How do you deal with the anger?

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Mom is back on one of her angry moods, of course everything is my fault. She just left me a message that I'm no longer her daughter, all because she ruined her supper (she dropped the food on the floor). It went into the laundry list of how I decided to move away (she actually encouraged me as I couldn't find a job locally and I was getting to be an embarrassment - all 40 years ago). She now has the mantra of how she'd always talked about moving away long ago, how she wanted to move away from her parents who were too controlling after my dad died (well over 50 years ago, and not true one bit), and how her dream was to buy a home with me. I think it's basically she doesn't get the attention nor does she have the control she did when I was a child. Brother lives locally, does errands, but he's in and out. He doesn't share any personal details of his life. We both know that anything we can say can be used as a weapon later against us.


For example, she mentioned that a neighbor, who has severe dementia, was being moved far out of state with her daughter. Stupid me, I said yes, it was sad, because I'd heard her last year, as they walked her outside, the poor woman didn't even realize she was outside. It was pitiful. Later that week, I heard yes, how her daughter was a good daughter, and I was basically crap, because I didn't take care of my mother! It just goes on through every hurt, real and imagined. She'd told me years ago, that sometimes she'd just yell at me because it was necessary - I needed to be "taken down a couple of notches".


It's now impacting my own health. I just now blocked her number because I can listen to the voice mails, but I don't want to speak to her now. I dread every visit and every phone call. She will be 'sunny' for a little bit, then it'll go back to a very dark, angry place. Even if I'd say come here, move in, she'd revert back to a dark mood within a couple of weeks. She's angry at the world, angry at aging. She mentioned last night, about two brides who just got married, I hope they're luckier than I was. Same goes if someone celebrates a milestone wedding anniversary; she'll say she's happy for them (not really), then launch into how she didn't even get 20 years with dad. Dad died suddenly from a heart attack, and I seriously wonder now if the anxiety of living with her moods didn't play a major part. My brother has been to specialists for his health. I don't think it's all just coincidence.


She's clearly not going to change this late in the game, so I'm honestly at a loss. She will not go into "no damned nursing home" nor any sort of senior living, to her they're all the same, plus I owe her. That is her mentality; she helped me move a few times (insisted on helping). In fact, anything she ever did for me is now translated into - I did all that for you, now you owe me. I really think in her mind I only exist to fulfill her needs. I am not a separate person who has their own wants and needs. She sees me as the shy 10 year old I once was, who did whatever she was told without saying a word. If I say something, as in I'm an adult, I get the response, "you think you're so big now". Yes, I am big, I am in my 60's. I am not a child. Because I actually have a mind of my own, I am disrespectful, lazy, ungrateful. Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent.

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Elderly can get very hateful sometimes. Turn to something you enjoy, & make a point to go places you like, (without thinking about her). We can't make their world what they want, so let go & enjoy your own.
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Reply to Tiger55
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I'd find a counselor to talk to about it. They can help provide you tools to manage living with a parent who seems to have no boundaries nor respect for you.

And, based on your description, I'd wonder if she's really ok. Has she always been so inappropriate? Sometimes this kind of demanding and ungrateful behavior comes from some kind of cognitive problem. But, as long as she's competent, I'd figure a way to keep her negativity out of my daily life. No one has the right to demean another or hurt their self esteem. Some adult children have the ability to give back as good as they get and nip the insults in the bud, but, if you are more sensitive and timid with her, avoidance may be an option. Just curious, but, have you ever told her that she's being rude and insulting, that you won't tolerate it and if she continues, you'll hang up? Just curious as to how she responds to someone being direct with her.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Venting is good. But like Joy said its time to say enough is enough. You don't have to listen to her messages, delete when you hear her voice. Same with phone calls. As soon as she gets started, tell her sorry, I refuse to listen to you tear me down. So I am hanging up. Like that you blocked her then you don't know she called. No one deserves what your mother does. Your poor brother. You will not change Mom but you can change you. Boundries should have been set years ago. It will be hard now but can be done, TG you don't live close. You owe this woman nothing. She has drained you dry. Never, take her into your home. When the time comes, get her into a nice NH. This will meet her needs, she will be kept clean, warm and fed. They will do her laundry and the NH can be her payee for SS and pension. If you want, you can visit when u want. If she is abusive, walk out.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You say you are in your 60’s, but in your mind and Mom’s, you are still 9 years old. As long as you let her control and abuse you, she’ll be more than happy to. As long as you let her tell you how to think and feel, she’ll be more than happy to do that as well. You are assimilating her negativity, turning it inwards and letting it control you. Letting HER control you. My mother was a negative and paranoid woman all her life. I was “dumbo” and “dunderhead”. From a young age, I understood her negativity and when I went to Junior High, I was determined to never let it overtake me. It didn’t.

If you aren't seeing a therapist, you need to. You need find some tools to get this woman out of your head. You need validation that you are a worthwhile and good person. I wish you the best of luck.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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