender asks you point blank why you keep changing the topic, look them straight in the eye and change the topic. If you're alone with this person, you can either do this, or silently walk away. If you react to their words, you give them power (even if you have a clever retort ready, giving an offender this "bad" attention is better than no attention at all). Reacting to them shows them they "got to you". Remove all possible satisfaction in offending you and they will stop doing it.
You need a quick wit, which is something I do not have.
You may just have to get snide back. Hard though if that is not ur nature. You could just get up and walk away. My Mom just had a look that you knew she was not happy. As said a lot on this forum, people treat u the way you let them.
He was “looking for others experiences in dealing with my particular situation”. There are many people who can relate to negativity from a spouse, and will respond. However you can’t get much help from people who are totally confused about the “particular situation”.
He ‘thanks me for my input’, which is fair enough if he really means the suggestion for clarity.
1) Ron Hochhauser and ‘friend’ actually live together in the AL. No other reason given for house sharing.
2) Ron wants to sort out everyone else who lives in the AL, who he thinks are social under-achievers. We have his full name, he is no shrinking violet.
3) Ron’s idea of good things to discuss are not shared by everyone else. His choice of Trivia, and his ‘experience as an AmeriCorps Volunteer’, may go down like a lead balloon with some people.
4) The lack of general acclaim is why Ron is spending so much ‘time in his room’.
5) This poor woman doesn’t feel able to complain openly about this intrusive behavior, but wishes he would just shut up.
The post and profile can read this way, just as easily as the general assumptions the other way in the replies.
I put a softer ‘what if’ post originally, and this morning was frustrated that every answer is dumping on a woman who may be restraining herself from making a justifiable complaint to management. Answers to my previous questions could have helped.
I call it out directly by asking loudly (preferably in front of others) this question:
What the hell is your problem?
Bring the aggression a little bit. Don't ask her kindly or try to see things through her eyes.
Just a plain, old 'What the hell is your problem?' is all you need sometimes.
The snide comments do affect a person no matter how well you ignore them. Don't live with that anymore.
You sound like a nice person from what your profile says and it's a nice idea to try and make a social group for the people in the AL.
Your first priority should be getting away from the snide, negative loser you live with.
After you've done this, go and arrange that socialization group for the people in the AL and exclude her from joining it.
If it’s a shared house, perhaps it’s time for you and your friend to live separately. You can continue to care about her without living with her.
If this is all happening in the AL facility, perhaps she resents you trying to take responsibility for this ‘discussion group’. Many people in AL are quite independent, and might have some objections, particularly if it takes over a common space. What does the management think about it?
Some more details might help.
Even if you walk away to another room, you'll have heard part of it. That's what they want, to wear and tear you down.
The only thing you can do is less contact (for example, ear plugs, or physically going away), or no contact, if you truly want to distance yourself from nasty remarks. In other words, the only thing you can do is not hear the nasty remarks in the first place. By the way, nasty looks are just as damaging. Often the nasty person will use an artillery (it's a war against you) of strategies: nasty looks, snide remarks, silent treatment, retaliation, triangulation, ignoring you, flying monkeys...
You get the picture.
It's a war out there.
You may just have to get snide back. Hard though if that is not ur nature. You could just get up and walk away. My Mom just had a look that you knew she was not happy. As said a lot on this forum, people treat u the way you let them.
Can u give examples.