My mom has been taking care of my Dad for the last five years just found out today that there is a bed available in a facility just around the corner from them I know it's for the best but I am really struggling and I also live out of state
This is not about you. This is about Mom. Caregiving 24/7 is very stressful and physically draining. You have no info on ur profile to say what is wrong with Dad or his age. If Dementia and Mom has been caring for him for five years, its been hard because its so unpredictable. I placed my Mom in an AL and later LTC. She did well in both. Better than living with me. I know I will not be physically able to care for my DH. He is 10 in taller and 75lbs heavier.
It is a hard decision placing a LO. The LOs needs have to be looked at and the ability of the Caregiver to care for those needs.
It’s wonderful that mom has found a place for dad that is so close to her. She is almost certainly worried, upset and mourning the loss that she’s experiencing. The best thing you could do for all concerned is to remain positive and encourage mom to place dad where he’ll have 24/7 care from professionals.
No one wants to go to a nursing home, but they aren’t to be dreaded. Be thankful that there are people to care for your dad so your mother’s burden can be lifted.
5 years is a long time for your mom to have been caring for your dad. She deserves a break. Please support your mom. She probably has mixed feelings about doing this but really needs it.
A nursing home is quite a different kettle of fish than an Assisted Living facility.
If dad's care has become too much for mom to deal with, as often becomes the case with Alzheimer's and dementia, then a SNF IS the best answer for all concerned. Living out of state, you may not be aware of the toll his care is taking on her, but it's a gruesome thing after 5 years, for most caregivers.
While a SNF IS nobody's first choice in life, neither is dementia. It's truly a lose-lose situation for ALL involved. My mother suffered from vascular dementia for 6 years and lived in a wonderful Memory Care Assisted Living facility for 3. And STILL it wasn't perfect for her, even though she got great care. I cried every time I visited her (afterward in the car) because the decline is a terrible thing to witness. I prayed daily for God to take her, but that didn't happen till she was over 95.
It's okay to struggle, but it's what mom needs now most likely, and what dad requires as well. Visit when you can and make the best of a sad situation.
Have you visited the facility? I was absolutely repulsed and afraid that my father would be going into assisted living. I was totally wrong about that! In fact it was the best thing at his stage of life - caring staff 24/7, a restaurant open 24/7, a workout room 24/7, social lounges 24/7, outdoor walking trails. He will never have a power outage! He will never be alone. He will never forget to take his medication. They have daily sing-longs, games, activities, trips to local sites, etc.. It's beyond anything that I could imagine. It's almost like a resort. In fact I would call it a "medical resort". As much as I feared the day he was to go in I would be infinitely more fearful if he decided to leave!
Another great thing - it has allowed me and brother to get our lives back from hands on care giving. Oh, my father's condition improved as soon as he got there too.
Something to fear? I wish I knew it was something to embrace.
I would say someone important is left out of the equation here? What does MOM say, as this is quite honestly in her hands. You are correct to be worried about her. She could well die before her husband when this caregiving becomes more than she can bear. Still this is a matter for your parents, not you to decide.
Eventually something will happen. Dad will become more than Mom can handle or Mom will have an injury. Possibly death.
I don't know if you plan a visit, but it is time to work on assets evaluation, POAs for health and financial when that is needed, on all paperwork, and then the hard face to face discussions. Hope you will update us when that can happen.
It is a hard decision placing a LO. The LOs needs have to be looked at and the ability of the Caregiver to care for those needs.
No one wants to go to a nursing home, but they aren’t to be dreaded. Be thankful that there are people to care for your dad so your mother’s burden can be lifted.
If dad's care has become too much for mom to deal with, as often becomes the case with Alzheimer's and dementia, then a SNF IS the best answer for all concerned. Living out of state, you may not be aware of the toll his care is taking on her, but it's a gruesome thing after 5 years, for most caregivers.
While a SNF IS nobody's first choice in life, neither is dementia. It's truly a lose-lose situation for ALL involved. My mother suffered from vascular dementia for 6 years and lived in a wonderful Memory Care Assisted Living facility for 3. And STILL it wasn't perfect for her, even though she got great care. I cried every time I visited her (afterward in the car) because the decline is a terrible thing to witness. I prayed daily for God to take her, but that didn't happen till she was over 95.
It's okay to struggle, but it's what mom needs now most likely, and what dad requires as well. Visit when you can and make the best of a sad situation.
Good luck to you.
Another great thing - it has allowed me and brother to get our lives back from hands on care giving. Oh, my father's condition improved as soon as he got there too.
Something to fear? I wish I knew it was something to embrace.
What does MOM say, as this is quite honestly in her hands.
You are correct to be worried about her. She could well die before her husband when this caregiving becomes more than she can bear. Still this is a matter for your parents, not you to decide.
Eventually something will happen. Dad will become more than Mom can handle or Mom will have an injury. Possibly death.
I don't know if you plan a visit, but it is time to work on assets evaluation, POAs for health and financial when that is needed, on all paperwork, and then the hard face to face discussions. Hope you will update us when that can happen.