How do you decide what is right for your mother that has dementia at 85 years old?

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Should she continue living at the assisted living or bring her home? Their is an emotional tie, feeling guilty,but at the same time she has become very difficult. She is unhappy where she is at , she was unhappy with me , with my brother, with my friend. She is upset at the world, grand children, great grandchildren. People upset her, noise upsets her and is extremely inpatient. Does not want to do anything. I don’t want to draw my mother as an ogre, but at times it seems that way. For me it is a difficult decision.

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Believeme, we all try real hard to make our parents later years as happy as they can be, but there is a limit on what we can do.

Getting older is no fun. Your Mom can't hop in the car and drive herself to the mall.... all her friends probably moved or have passed on... she wakes up with all types of aches and pains.... food doesn't taste good anymore because one's taste buds disappear, except for sweets.... her eyesight is probably failing and so is her hearing. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't be a happy camper no matter where I lived. Life just doesn't seem fair.

You need to remember that Mom is in assisted living for a reason, and that reason is because she needs a higher level of care. If you brought Mom home, you would be physically and emotionally exhausted, and close to 40% of family caregivers pass away, those are not good odds. What happens to Mom then? She is back to the same assisted living, but without you to visit.
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I agree with looking at Naomi Feil's techniques. I also agree that your mom may not be happy. Someone told me "happy" is a tough goal, aim for "safe" and "well-cared for". Occasionally my mom is happy for a few moments... Those keep me going.
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All of what you describe are symptoms of the disease. Check out Naomi Fell's techniques on validation techniques for communicating with her. It makes things much easier for both of you. But don't take her into your home. She will still be unhappy, and so will you
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Your mom is going to be unhappy wherever she is. She's not young and she's not healthy. She's also lost control of her life. All of those things make her unhappy if she's like most seniors. So chances are, if you bring her home, she'll still be miserable because you can't turn back time and make her healthy and young again. I wouldn't bring her home. She's going to need more and more help as her disease progresses.

Is your mom on any medication for depression? It sounds like something might help her with her anger and unhappiness. Leave her where she is and see if you can get her some medication to ease her unhappiness.
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