How do you deal with the aftermath of putting your mother in a nursing home against your fathers wishes?

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She needs to be in now.


Dad is scared he’ll be left broke and alone.


I want my life and my sanity back.


Somehow I ended up here. No matter what I do I’m the bad guy.

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Gremlin, why can't you leave for more than 45 minutes?

Do you have caregivers coming in at all? Have you asked mom's doctor about scripting some short term home health care through Medicare? Hire private pay caregivers ( with your parent's funds of course) for a couple of hours a week to give you both a break? Have you looked into adult day care?

Have you spoken directly to Medicaid about applying for NH Medicaid for mom?

Have you called your local Area Agency on Aging to ask about eldercare attornies who come to the home?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Your father won't go to an eldercare attorney?

Is your father competent?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Just need to say...I found that dealing with Medicaid was not that hard. Thats why I suggest a sit down with them first. Then if they feel its needed, get a lawyer. I got a lawyer because I had a disabled nephew living in Moms house. The first Medicaid caseworker said he may need to pay rent which was way over what he brought in. So I hired a lawyer using Moms money. I wanted to make sure I made no mistakes. If she didn't have the house, I wouldn't have done it. The initial fee was 5k. Not everyone has that. I lucked out that the caseworker I got, just took the paperwork the house was up for sale and didn't say anything about someone living there.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Gremlin, have you actually gone to the real Medicaid office (not just the nursing home Medicaid liaison.) or made an appointment with your Dad to see an elder law attorney? I would not advise letting the NH Medicaid person apply for you. If your Dad has a house and assets, you probably need a skilled lawyer to navigate this process. My moms application was pretty simple, and I did it at the Medicaid office.

As the ad on the radio here for an elder law attorney says “There’s always something that can be done”.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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Gremlin, please recognize that the Nursing home business office may NOT have your father's financial interests at heart. They are interested in getting more, not less of your family's private pay money.

That's why you need a lawyer.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Gremlin Sep 1, 2018
When!? My father will not go and I can't leave for long enough. I'm lucky to get 45 minutes a day to go to the store. I'm the only one here helping. There is no one else.
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I imagine you have contacted an elder law attorney to assist in getting mom eligible for Medicaid. Your dad will not become impoverished. There are hoops that need to be jumped through. Your dad is concerned about his financial future, I would be too.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Gremlin, is your dad understanding that he won't be impoverished by mom's move to NH? Does he have cognitive issues?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Gremlin Sep 1, 2018
No cognitive issues . . . yet. He's just old and a little paranoid but it's no longer an issue. After telling him she needs to go into the home as soon as I can get her in there I contacted the admissions director. After hours of waiting for a return call I called to confirm her admission and was told she could not/would not be admitted because they own too much property.
One is the house they live in. Two of the properties are just car garages. One is a "rental" property that the let my sister live in. She pays the "rent" in cash but that money goes toward her bills. Many month they go into the hole by letting her live there.
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