How do you deal with a mother that lives with you and your husband, hates him and makes up lies about elder abuse? I can’t take it anymore.

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She hates my husband. She makes up lies that he wants her and I take his side. She is now threatening to file elder abuse against both of us.


I think she is in the beginning stages of dementia and she takes too much medication. I need to know what our rights are (hubby and I).

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It sounds to me as though you need to find her another place to live. Having anyone live in your home who hates your spouse and badmouths him is a recipe for disaster. She's clearly not happy there and I can't imagine your husband is either. You may have entered into this arrangement in good faith and with high hopes, but it clearly isn't working.
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Reply to CarlaCB
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Thank you all for your words. She will be 79 next month. I appreciate the advice and plan on taking action.
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Reply to Serenity2018
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Maybe her Meds need to be checked to see if some of the problem is interaction of meds.

Rights? First, hope you have POAs. Makes things easier. If Mom has money maybe a nice AL. Some need 2 yrs of private pay and then will allow you to use Medicaid. If no money, it would be a Nursing Home on Medicaid. I believe our responsibility to our parents is to make sure they are safe, fed and clean. If that means a care facility. Its not fair to your husband to be living with someone who doesn't like him.

First, get Mom evaluated. Blood tests ect.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Does she live with you or you with her? Can you put her into a facility? Take her to a different doctor regarding her medications and find out if she is over medicated. Sounds like she needs to see a doctor and be diagnosed to find out if she has dementia or alzheimer's. This is not an easy path. My mother is 91 and May16th had a colon cancer resection, rehab, c-diff and she recuperated from all of that and is now home under the care of me and my brother. I am 71 years old and my brother is 62. Neither of us are married or have children. Her grandchildren and other two sons never visit. It is all on us. She does not have mental issues but she is very demanding and it is exhausting and stressful for me. I feel like I am the one being abused - sounds like you all are too with your mother threatening you. And when I tell my mother something she doesn't like she says I am being mean, which is nonsense. She has home healthcare and PT a couple of times a week but they really cannot do much. Sorry to ramble. You should probably try and have your mother seen by a doctor. How old is she??? She might qualify for somekind of help. Good luck....
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Reply to ywow47
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Your rights are to find placement in a facility for her before she ruins your marriage. Can you imagine how your husband must feel, deep down, having to come home to this after a day at work? Even if he tells you he understands, he doesn’t.

It sounds like she’s farther along than you think she is on the dementia journey, in addition to what sounds like a drug addiction issue. At some point, she could lose control and physically attack your husband or you. My mother became combative and violent when she had a UTI. And, if as you say, she hates your husband and is in fear he will attack her sexually, attacking him first is a real possibility. Between the dementia and the drugs, who knows where her mind is.

She needs to be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. If she truly goes off the wall, you may need to have her Baker Acted. She will go to a psychiatric facility for evaluation and a treatment plan will be put in place.

If if I were you, I wouldn’t wait for this to get better or go away. It won’t.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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