I have Lupus and just can't extend myself any further.

I suppose people HINT for various reasons; shyness, embarrassment, shame, pride, fear of rejection. It's not evil, just annoying.

It also puts the task onto you more than it needs to. By first figuring out what the request actually is. Once the words are out of your mouth, it becomes like YOUR suggestion too - harder to say no

Clear communication would be better.

Eg 1. What are you doing Wednesday? Would you be finished that by 2? It's hard for me to get to my Podiatrist, it's right near your house.

Eg 2. I have a Podiatrist apt on Wednesday. Any chance you could drive me? If not, no worries, I'll ask someone else or take a taxi.

You can't make you friend change her ways overnight. But maybe try to re-phrase her hint back to her as a simple question? 'Are you asking me to drive you to your appointment?' Wait for her to acknowledge if correct or not. Then you can state whatever your answer is with honesty. 'Yes I can this week, but not ongoing'. Or 'No, I can't'. Your friend may really benefit from a good chat with an eldercare service about what is available.

PS don't get sucked in with 'but I prefer you to strangers'.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Beatty

I agree. Play dumb until she comes right out and asks. Then politely decline.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lkdrymom

Radio host Dr Joy Brown used to tell people to be "cheerful and stupid" and I think this would be a good time to use that advice, just be warmly sympathetic and wilfully blind to her hints. In my experience people like this like to pretend they've never asked for anything so they have no need to feel beholden for "gifts" freely given, step away and let some other sucker fall for that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to cwillie
Beatty Aug 16, 2020
*Cheerful and stupid*

Oh I like this very much! Thanks so much

If they want it, they will learn to ASK not HINT.
Our Office of Aging puts out a nice booklet of services they provide. One is a Senior/disability bus. This bus can take you to local appts and shopping. There is a small fee.

If she can't shop, the one good thing about the Virus is stores are more susceptible to doing your shopping for you and delivering. And there are loads of on line sites that send food to you. Most Churches have food closets to help stretch that dollar. In my area, they have a drive in food distribution center. Fresh fruit and veggies are given. Thru the United way, there is government food.

If she needs help with her care, there is in home Medicaid if she qualifies. They also offer transportation. Medicaid pays for adult diapers. She maybe able to get an aide from Office of Aging.

Of course, with COVID it may make things a little harder. But you could get the info together. Then tell her that with your Lupus you cannot do as much as you would like for her but you found some resources she maybe able to use. Then its all up to her.

I have a friend who could have taken advantage of a number of resources in our area. Would have made her life so much easier with the health problems she has. But, she was too proud to take advantage of them or there was always a reason why it wouldn't work. Well now she is in a NH, in one room because of COVID at the age of 71. One reason, her only family are her sons, one estraged the other 2 hrs away, and neither want to care for her. She could not be released because no one to care for her in her apt. So, she lost everything and will be in a NH till she dies.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29

Dear "vlrms20,"

It's hard when someone throws out "hints" when they need or want something. It would be easier to say to her what "AlvaDeer" mentioned if your friend would just ask you outright. It's the hinting around that makes the situation uncomfortable and harder to answer a "hint" rather than a "question."

With the little information you provided, I'm wondering if what she's asking for is
"legit" or is she trying to get attention? If it is legit and depending on what it is, if you know of a website pertaining to her situation you could offer her that as an option. Then the next time you talk, either when she says something again about it or you ask her if the website helped, you'd have an idea if she is serious about helping herself or if she is looking for someone else to do the work. Like I said, it's hard to answer not knowing what she's hinting at.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NobodyGetsIt

Please ask her to ask her doctor to give her a list of resources available to her. If she asks you directly to help tell her that you have Lupus and really have all you can do to take care of yourself; that you wish you could help but that you cannot. Ask her what she has tried in order to get herself more help, and suggest she speak with her medical providers.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer

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