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Sweetie, you are kind, caring, and being taken advantage of. At 27 you need to be working and planning for your life after grandma. It will be hard to take that step, but you have to do it. With your grandmother making so little she should be eligible for social services that should help in bringing in a caregiver.
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Asking the question is a pretty good clue that you have reached your limit and beyond. You may have gotten into the habit of care taking in exchange for food and a place to live, but it is time to extricate yourself from your own dependency on this arrangement. You may feel trapped b/c it does not sound like you are in a position to move out and support yourself. You need to train and prepare for employment other than taking care of the next sick relative or you will always be at the mercy of limited resources.
Research what care is available to your grandmother on her own funds. If she qualifies for Medicaid, it may mean placement in a Medicaid facility. When you find out her options, tell your grandmother you are moving out and she can choose to go to a facility or to hire in home care.
What are you left with if your grandmother dies? No more of grandmother's retirement or social security money. Will you move from care taking your grandmother to care taking your father? You are going to need to support yourself or remain in your current dependent situation forever.
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It sounds to me that other posters have it spot on. The time for your 20s is learning to function as an independent adult, getting a job, making relationships, paying rent, taking care of yourself, getting an education perhaps. It is not a time meant for caregiving.
Your elders need to enter the long term care system now if it is only you caring for them.
I think on some level you know that you are missing out on what is the "norm". It could have very damaging results. You describe yourself as big-heartted; I am certain that is your visiion of yourself, but I would describe you as misguided, with a family who doesn't seem to care much about Grandma OR about you.
Let them know you will be getting a job now and moving out into your own life. It is up to them to take POA and care for grandma's needs.
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God bless you for the caregiving you’ve selflessly provided. I’m sorry your family has taken such huge advantage of your kindness. You’ve been tremendously used and set back in your own life. Please inform the family that you’re getting a job now and will be moving out as soon as possible. It’s definitely time to make your own life, without guilt or trying to justify. Don’t listen to any talk of nursing home or anything designed to make you feel badly. This whole situation has been so completely unfair to you. Hope you’ll return here and let us know the positive changes you’ve made, I wish you the best
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
as far as i understand, OP is the one who doesn't want the grandmother to go to a facility. i have the impression no one is guilting OP to feel this way, it's just the way OP feels.

but OP --
no job/no money, this can destroy your life/future.
as many have advised you OP: save your life.
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Dennis, I don't read anything in your profile that indicates why grandma can't be left alone.

Perhaps she is use to having a step and fetch boy and has everyone convinced that she cannot do anything for herself. I don't know.

What I do know is that there are many work from home opportunities for anyone willing to work.

So you have to decide if you are just going to sit there making excuses why you can't work or are you going to put your big boy pants on and start doing something to secure your future.

It is totally your call. Time to make some adult decisions.
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You get a bike and a job.

Here’s why:
- You need to be planning your future because it’s not like you’re independently wealthy or inheriting a fortune
- a job will give you independence and reintroduce you to people your own age
- there are agencies that can help the elderly, esp if she is low income and the spouse of a veteran
- grandmother won’t change her attitude if she can bully you into status quo (and playing the guilt trip card is a form of bullying)
- a job will shift the focus from grandmother centric to family balance.

PS. If she plays the I’d rather die card again, you might have to call her bluff with “you’ve lived a good long life and wanting to die is your choice.” We often forget that dying is a natural consequence of living.

Good luck 🍀
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You may be big hearted but there is something else going on here.

The goal of grown-ups is to get a job or skill, and to set your sights on a goal. (ie; in health care, postal worker, electrician, plumber, barber, cement laborer, butcher, tailor, a supermarket clerk with the intention to become manager. Become an x-ray technician, a janitor with a fix-it skills, go to sea perhaps as a merchant marine, work for the railroad system, etc). The goal is to be independent perhaps to buy your own place under your own steam.

You question - How can I possibly come to the conclusion of when I've had enough and give up? 
Answer - You've already come to the conclusion buddy and you have my permission to split. Or stay and become the neighborhood crazy old guy.

What is really holding you back is fear of being on your own.

Don't let more time pass. If things go wrong you will recover. It you lose one job, you will recover. If you lose your bike, you will recover. You will not recover from the insidious sick situation YOU put yourself in. You think anyone will give you a reward for doing what your doing?

Get a job. Go on Craig's list and rent a room with a micorwave, a bed, a closet and a bathroom, and be proud of yourself. Many successful people men and women have started that way. Travel light down your path to start with. Just live with what you need and what will not be important to lose should that happen.

You are your family's patsy. If you are disabled in anyway find a social worker, seriously, and learn how to get on a steady path as have thousands of other challenged but functioning people.

TWENTY SEVEN is not so young any more. Run for you life.

Join the Peace Corps. Do something. Give yourself a deadline to get the heck out. You don't have to tell anyone in your family. It's not a bad thing. Where you are now is a bad thing. Guaranteed, guaranteed, someone will step up. You have been crippled by your family but mostly by yourself.

Btw, I don't believe this is for real. But I enjoy this since I like to exercise writing.

To continue...I have never met a 27 year old so beaten down. I have never met a 20, 21, 22, 23…year old that was so robbed of that natural spark of curiosity to discover, to experience, to be the captain of his own ship, unless your problems are more serious so there again find a social worker. Just go to a clinic or hospital that can at least direct you to help if they can't help.

In your post you wrote that you get a constant reminder of how hard your life is going to be after your G'ma ends up passing away. This tells me that in actuality you're under the delusion that you are taking care of her. She is in fact taking care of you. You're just an errand boy helping out.

Even if that is the case, you write too well to be so disabled. You need professional help.

Join the Peace Corps, do something. Get as healthy as you can. They are a disease in your life.
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
i agree with you MicheleDL.

i have the impression, OP is, unfortunately for OP, dependent financially on this situation.
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I am sorry to read your post. Caregiving is not easy for anyone, but I believe it is especially difficult when you are caring for a grandparent, when their own daughters are unable. It seems you have taken on a huge responsibility and have done it well.
I agree with others who have posted about having a family meeting. It’s time to call your mom and aunt (GM’s daughters) and tell them what’s going on. Between the 3 of you, and maybe include GM’s brother, have a family meeting. You need to say, I’ve done what I can, I’ve stayed and cared for GM for 7 years, it’s now time for you to step up and help. Maybe GM moves in with one of her daughters…. There’s a solution out there…. But as the grandson, it’s not you. You have done the most for the family, and it’s time they stepped up to help.
I know there are many programs, it’s time to start setting these up and your Aunt and Mom should be doing this.
Meal delivery, in home care, AL, and more. Adult day care is a good option too…
it’s time for you to step aside and start a life of your own.

I’ve always believed grandchildren are a blessing to their grandparents, not their caregivers. She has been very fortunate to have you in her life for the last 7 years. It’s time for her daughters to step up and do the right thing. I like the idea of telling everyone “your last day is July 1”. That gives them ample time to figure things out.

Take care… and good luck with your new life which I hope starts soon!
and don’t let guilt rule you or your emotions.
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
hug!

i'm just guessing here:

but i think OP, like many people:

if they step back, no one will step up.
that family meeting you rightly propose, deblib, i think probably already happened many times.

no one else is stepping up.
that's why OP is in this situation.

if OP steps back, the grandmother goes to a facility, and OP doesn't want that.
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If her income is that low I’d think you would qualify for some kind of state aid. My dad qualified for help from a seniors with disabilities agency here in my state. It paid for me to get respite care to come in part of the week for a few hours, counseling for me, educational activities I could attend and a certain amount toward equipment costs which I put toward a camera I could watch my dad from if I was outside for awhile. It’s not much but I’d start looking into what kind of help may be available where you live. Can you start my talking to your grandma’s doctor? Perhaps they could point you in the right direction. You need help and should not be carrying this burden alone. No one could blame you if you did walk away but perhaps if you reach out you will be able to do it in stages as you get more help for you for your grandma.
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Your heart is big and probably leading family members to do less. Sounds like your LO qualifies for Medicaid which can include an aide and respite care for you. Does she have a social worker assigned to her who can assist with getting you help?
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I'm sorry you're struggling in this way. I can very much relate. Some of the replies seem harsh. It seems like there are usually two basic types of replies on this forum:
"Honey that's hard, can you get a bit of respite? It sounds like you could really use support" OR.....
"Get out now while you still have the ability to do so, it's not your problem the elder needs care."

Unfortunately, solutions are not always feasible. And that's why we feel trapped, and why we reach out for support. There are lots of family nuances, unique limitations, and difficult dynamics that feel overwhelming when you are basically already at the lowest point in your life. There are often assumptions here that we haven't already tried EVERYTHING to get help, to self advocate, to improve our situations. Personally I have. Personally my family sucks.

I definitely sympathize with you. I hope you can find some relief and some joy....
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In my opinion you are too young to be saddled with this. At 70 with my mom in an assisted living..I feel burned out after 3 years and struggle with maintaining a personal life. It is so easy for people outside of this responsibility to not realize we care givers can schedule an activity, a day off or a “self care” day and then have our “ill” loved one appear to have an issue that is more important then what we scheduled for ourself. We are at the beck and call of the “ill” loved one. Unless you live this you can not truly understand we never get a day off. Our days off are filled with calls, making appointments, shopping for them and handling finances. It is our life. Please give this care to someone else and go have a life..
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Don’t want to pry, but Why can 72 yo grandma not stay at home alone for several hours during the day?
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KNance72 Mar 2022
Is she only 72 ?
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I'mI'mso sorry this is taking sucha till on you and VERY glad you reached out!
#1 Burn out happens when we aren't working and living in balance with our needs.
You need time alone. Time with peers. Activities that fill you up. Friends and fun and play.

#2. You can keep caring for your grandmother AND have a life outside your care giving role. But you need supporters and cheerleaders and teachers an mentors. It sounds like your family isn't providing that and its a sad statement on them.

#3. Find your County Senior Services. Call them. Make an appointment to sit and talk with a Care Coordinator. She might be eligible, since she doesn't have much money, for in home help. Even if she doesn't want people to come and help, you have to be firm about this with her while you get out and start building your life.
Explain to her this is how she can stay in her home!

Go, Good luck and Live your Life!
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I really feel for you. You are being used big time by your family. Maybe because you are quite vulnerable and not strong enough to stand up for yourself. But you only get one life. Your Grandma had lived most of hers, but you are still in the early years of yours. Please get help to get your Grandma looked after and start living your life. Get a job and start having some fun. If you don't you will be stuck the way you are until it's too late for you. You've done your bit so don't feel guilty. It's time for a big change!!!
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Hello, some of the comments may seem harsh, but I'm sure they are given with good intentions and based on truth and experience.

You obviously were drawn to help by your good heart, but now are worn out - hard for anyone at any age, let alone when you're supposed to be having a great and hopeful part of your life.

Listen to the suggestions and do what is right. You'll never regret that. And it is RIGHT to start letting grandma go - that's hard I know, but she is writing her final chapter. You can help her write it and feel good about that.

Because of your burdens, it's hard to see or plan your future. While you're going one day at a time, follow some of the suggestions to start moving into YOUR life and OUT of grandma's.

And please follow the advice about her finances and possible resources you don't know about. That could provide some relief. Start with Social Security and find out where those checks (if any) are going.

Praying for the best.
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Dennis, your life has gotten off track.

1. What were you doing when you were 20 and decided that taking care of your elder relatives was a good idea?

2. What kind of job would you like to have? Office work? Caring for folks work? Manual work? Think about work in broad categories for now.

3. Grandma needs care. This is grandma's problem, not yours. And if grandma no longer has the capacity to plan, then the planning falls on her children. Not you.

4. YOU need a plan for you. You start by calling a family meeting and you tell your family that you are done with caregiving as of July 1.

5. Even if it means living in a homeless shelter temporarily, you need to get OUT of this situation and ON with your life. I would start with your local social services office.
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DennisC94, I think these people might be able to help you make a practical plan:

https://apps.hhs.texas.gov/taketimetexas/about.html

It'll only be a first step, but at least it'll be in the right direction :) Hugs to you.
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Dear Dennis, this won’t be a nice post, but it might at least give you something different to think about.

You got yourself into this position because it was the easiest thing for you to do at the time. You are not a go-getter, you get pushed around by whoever decides you are an easier option. You have never stood up for yourself, and as a result no-one else involved has had to stand up for themselves and think about another option. The easiest thing for you was also the easiest thing for everyone else.

The best way out of this is ‘Easy Rider’. By a motorbike and head off into the blue yonder. Let the rest of the family sort their own way out. And even if currently you think you are indepespensable, the fact is that you aren’t.

When the rest of them have decided what to do, perhaps you come back. Perhaps you help in a way that works for them and for you too. But you stand up like a man (or just like any adult), make your own decisions, and don’t get pushed into a corner of a very nasty cell.
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Hi, Dennis. I am sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult spot. Your family sounds very dysfunctional. YOU sound not only very compassionate and conscientious, but smart, too. I bet there are a lot of bosses out there that would love to give you a chance!

If you’ve truly had your fill of this situation, I would start making plans to escape, almost in the way that an abused wife or someone trapped in a cult would do. For example, start setting cash aside in a place only you know about. Find and store helpful phone numbers (homeless shelter? Local Salvation Army? County department of Health and Human Services?) in your phone. Etc.

When you’re out, you can call your aunt and advise her that you will no longer be providing care to grandma.

Best wishes to you, whatever you decide to do. Keep us updated. 😊
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KristineB Mar 2022
He’s not getting paid so how can he stash cash?
He should have journaled his hours to keep track of any payment he should get, if there is a SS check being deposited.
Family devoting their life to grandma’s needs, deserves compensation as any outside caregiver would receive.
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I'm so sorry that you are put in this situation. I'm sure your grandmother doesn't like that she's in that situation and having you involved in her care. Remember you are her only choice. She appreciates you and depends on you. You say she only has a small pension, but she must also have a social security check that you might not be aware of. It might be in a direct deposit to her bank. You need to realize this is only for a season. It won't be long now. I suggest you ask the Lord for strength, patience, and guidance to help you with what you are going through. I took care of my mother as she went through her cancer and passed young, and then I took care of my dad and he lived to be 93 with good health and later passed of natural cause. Like I said it's only for a season. At the time I was going through it I didn't understand my parents needs. I guess I sort of did it with an attitude of reluctance as I was also caring for my own family trying to meet their needs as well as going to school. I could have given my parents better care had I known what I know now. I have many regrets now. I wished I had made different choices at the time. Now that I've aged I have a different perspective and see things different. I am so glad I was their for my parents. I am now a care giver for my husband who has health issues. I also realize that I won't have a family member to care for me when the time comes. It'll have to come from a stranger. Remember it's only for a season. You do it out of love for them. Put yourself in their situation. You are loved and appreciated! You are a great person and have a big heart! Try to take a break though. The Lord sees what you are doing. Most importantly is, it's for a season. Then you'll see it all hindsight. In the meantime you need to take a break too. Find something pleasurable to do in between. eg; Socialize, Church, movie theater, walks, mall, friend, anything to take a breather. You'll be surprised you might even find help in church with the church family there. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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lealonnie1 Mar 2022
He's not her only option, not by any means! Grandma has a daughter! And what is "a season" you keep mentioning?? This young man has been caregiving 7+ years which computes to 28+ seasons already and grandma is only 72! Give this guy a break, he's in the prime of his life NOW and that "season" is slipping by quickly.
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I dropped out of college or 1 semester to take care of my grandparents after my grandmother had a stroke. I then went back to classes alternating care for them with my Mom. We both drove 8 hours 1 way and I was there Friday PM through Monday AM and Mom came in Monday PM and left Friday AM. My grades started to decline so I just sat everyone down and said I can't do this anymore. We moved Grandma to a nursing home until Grandpa began to decline and then my Mom moved them both to live in the town she lived in. It wasn't an easy time and it was hard on my grandparents/Mom and myself.

I would suggest you sit down with your family, including Grandma, and just explain you have put your life on hold for years. You are now going to begin taking your life back.

Have a plan in place. You obviously have internet access so contact social services in your area and see what you might qualify for, even short term. They may pay for a few months rent and some food stamps. Apply on line for jobs you are interested in/qualified for. If the town you live in has local bus service you could ride to/from work. If not, see if you could get a job working with special needs kids and you might be able to ride the school bus to/from school. You could see if you can get an apt close to where you find work at and walk to work. Once you are working you can save for a car, better housing, additional schooling, etc. You could even work a full and part-time job to get money faster. I would suggest you find a church and begin attending when you are on your own. Not only will it be pleasing to God, you will find good fellowship there and good community connections. Our church has taken money collections for families who fall on hard times to help them get by for a month or two. Church members also take food to those families and they aren't made to feel needy or bad.

Explain all of this to your family at your sit down meeting. Give them a deadline of when you will be moving example: 2 weeks (most places will allow you to give 2 weeks notice to your previous job - which is what caring for Grandma is). There will be blowback and it will most likely be very difficult with raised voices/tears/blame placed on you. It sounds as though family has been taking advantage of you for a long time. That has relieved them of the honor and burden of caring for Grandma. Leave it up to them what happens next: assisted living facility/nursing home, one of them takes over or shares the burden or Grandma tries to live on her own. Let Grandma know you still love her and when you get a vehicle you will visit her. Make sure she knows you will call when you can as well.

Leaving is going to take a tremendous amount of strength on your part. If you do get out - do not allow them to guilt you back to the same situation. Grandma lived her life fully - you have the right to do the same. Don't allow your mind to guilt yourself either.
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Serenityy Mar 2022
This is a great response. I would also add, look on craigslist in the free section, or freecycle or the like and see if you could get yourself a bicycle (and helmet) and a cheap bike lock from Walmart. This would give you some sort of transportation to get around locally to look for jobs, etc. There are so many opportunities out there, but you have to really WANT it. You can't just complain and expect things to change, you have to take action. Trust me, if you leave, and let everyone know, they will make arrangements. You need to enjoy your life RIGHT NOW! 27 is such a great age, and you could get out there and meet some great people, but the hardest part is STARTING!
The Longest Journey begins with a Single Step! Please have the courage to make that first step, and remove yourself from this situation.
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As others have said, you need to have a life plan that starts with figuring out what you want, regardless of anyone else. You are letting others determine not only what you do, but your entire future. Now is the time you should be enjoying life, building a financial future, and possibly your own family. You will never be able to do that if you stay in your current position.

I think the only option you have is to move out and make a future for yourself. You will need to think of yourself and not your grandmother (or anyone else). Your Grandmother does have other options, but if you don't do something now, you won't.

Good luck, it will be difficult but worth it.
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In reading your op, I thought of the 1960 Twilight Zone called Long Distance Call. Grandma and grandson had a relationship that Gma kept drawing out until the grandson almost drowned himself. It is an allegory, but please please don’t let this person ruin your life.

You are in the most fruitful period in your life, a time where people all want people your age for work and network opps. A time when people date each other without baggage. It may not feel like it if you leave, but these next few years could determine your future for a lifetime.
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Grandma is way way WAY too young not to be able to be left alone, as you say. What's her disease or situation that she's been in need of a 24/7 caregiver such as you since she was 65 years old???? You don't have money, a job, or a car, so in reality, YOU are beholden to HER for food and a roof over your head, it seems to me. That's not said to be snarky......just as a statement. How can you move out if you have no job, no money & no car?

At 72, which is not 'elderly' by today's standards by the way, grandma can easily live another 2+ DECADES! Which would make you 50+ years old at the end of her life.

You can always call your aunt and tell her you're giving 2 weeks notice and quitting this job you've been given caring for grandma that you never wanted to begin with. The 'grandma' who has an awful lot of nerve telling you she'd rather 'die than go into a nursing home' making you her indentured servant, which is beyond selfish and egocentric. And your 'aunt' who 'gave up' and walked out on her mother, leaving you to care for a woman and house that's falling apart, with no homeowner's insurance to boot, on an SSI check of $700 to support 2 people.

I'd suggest you give that 2 weeks notice to your aunt and move out, but where would you go and how would you get there, and once you did, how would you support yourself? If you REALLY want to get out of this situation, you need a solid plan. Ask dad to help you get a drivers license if you don't already have one, a car, a part time job for starters, and that way, you'll know what it's like to support yourself, have your own money, your own car and a bit of your own life. Or, perhaps dad will let you move in with him? Because right now, you're sequestered in a house alone with a woman who's bamboozling you into servitude for what sounds like no good reason.
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Dennis
So when GM is gone, your home is gone too?
Look up DETCOG in your county. Look for the Area Agency on Aging.
They have the ability to do a needs assessment for GM to see if she would qualify for assistance in the home. Sometimes they are able to provide a few hours of care for GM and they might even be able to hire you to do the care. It might be worth checking out, either for you to get a part time job during those hours or make a few dollars. There is also information on the transportation available for your area for medical appointments on the DETCOG website.
She might qualify for Meals on Wheels or Adult Day Care if that is available in the area.
‘The bio for GM does not list dementia. If she doesn’t have dementia she can change the POA (if she has one) to someone more local that might actually take an interest in her life. If you think she would want you to be her POA then discuss this with the case manager to determine if you would want the responsibility. Someone needs to do it for GM and she is the one who decides who she wants to represent her.
Good luck and let us know what you find out.
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Thanks for clarifying that it's not your paternal grandmother.

This seems to be an issue for previous generations that is bleeding onto you. Youro grandmother and her brother are fighting over the house, your aunt knowingly tricked you into this servitude situation (where are HER kids?? Do you have maternal cousins?), and now you the next generation is suffering the ill-effects.

If you continue doing what you are doing now, nothing will change. So WHAT if granny doesn't want to go to a NH? That's for her and her daughter (your aunt) to discuss -- YOU are not the solution anymore.

When push comes to shove, WILL you do something to change your situation, do you think? Can't you live with one of your parents until you can save up enough money to move out on your own? Surely your father sees how abusive the current situation is to you?
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I feel for you!!

One way:

Imagine you’re 20 years older. What would that future-self say to you right now?

In your gut right now, you probably have several ideas/solutions (comes down to: maintain status quo vs. make a small change vs. make a huge change in your life).

I’m the type of person who likes to make huge changes in my life. If I don’t like my situation, I radically change it.
(That’s just my approach).

Hugs to you!!
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Does your GM own her home? Who pays the taxes and insurance? Does anyone have a POA for GM?

Oh my. GM is only 72! That’s not old. I doubt seriously that your GM would qualify for a NH. Nor is 63 old for your dad.
Who is old to be living at home and not working is you Dennis!

I am glad you are looking for a way out. Would your dad give you a ride If you could find a job?
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DennisC94 Mar 2022
My grandmother is homesteading my grandfather (her dad's house) because it is in probate because her brother wants the house for himself but cannot take it as long as my grandmother is alive. And no we don't have any home insurance because we can't even afford the basics let alone anything like that.

And trust me I wish I had a job more so than anything and if there was a way I would have already jumped on the opportunity to do so, my father can't viably take me to and from work due to him living 30 miles from me and he is retired and doesn't make much either, plus I can't leave my grandmother home alone by herself so even if I did, i have no one who would watch over her while I work anyhow.

And im pretty sure my aunt that practically abandoned us in this situation has POA for my grandmother,
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What is the matter with your aunt and father, that they think taking care of your grandmother (THEIR mother) is YOUR responsibility? And your grandmother is part of the manipulation going on here, since she reminds you that she would rather die than go to a facility.

I'm also curious as to how this caregiving situation was originally set up, why you agreed to it, etc.

Let's look into a crystal ball at your future, shall we? You can bet that your aunt and your father figure you will be THEIR caregiver when their turn comes.

Do you want that? No? Then let us help you figure out some steps to get you out of your grandmother's house ASAP and living YOUR life as you want it, not as your family wants it as a 24/7/365 caregiver slave.

And don't be concerned about losing relationships along the way. The way your family has abused you shows you what kind of value they place on you.
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DennisC94 Mar 2022
While I understand the view point on my aunt, my father isn't related as it is my mother's mom and they have been divorced since i was 3 years old, so honestly he has no reason to be involved other than i am his son.

But I agree having this all pushed onto me has caused a ton of issues both mentally and physically, when i first agreed to stay here and take care of my grandmother I was under the impression i was only doing so until my aunt found her a assisted living situation or something along the line, but as i said after a year she stopped even coming around or helping in any way. And my mother if she could help she would, but she is financially unstable since she has lupus and other medical issues, besides the fact that she lives a hour and a half away at the same time.

Its just a sh*t situation to have to deal with on my own, and I don't know how to deal with it, without giving up and having my grandmother end up in a nursing home which I don't want to do just with the fact that the ones around where I live are so bad in general and most the people i've known that have ended up there didn't live much longer in most cases once going there. I love my family and probably care too much, except for certain ones that i've had no choice but to avoid. Just don't know what to do to be honest
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