Hi all,
I'm currently a family carer to my elderly dad whose health has declined in the last few years.
I live and care for him in the main family home.
If I move out he will have to go to a nursing home as nobody else in the family is willing to become his full time carer.
While its very tough physically, mentally caring for him I feel I owe it to him to try allow him to stay living in his own home.
My main issue is trying to deal with siblings.
3 siblings recently started helping to look after him for few hours a week.
My struggle is with one sibling who comes into the home to look after dad but is taking over.
For example changing things in house. Doing jobs in garden that I asked them not to do as I liked it the way it is.
This is only some of the minor issues.
I've tried discussing this issue lots of times but they keep doing what they want and see fit regardless of my feelings.
My dad will not say no or disagree with her regardless of my feelings.
I feel stuck & hurt as im the one who has given up their life and still has no control.
I help pay the rent and bills etc in the house.
Ive been recently diagnosed with depression aswell so trying to deal with that aswell.
This sibling only looks after dad for max of 6 hours and thats only when they dont have other plans.
Any ideas of how to solve this beforse our family falls apart?
Everyone as a way to do things.
Unless the person helping is killing plants in the garden, digging up and replanting the peppers where the tomatoes were and putting the tomatoes where the eggplant was...let it go. As you say it is "minor"
In the house..unless they are rearranging furniture, changing where the cutlery is or mixing delicates with the jeans ...... let it go.
Now if someone came in and moved all the supplies for changing dad, moved the creams, ointment, gloves, wipes and briefs/diapers That's a whole different thing!
If they are moving things so you or dad can't find them that's different as well.
Is there an Adult Day Program where you are that dad would be able to participate in? That would give you a break, get him out of the house for a while so sibling would not have a reason to come and "help"
But you do have to accept that you have to relinquish a bit of control when you have help. Does not matter if it is paid caregivers or family that helps. You have to let some of the little stuff go.
If the treatment for your depression is not effective, please call your doctor to let him or her know. Also consider that you may be burned out with caregiving and that it's time to hire in home help to relieve you of some of your duties with dad. That is not a 'failure' on your part, just an admission that you can't (and shouldn't) feel responsible for being all things to all people at all times. Your life and your needs are important here too, not just dad's.
Wishing you the best of luck finding a balance here and taking care of YOURSELF in addition to your father.
When you say you "help pay the rent and bills etc in the house" do you mean you are paying your share? Or are also paying for your Dad's share? I hope you are only paying for your share. You should not be paying for any expense that is your Dad's -- it is unsustainable (maybe not now but in the near future as his needs increase).
If you are living in the "family home" (meaning the house everyone grew up in?) then the other siblings will have as much of a sense of belonging and attachment to it as you do. If you are paying rent to your Dad, and he has most of his cognitive capacity, then HE is the landlord and if he allows others to do yard work etc. then he gets to call the shots, not you.
You are asking how to create more family harmony but the message I get from you is how to get them to do what you want in your way... I think you have to pick your battles and count your blessings -- many on this forum wish their siblings were as involved as yours.
Also consider that at 86, your Dad is asking his different children to do different things around the house but forgets who he told what or any agreement you had with him (been there, done that with my MIL when she started having short-term memory loss in her 80s).
Bless you for wishing to take care of your Dad to keep him in his home as long as possible -- but it won't be possible forever unless he has the funds to pay for that and you don't burn out in the process. Please read the many many other posts on this forum about caregiver burnout. You already struggle with depression. Please work with a therapist to get help for yourself first, and to find and keep healthy boundaries. Weekly or monthly meetings with your siblings to discuss needs in advance and decide who does what would be helpful. Fighting will grieve your Dad. In the end, you can only do what is realistic. There are many excellent articles on this forum that will help you a lot, so make sure to check them out.