I was in a session with my therapist, discussing my mother's needs. I said "I don't think my mom was a particularly good mother, but I am a good daughter and that is why I will be here for her." I actually think my relationship with my parent now is massively better than when she was rearing me, because I have been able to become her defender, helper, and supporter in a way I wish she would have done for me----and I realize it is hard. I have come to the place where I can understand her upbringing and social group---and mine as well---with much more generosity than I did when I was younger. Maybe that can happen for you. Of course, some things do become unforgivable and if you find yourself in that situation, then your first duty is to yourself. I wish you peace.
Was or is, no need to stand for it. I have a parent who is emotionally off from childhood as well so that baggage in this case just gets dragged around and passed on.
Both my parents are in dementia states. There is not even any support from one or the other , in my case, because they both are needy.
My folks did the best they could with what they knew to do. Now they know nothing. Not being able to think is huge. For me it's hard to watch no matter how crappy they were as parents. Never really wanted for anything growing up other than the normalcy that one sees after one learns that growing up was dysfunctional.
Quite a deal.
You inherit it if you wish. Its your choice to drag it around or dump it and stand up for yourself.
I never signed up for this caregiver thing but here I am. Trying to navigate the waters, getting POA S in place, outside caregivers, primary care physicians, etc. Elder care and dementia snuck up and no one ever thought it would be. It was never discussed. Just where the Will is after Death That was it.
So if my parent gets snarky at all I just leave. I ask why do you have to be like that? and leave. I did not choose them as parents. Im a product of their pairing. Might seem like a selfish way to look at it but when one grows up in a dysfunctional family and are now faced with ageing parents still caught in their dysfunction and demented as well? One must protect the inner child.
Get the things in place for them if you wish and come what may.
I did care for my neglectful parent who almost lost custody of me to the state when I was a toddler. I think she just took good-enough care of me to not be an embarrassment.
While I resented her at times, I did love her. And, now I was in charge, I called the shots, and being in control was therapeutic for me. Also, I inherited everything she owned after her death while I had ensured she had no debt.
I am free now. I have no guilt or obligations to anyone, and my "favored" older siblings got no inheritance because they did nothing for her in her final years. Lucky for them, I am not selfish and I did share some cash inheritance out of good will. I am free!
So many children are sacrificed to mental illness; often friends, relatives and neighbors don't get involved or report what they are aware of. As someone here mentioned, the children are left with scars.
Psychotherapy can help a victim walk backwards and look at their upbringings from an adult's perspective. Victims can choose whether or not to forgive those who abused them for some sick gratification: letting go of the pain can bring great relief and free an imprisoned soul. Victims must be very aware of their rights to offer their support from a distance, perhaps by advocating rather than caretaking.
Work with a therapist to set your boundaries of self protection and don't forfeit them. Please consider attending a wellness retreat where they teach Mindfulness Meditation................you are worth the investment!
We are all different. Whether or not you would want to care for an abusive parent (or sib) depends on what has happened between you since you were a child.
I was both neglected and physically abused by my mother when I was a child. It really was nothing personal (it wasn't ME she ignored or hit, it was just that obnoxious thing that stole time and money from the children she actually wanted), she just had a 3rd child she did not want too soon after having the 2 children that she did want. I tried to earn her love for more than 8 years before I figured out that it was a waste of time, left home as soon as I was 18. Moved 3,000 miles away.
But that was not the end. After years of therapy I learned that I needed to come to an understanding and get some peace about my unfortunate non-childhood. Guided by various therapists I reconnected with my family and made friends with some of them.
I did help care for my mother in some rather minor ways, but I committed to nothing that made me uncomfortable and spent little time in her home. I ran errands and took my mother to lunch once a week. We did develop an adult friendship of sorts and I learned to appreciate some of her better attributes. I learned to understand her rejection of my birth, my existence. That does not mean that the memories no longer hurt. It means that I also understood her hurt and her frustration at having a 3rd, then a 4th, then a 5th child when there simply were no resources for more than the 2 children that she actually wanted. The '50's were a cruel time for poor women.
If you are already dealing with anxiety and depression, I hope you have the resources for good therapists. They can help you a lot. You need to deal with yourself and your own problems first. Make good friends where you find them, they can also help you. I found they were especially helpful in taking my mind off my own problems. Helping someone else do something for the pure pleasure of doing it is amazing medicine for anxiety and depression. I know this from experience.
As for your mother, is there someone else who is her primary caregiver? I doubt that it is possible for you to play that role, given your own needs. If that role has been forced on you, refuse it. You will do no good for you or your mother. Such forced "care" would not be either "caring" nor helpful. You would simply amplify the hard feelings that are already there. If necessary, contact state authorities and tell them your mother needs a case worker.
If you are not the primary caregiver, good. Try to do what I did and accept only what you can feel good about doing. If you can visit her once a week (or two weeks) and take her a small gift, that is something that could cheer her up and might make you feel good too. If that is too much, and you really do not want to see her, then send her a card now and then. Why do anything at all? So that you give yourself a chance to extend some peace toward her, giving yourself a chance to heal a little bit. Whatever small thing you can do, do it only if you feel like it. Do nothing for a time if that is what you can deal with. Just watch that you are not looking for revenge or payback. That would hurt you more than help you. Whatever you do, do it for your own part in healing yourself. The relationship with your mother is part of you that is deeply wounded, but any small bit of healing will make all the rest of your sense of yourself feel stronger and more peaceful.
Above all, love yourself, care for yourself, and know that there are many of us who share your pain and know that you, too, can survive this and become the strong and capable person that you are meant to be. You deserve to be able to know and love yourself and to be in charge of all your relationships. You can do this.
The rapid decline of my abusive adoptive mother was somewhat merciful for me, since I did not have to be in close proximity to her for much caregiving. But I did need to engage 'long distance' in part because she'd resist any 'help' coming from me because she feared I'd "put her in a nursing home", which added to the stress of her descent toward death. Long story short, I decided to Do The Right Thing by her for a 'clean' ending for both of us, to sidestep all the horrible experiences I had from her 'personality' and remember her humanity/soul: it was not easy, but in the very end she had a decent death and I could have peace that the drama was over between us. I still have to work on issues stemming out of our difficult relationship, but I am at peace knowing I kept certain boundaries while also making sure my mom had good care at the close of her life, the humane thing, so then I, too, could be 'free.' All the best to you; don't trouble yourself by hoping for some miraculous 'healing' besides simply doing what is necessary for both of you to maintain your peace of mind. The 'drama' comes from personality, which is not all we are but is instead of sort of 'mask' we assume out of culture, conditioning, and one's beliefs.
faithfulbeauty: Your mental and physical health MUST come first in this situation, else your anxiety and depression worsen. Your daughter is your priority, too.
I have a similar issue and it hasn’t been easy at all. I was fortunate to find an experienced caregiver who deals with my birth Mother on a daily basis. I manage her bills and have found a good knowledgeable Dr for a GP and a seasoned Neurologist for the dementia . The phone calls I get from her are most usually are angry, accusing her caregiver or me of some slight. As you probably experience the anxiety that all this brings, keeps me from experiencing it daily and I can help her to age in place for now. We as adults cannot change how our parents treated us as children. We can however do what we feel is right without doing further harm to our own sanity and health. I hope this helps you in some way. APS is always an option if it gets to much.
When I was younger, my mom was distant, angry, and at times, physically abusive. Long story short, I am now mom sole caregiver, Mom now has late-stage Alzheimer’s. It’s a very difficult disease. I think, as time passes it’s more difficult for the caregiver then for the person who has Alzheimer’s (this may not be true for everyone, I can only speak for myself. In spite of all the ongoing difficulties, mom and I, actually get along better now than we ever have; she is no longer the angry person that she used to be. I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s on anyone, but I can honestly say, it’s given us the time to become close. I introduce myself to her every day like she’s meeting me for the first time. the vast majority of the time, she’s very pleasant and easy to assist; and of course, there are those times, due to Alzheimer’s, when she is stubborn and combative, but those times are increasingly rare. The person who was so mean and unfair to me, no longer exists, making caring for mom possible, and even rewarding.
If day-to-day dealings are triggering emotional upheavals for you, it would probably be better to have your parent placed into residential care. Then, you can direct his/her care through the administration and doctors instead of dealing with the day-to-day emotional stresses.
Incredible kindness and thoughtful responses in this thread. Such strength in the face of real harm, it takes my breath away. What an amazing forum this is. Best of luck to you OP, I hope you focus on care for yourself. You deserve that.
You need to take care of yourself. There are other options for your father. Please hand over the daily caregiving to someone else . Look into independent or assisted living for your father . Tell him you have to go back to work and he needs to live where he has help available . Do not move in with him or have him move in with you , it can make it more difficult to get him out of the house and into a facility ( if he is refusing ). If he refuses either payed help to come to his house or to go to a facility you call your local agency of aging for a social worker to come assess his needs and help facilitate moving to a facility. If that is not successful , call APS for a vulnerable elder. I could not get my mother to leave , social worker told me to stop doing things for her . Told me to let her fail at daily living so she can get placed in a facility. If your Dad ends up in the ER or hospital tell them you can’t care for him anymore. Have the social worker help place him in a facility from the hospital. Do not pick him up and take him home again. Please take care of your own needs .
Both my parents are in dementia states. There is not even any support from one or the other , in my case, because they both are needy.
My folks did the best they could with what they knew to do. Now they know nothing. Not being able to think is huge. For me it's hard to watch no matter how crappy they were as parents. Never really wanted for anything growing up other than the normalcy that one sees after one learns that growing up was dysfunctional.
Quite a deal.
You inherit it if you wish. Its your choice to drag it around or dump it and stand up for yourself.
I never signed up for this caregiver thing but here I am. Trying to navigate the waters, getting POA S in place, outside caregivers, primary care physicians, etc. Elder care and dementia snuck up and no one ever thought it would be. It was never discussed. Just where the Will is after Death That was it.
So if my parent gets snarky at all I just leave. I ask why do you have to be like that? and leave. I did not choose them as parents. Im a product of their pairing. Might seem like a selfish way to look at it but when one grows up in a dysfunctional family and are now faced with ageing parents still caught in their dysfunction and demented as well? One must protect the inner child.
Get the things in place for them if you wish and come what may.
While I resented her at times, I did love her. And, now I was in charge, I called the shots, and being in control was therapeutic for me. Also, I inherited everything she owned after her death while I had ensured she had no debt.
I am free now. I have no guilt or obligations to anyone, and my "favored" older siblings got no inheritance because they did nothing for her in her final years. Lucky for them, I am not selfish and I did share some cash inheritance out of good will. I am free!
Reach out to all the aging care agencies for references and help.
A stressful childhood can weaken your immune system, if you add a stressful adulthood that’s a one two punch you don’t want.
Psychotherapy can help a victim walk backwards and look at their upbringings from an adult's perspective. Victims can choose whether or not to forgive those who abused them for some sick gratification: letting go of the pain can bring great relief and free an imprisoned soul. Victims must be very aware of their rights to offer their support from a distance, perhaps by advocating rather than caretaking.
Work with a therapist to set your boundaries of self protection and don't forfeit them. Please consider attending a wellness retreat where they teach Mindfulness Meditation................you are worth the investment!
I was both neglected and physically abused by my mother when I was a child. It really was nothing personal (it wasn't ME she ignored or hit, it was just that obnoxious thing that stole time and money from the children she actually wanted), she just had a 3rd child she did not want too soon after having the 2 children that she did want. I tried to earn her love for more than 8 years before I figured out that it was a waste of time, left home as soon as I was 18. Moved 3,000 miles away.
But that was not the end. After years of therapy I learned that I needed to come to an understanding and get some peace about my unfortunate non-childhood. Guided by various therapists I reconnected with my family and made friends with some of them.
I did help care for my mother in some rather minor ways, but I committed to nothing that made me uncomfortable and spent little time in her home. I ran errands and took my mother to lunch once a week. We did develop an adult friendship of sorts and I learned to appreciate some of her better attributes. I learned to understand her rejection of my birth, my existence. That does not mean that the memories no longer hurt. It means that I also understood her hurt and her frustration at having a 3rd, then a 4th, then a 5th child when there simply were no resources for more than the 2 children that she actually wanted. The '50's were a cruel time for poor women.
If you are already dealing with anxiety and depression, I hope you have the resources for good therapists. They can help you a lot. You need to deal with yourself and your own problems first. Make good friends where you find them, they can also help you. I found they were especially helpful in taking my mind off my own problems. Helping someone else do something for the pure pleasure of doing it is amazing medicine for anxiety and depression. I know this from experience.
As for your mother, is there someone else who is her primary caregiver? I doubt that it is possible for you to play that role, given your own needs. If that role has been forced on you, refuse it. You will do no good for you or your mother. Such forced "care" would not be either "caring" nor helpful. You would simply amplify the hard feelings that are already there. If necessary, contact state authorities and tell them your mother needs a case worker.
If you are not the primary caregiver, good. Try to do what I did and accept only what you can feel good about doing. If you can visit her once a week (or two weeks) and take her a small gift, that is something that could cheer her up and might make you feel good too. If that is too much, and you really do not want to see her, then send her a card now and then. Why do anything at all? So that you give yourself a chance to extend some peace toward her, giving yourself a chance to heal a little bit. Whatever small thing you can do, do it only if you feel like it. Do nothing for a time if that is what you can deal with. Just watch that you are not looking for revenge or payback. That would hurt you more than help you. Whatever you do, do it for your own part in healing yourself. The relationship with your mother is part of you that is deeply wounded, but any small bit of healing will make all the rest of your sense of yourself feel stronger and more peaceful.
Above all, love yourself, care for yourself, and know that there are many of us who share your pain and know that you, too, can survive this and become the strong and capable person that you are meant to be. You deserve to be able to know and love yourself and to be in charge of all your relationships. You can do this.
APS is always an option if it gets to much.
(warning emotional)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyqcqjwHcis
Thank you for posting this link. Powerful, and really has me thinking today.
If he refuses either payed help to come to his house or to go to a facility you call your local agency of aging for a social worker to come assess his needs and help facilitate moving to a facility.
If that is not successful , call APS for a vulnerable elder.
I could not get my mother to leave , social worker told me to stop doing things for her . Told me to let her fail at daily living so she can get placed in a facility. If your Dad ends up in the ER or hospital tell them you can’t care for him anymore. Have the social worker help place him in a facility from the hospital. Do not pick him up and take him home again.
Please take care of your own needs .