Hi. I’m 29 and I’m an only child. My parents are 65 and 59. They both struggle pretty heavily with health stuff. My mom was just admitted to the hospital and I was wondering when you know if it’s urgent enough to drive the 11 hours home?
My dad is there and he is the opposite of helpful. He withholds information from me, yells at my mom, leaves her alone in the hospital room. We get a social worker called on us every time she is hospitalized (often).
She has pneumonia and Covid. Just curious if I need to get ready to make that drive. I want to encourage their independence but I worry about them constantly. Thank you!
No way should you get in the middle of their drama and become responsible for making it all better! And get Covid on top of it. Look after yourself and continue to be an independent adult. I wish you well with all of it.
Get on with your life. Wish them well. Help out with an Amazon Wish List as far as getting some staples delivered in. If you are financially well off provide such things as occ. cleaning help, internet connectivity and etc.
Do not begin to take this on. There will be no answers as long as YOU are all the answers.
out for themselves. If you show up you will forever be the solution to any future issues
I would say that now is the time Mom and Dad need to get their ducks in a row. If you don't want to be their DPOA, thats OK. But, you should be put on all their HIPAA forms stating that you can talk to Nurses and Doctors. Both should have a living Will saying what they don't want or do want concerning their health. Medical POA does not obligate you in any way. It just gives you the ability to talk to Medical personnel. It also is like a living will listing what the principle wants and does not want concerning their heath.
You only have to be involved with your parents as much as you want to be. You set the boundaries. I assume you tell these Social Workers not much you can do about Dad. You also can't be running back and forth everytime one of them is hospitalized because you really don't have any legal power to do anything and sometimes in certain families thats a good thing.
Second, ask your mother to add you on her HIPAA privacy forms and whatever other paperwork releases are needed, to allow you to speak directly to her medical providers, so that you can bypass your dad and get accurate information from them.
Third, define what your purpose would be in making this long trip, since the medical issues arise so often. Certainly if it was a critical issue and you felt like you might need to say goodbye. But below that, what would you want to do, what would you feel like you need to do, and what would you actually be able to do, given the difficult relationship issues? Your comment that you want to encourage their independence is so backward -- they should be encouraging you in your life, not the other way around! So if you're seeking to do more than is really feasible, or being expected to do more than is really feasible, tamp down your instincts to jump in the car and plunge into unnecessary and unproductive drama. It sounds like you've gotten caught up in this kind of thing before, so it's good that you're evaluating the situation rather than just reflexively letting yourself be taken advantage of.
It sounds very frustrating. I wish your mom well in recuperating from this. I also wish you well in continuing to navigate these situations going forward, since it seems there will be more of them. Don't let yourself be held hostage by other people's drama.
It likely is a life long situation where the child has taken on the role of being more of an 'adult' taking care of the parent(s). This is more than just about driving. I hope this young woman / daughter gets into therapy to sort it all out for her own peace of mind. Gena
That said, it sounds like your mom is seriously ill with pneumonia. What is the prognosis? What is wrong with dad that he behaves in such a manner? Is he cognitively impaired? As an only child, as I was, you're the only person to care about them, basically. I believe in being proactive with our parents to be as helpful as possible even when hands on caregiving is not possible or doable.
See if you can speak with moms doctor. Do as MG suggests and get mom to add you to her HIPAA forms to receive information about her status. Go from there.
I had to move my folks close to me, from FL to Colo, so I could manage their care. Dad was no longer able to drive and mom refused to, so they were disabled from that perspective alone. And they were in their upper 80s by then. Even though your folks are young, if they have a long history of health issues, you may have to intervene at some point to get help for them w/o doing the care yourself, as I did.
Perhaps there is a social worker at mom's hospital you can speak with now to get an idea of what's happening before you drive down there. That would be your best bet for the moment, Imo.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Get on with your life. Wish them well. Help out with an Amazon Wish List as far as getting some staples delivered in. If you are financially well off provide such things as occ. cleaning help, internet connectivity and etc.
Do not begin to take this on. There will be no answers as long as YOU are all the answers.
Would like just to say, if I get covid tomorrow we will muster through at 83 and 85. We will call hospital or EMS as needed, get our needs met. WE WILL NOT BE CALLING our children to come to us.
I don't think we have enough context to give you the best guidance:
- what's your Dad's problem with his behavior?
- why is your Mom hospitalized so often?
- why can't she help herself?
- what happens when the social worker gets called whenver she is hospitalized?
- what is it exactly that you think you'd be doing if you went there, and how long would you stay? Don't you have a job?
FYI, your parents are *young*.
More info would be helpful.
Tell the Social worker that maybe she needs to contact APS, your dad can not care for mom at home. And possibly your dad is unable to manage his own health.
(you do not go into detail what is going on with him physically) But it seems he is burned out and can not manage by himself.
YOU are not POA for either of them (are you?) If you are not POA you can not make any decisions for them.
I would make it known that you are in no position to take on their care. (unless you really are and I would discourage that)
Why should you need to “ encourage their independence ? “. Either they are independent adults , or they aren’t . If not, then I would tell the social worker that you live 11 hours away and can not drop things to come running .
DO NOT start propping up your parents and supporting a false independence by running there . If they can not care for themselves then they need some hired homecare or assisted living . Food etc can be delivered as well . You are far too young to stop your own life to take care of two people who are not even that old and could live another couple of decades .
Does Dad have cognitive issues ? If so , perhaps call APS , or their County Agency of Aging and get a social worker involved regarding the situation at home .