How do you deal with aging parent who refuses to take a stand?

It sounds like Mom has plenty of issues of her own. You may need to look at a guardianship if you think she's endangering your father's health. Might be time to get her to a doctor for an evaluation, because she shouldn't have pulled him from memory care.

Can she move in with him there? My mother's MC has a married couple where the husband doesn't have memory issues but the wife does. (He's got plenty of issues anyway and certainly needs to be somewhere.)

The driving issue is enormous. If he crashes and kills someone, they could lose everything. Does anyone in the family have Power of Attorney (POA)?

Not giving him his meds is tough, because it's so much easier to fight someone you love than it is to fight a nurse at MC. My mother didn't fight my dad over her meds, but she'd only take them by putting them in the palm of her hand and she'd usually drop one of two pills trying to put them in her mouth. Now that she's in MC, she's in much better shape due to getting her meds consistently and on time.

I'd check with an elder law attorney and Mom's doctor to see what can be done.

It seems like I've spent my whole life trying to 'fix' things for my parents, who, never wanted me to fix ANYTHING for them, except in a few instances. My mother treated my father like crap, he took it, his fault. Me trying to step in to force him to take a stand would not have worked. When they lived together in Assisted Living, she did everything in her power to avoid asking for help, put herself in danger a lot, wound up falling a lot, and never getting him the help he needed and was paying for. He passed away in 2015 and she's in the same ALF, now in the Memory Care bldg. She wants me to have NO say in her life at ALL, unless of course she needs something, so I've backed off entirely. If there's a problem, I'll be called. Bad news travels fast.

Leave your parents alone to fight their own battles. If your father winds up getting hospitalized because of your mother's negligence, they will likely want to send him to rehab to recuperate. And then, rehab may want him to STAY in their long term care facility section which your mother will have no say over.

That's what you 'do'. Nothing. Let them fight their own battles and just be there to pick up the pieces once they shatter. Sad but true.

Best of luck

Put him in memory care & her in assisted living facility..can be same building and different floor! He will kill someone if he’s still driving.
hugs 🤗

I think if Mom doesn't have dementia, I would leave this be. She is the one who got him out and it is likely she is happier with him home than with him gone. Was it ever a lot different for them? I mean, were they prior to all this illness completely peaceable? Or had there always been this sort of back and forth with which they are comfortable, no matter it disturbs you.
I think for most people it would be completely cost prohibitive, but I have seen a few instances where elders were in smaller board and cares where there were five to seven patients, and where each had their own room but spent most of their time together.
I don't really have a clue otherwise. I do know I would not separate them if I could come up with any other option. Again, she WAS the one who went to get him out.

If you feel he is in danger, you could go for guardianship and have him placed in a facility. She would NOT be able to "pull" him out if you are guardian. Otherwise, what choice do you have? She is his spouse, and unless she is Dxed with cognitive issues, she has control, unless someone takes over as guardian.

thank you all! it does confirm that we have no choice and it is just our guilt and issue vs thiers. Its just hard to watch it. We will work on the driving issue and leave the rest be.

If mom is competent and doesn’t have dementia, then she calls the shots. Her husband, her decisions. Don’t come between them. It’s between husband and wife and she is his caretaker.

What a disturbing situation! The driving is what concerns me more than the living arrangements.

I was fortunate that my parents graciously gave up driving when the doctor told them to.

Good luck. You may not be able to do anything to make things better.