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I've been caring full time for my 93 year old mom who has severe short term memory loss and very poor eyesight due to macular degeneration. My alcoholic brother lives at home rent free but does work. Yet he offers little in the way of direct help. He recently received a DUI as well. He is in debt up to his ears as well. two other brothers live in other states. They are somewhat supportive and understand the stress I'm under but that's about it.


I've "snapped" several times from the lonelieness and stress. I do see a counselor and that does help.


I am currently looking into placing my mom in a nursing home even though she and my brothers don't want that. Near full time in home help is an option but that would still involve me doing some of the caregiving.


I've not worked in six years. I'm 59 and need to get back to work. I need my life back.

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Face it. You’ve had it. If they don’t like it send Mum to one of your brothers
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First of all, anyone who doesn’t help has no say. You are doing all the caregiving. I agree that you need to get back to work. Maybe you can work part time to get a start for yourself & hire private pay caregiver on those days you work? Or, Are you leaning towards ALF or SNF? In ALF, patient has to be able to help oneself somewhat. My mother, 92 yo for example, would never be able to be accepted into ALF because she needs help with everything. Dementia & completely immobile. Burnt out caregivers have to get some sort of respite. I share hours with paid private aide. My mother gets very abusive & it can be physical or verbal. It just has to be ignored but it does wear one down since I’m human & have feelings too. Sometimes I just feel like I am a robot & doing caregiving chores & just trying to get through it without cracking up. It’s hard because my mother & I went on vacations together & was inseparable after my Dad died. She was never abusive to my brother or me before dementia. She was excellent mother...& took care of my Dad when he was sick & when my Grandparents needed help too. Let us know what you decide. Hugs 🤗
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it doesn’t matter what your brothers want. They aren’t taking care of her and apparently have no intention of moving back home to take care of her so forget about what they want. It doesn’t matter. They have no say in this.
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Heres the deal, mom isn't going to want to go, but she needs a village and you are not one. Brothers that don't help, don't have a say. That's the rules, boots on the ground caregiver makes the decisions because they know the reality of the situation.

Have you had a needs assessment done on mom? She can't just go to a NH. They require that a professional says that she needs a NH. That is your first step to getting her placed.

Next step is finding a facility that will take good care of her and offer her support and activities to enjoy.

There are some really nice facilities and if she can afford one, she is blessed. Most of them will let you come tour and have a meal, either free or discounted. I personally wish I could eat at the one around the corner everyday, they have home cooked, superior quality and great selection. It's not as bad as so many people believe.

Do your research and put your foot down about continuing to be the only one that is caring for her.
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brad60 Jul 31, 2019
Thanks for your reply.
I toured a assisted living place today. She would need an assessment to see if she would qualify living at that level of care. He poor eyesight and short term memory loss might disqualify her. The next care level would be
full care.

My big mistake has been thinking the family would come together and make the right decision. That has not been the case. My view of family has changed forever.
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Yes. You know what you need to do it. You will do it as gently as you are able but you need to do it. It is well time. You can only do so much. You are a human. Eventually everything is about loss, and how much grace and decency it can be faced with. So very sorry. For me, with my brother, I knew it could never be in home and hands on. I can visit and I can do the POAs and I can be there for what I am able. I know my limitations. I am honest. It is worth grieving over and feeling bad about. It is not worth sacrificing your entire life.
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In no way should you continue this arrangement unless you had aspirations of being a professional caretaker. If your mother and siblings want her to have free, full-time in-home help let THEM start to provide it. Do you live in your mom's house or she in yours? If they are in your house, it will be tricky to get them out, but out they must go. If you live with her, kindly submit your resignation including a "last day" and don't budge on it. Tell them after you have a long respite to rediscover yourself and get your life back on track, you will be more able to provide some other type of help, of your own choosing.
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brad60 Jul 30, 2019
I live in the house I grew up in. It's my mom's house.

It's coming close to me just taking a walk. I have a dog and four cats though and no job lined up. It would be very uphill for me. I have about eight thousand in savings and a stock I could cash in to help me start out afresh. I don't want to do it this way. But I may have to. I'd rather everyone agreed she go into a nursing home. She can afford it at this point. If I do take a walk, I want to be done with my brothers for a long time. My mom, however, I do love and care about and would stay in touch.

It's a mess. I do appreciate the response and feedback. I do feel less alone
when I hear from others out there.
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Hang in there, the caretaking journey is a tough one. I tend to have a vicious cycle of the good and bad. One day feels like everything is going good "I got this no big deal bring on the issues" the next " I can't take this s**t anymore why don't you suck the life out of me". I have been caretaking for over a year 24/7 there is going to be ups and downs. I found this forum last week, I have found it therapeutic to read questions and articles from other people going through the same things I am. It adds unneeded stress with your brother's drinking problem. I think it is a great start for you to post here.
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brad60 Jul 30, 2019
Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate it.

Yes, I agree that the caregiving journey does often feel like a vicious cycle.
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