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I put my mom in AL after my brother passed away. Middle stage ALZ. Dad passed Jan 2018. Brother who lived at home passed that July (drinking). My mom needed a walker. I have too many stairs. Split level home. She loves (loved) her AL. Went on outings. Has friends. Did more there then she did at home with my dad (she was extremely depressed when she found out what she had). Now she’s deteriorating. I thought by time she was ready for memory care she would be more advanced and unaware. I feel horrible everyday for not having her with me. But that would mean a live in aid 24hr a day since she tries to walk without her walker. My husband and I work full time. She will go from saying she wants to live with to she doesn’t. We sold her house and using that money for her care. After three years if we run out she will be eligible for Medicaid. Not sure what I’m asking but just want to know if anyone can relate?

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Thanks. You guys made me feel a lot better ❤️❤️❤️
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kimberlitas Sep 14, 2019
I want to second Val622 reply, you all made me feel better too! I still have mom at home but I'll refer back to this post when the time comes to place her.
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What, exactly, do you have to feel guilty FOR? For providing her a high level of care that you are unable to provide her in your home? For giving her a safe haven where she's fed hot meals & snacks every day, entertained with various singers and talents, given games to amuse her, taken on outings every now & then, and shown loving compassion by a team of devoted care givers? My 92.5 year old mother went from regular Assisted Living into Memory Care this past May. I don't feel guilty at all for either placement, because frankly, I am unqualified to care for her in my home. She is 100% incontinent, has moderate to severe dementia, afib and vertigo, has suffered a stroke, is wheelchair bound, and the list goes on. Hopefully you see the futility of feeling guilty for something you cannot control. Having your mother living in your home is untenable. Unmanageable. Not to mention unaffordable for 24 hour/7 days a week care givers to live in your home.

See this for what it is: the only answer for her safety & well being. Go visit her whenever you like and maintain the daughter relationship with her instead of the stressed out care giver relationship where you'd be frustrated quite often. Then you'd REALLY have something to feel guilty for!!

Best of luck!
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How can you feel guilty when she adjusted so well. We Baby Boombers are between a rock and hard place. We must look to our future. We need SS and need to continue getting credit till we retire. Its not like years ago when there were no ALs and NHs were horrible. The wife was a homemaker and it was just a given that she would be a caregiver. Our economy is such that both people in a marriage have to work. You are lucky that Mom has money for her care. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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When I visit the assisted living where my bro is, those who work there always tease me that guilt is what they deal with all the live long day. People feel their human limitations so profoundly. That is because they are GOOD people, because trust me, the psychopathic personalities out there? They don't care at all. They have not a clue how to feel empathy and pain. So you are a good person who is face to face with her human limitations, and it hurts like all heck. I dub you "normal". Go forth and be normal. Forgive yourself. Not everything can be fixed. You aren't a Saint. You are only a human. And clearly you are a very LOVING human being. When it hurts, let it hurt. Say "ouch, ouch, ouch" and cry. Let yourself curl up in a helpless ball of pain and depression and just feel it, and then move on. Look on both your feelings and your Mom's feelings as weather fronts that move through. Some are stormy, some are sunny. And that's just life.
I am sorry for your pain. Please allow yourself to feel human happiness in your own life. There are moments I have to almost physically pull myself back from thinking about it all and say "No! It isn't about Dee right now. I already thought about all that. It's about me now." Give yourself a bit of time. You deserve that.
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