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I’m wondering if anyone has any good tips? My father absolutely cannot see he has dementia. I realize this is not his fault, but most likely a symptom. Therefore, he is always angry with me. He feels what I do to help him is not necessary because he is perfectly capable in his mind. Now that we are considering a care home due to his increasing needs, he feels we no longer want him here and are just kicking him out. I guess I’m tired of being seen as the “bad guy” (or woman), but there’s probably no way around it. I’m guessing it happens to many others. I miss the days his dementia was not as bad and we got along. Taking walks, having nice discussions. I’m wondering if he will even want me to visit or call him once he moves, if he can’t see the reason we did this is because we love him.

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Who has POA? If you then what sister wants has no bearing on the situation. Even without a POA, your the one doing the caring and you no longer can do it. Tell sister if she is not willing to care for him, then she can't make you take care of him. With your health there is no other option than to place him. You are no longer going to care for him because he has gone beyond your ability to do so.
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Martz06 Aug 2022
Yes. I’ve been telling her this for the last 2 years and she threatens me with a lawyer. Saying she will fight me on this with every breathe she has and will not let him die in a care home. I guess she figured being with us and not having all of needs met was somehow the better option. I told her my doctor said I can have a heart attack at any time from this stress so I hope she is prepared to lose me and take my father to live with her. Something resonated with her, and she said she would stop fighting me on this and fly down next month to help me look for a care home and fill out paperwork and convince him to move.
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The past is the past, your father is not the man he was, he has a disease of the brain, one that there is no cure for.

What your sister wants has no bearing on what needs to be done.

Why worry about whether he will see you or not? This is a moot point as soon he won't remember anything including who you are.

Move forward do what is best for both him and you.
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You must keep telling yourself "his brain is broken, he doesn't mean any of it" Then do your best to redirect the topic, start a physical project with him, put on some of his favorite music, ignore what he just said or walk out of the room. You will exhaust yourself trying to reason with him or change his mind or point out facts. None of that will be fruitful.

You may want to consider asking his doctor about meds for depression or mood since his broken brain will keep him in his angry, agitated state. It's merciful to him and anyone who has to engage with him. In my experience it's not a phase... they become and stay mostly very negative, sad, paranoid, etc. I wish you peace in your heart during his transition into better care. Don't worry what he'll do or how he'll react until it actually happens. He may surprise everyone.
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It’s absolutely to be expected that your father thinks you’re “kicking him out” if he has dementia.

My LO had a 49 Studebaker Convertible when I was a kid. If I could take a 10 minute ride with her just one more time, it would be worth a million bucks to me.

The only thing that works to get through your own sorrow? Stay with him RIGHT IN HIS MOMENT. Make the old conversations a part of your memory book, then accept what he’s saying now as the facts resulting from his damaged brain.

They are HIS facts. His brain no longer knows logic nor filters.

He is not talking to you, criticizing you, insulting you. His brain is responding to faulty stimulus and his anger is the product of faulty perceptions.

Awful and painful for those of us who care. Be good to yourself. If the residential care setting is the place that will best meet his needs for safety and structure and supervision, proceed with as much confidence as you can.

It’s much harder on us as caregivers than on those who need our care.
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I skimmed your previous posts. Are you really considering a care home (finally???)?

You have health issues and have been posting here since 2020. Your sister refuses to take care of your father, yet she also refuses to "let" him got to a facility. She told you that YOU must be his caregiver. You built a guest home on your property for him, and now he's become too much because of his increasing dementia.

Why do you let your sister dictate that you still have to take care of him? You've also mentioned that your father would like to live with your sister, yet you don't have the heart to tell him that she refuses to have him come live with her. Why not tell him?

What steps have you taken to move him to a care home? And is anything really going to happen as long as you accept the bullying from your sister?
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Martz06 Aug 2022
We are currently looking into care home options. My sister is visiting next month and we will tour some. I am POA, she is second. However I became so sick with uncontrolled seizures I was not able to take care of all of this for him and needed her on board to help us both out.
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You need to keep patience & deal patient with love,..I don't think there is another trick.
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