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At 27 I have 2 ulcers and moved in with my husband and his mother about 7 months ago. My husband works and I am my MIL caretaker. She has medicine resistant epilepsy, diabetes and the beginning stages of Dimensia. She has been deemed by more then 3 doctors and professionals to not be able to make rational decisions for her life.

I make sure the bills are paid on time. Make phone calls on her behalf grading several lines of credit opened up under here name without her approval by her other son. Clean the house spotless because if it is not she will get upset.

I make all her meals, get her out for walks, play games with her, have semi rational discussions with hr and listen when she wants to talk. I help her with her memory by asking her about her child hood or what we did the day before. Accompany her to all her doctors appointments. Try to get her to shower.

I wake up at 5am, she does her coffee but sometimes she sets it wrong and it overflows on the counter, in which she thinks I have tampered with it. So I sit at the table and pretend to read then fix it when she leaves the room if need be. Make her breakfast at 8am. She does not need me to physically sit with her until the evening when her prime seizure hours are but I still check on her every half hour or so.

I know I am fortunate to be able to be in another room until about 4pm but I don't feel fortunate because I am always thinking about her. I leave the door open so I can hear her. If I get a feeling I just go out on check on her.

My only relief is at 9:30pm when she goes to bed and my husband is home but then I need to spend time with him!

Also, recently she has been having accidents at night and will not tell me. She is embarrassed, this is new for her. I try to approach it gently and tell her I understand this is embarrassing but you really need to tell me so I can help you. She just goes back to bed on the same sheets! Sometimes in the same clothes!

Now if feel I can't even sleep. I feel like I have let her down when she gets upset or when she doesn't tell me things.

I have 2 ulcers right now, I really should not be drinking coffee but sometimes it's the only thing keeping me going plus I love it. I am slowing down on it and trying to stop all together.

How do you distress?

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If it's legal in your state smoke pot. Just make sure it's the correct strain for anxiety then you will be happier. It does not lead to harder stuff as people seem to think.
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Ask her doctor if your MIL can tolerate a nicotine patch. If she says yes, get her on them right away. She should not be smoking! I assume you or your husband buy her cigarettes for her. Don't buy any more. Problem solved.

It sounds like MIL rules the roost and you're her servant. If your husband doesn't like being around his mother, why are you guys living with her? I don't get it. Is she paying the rent?

You didn't say how old your MIL is. I'm guessing early sixties. Saying she'll be dead in less than two years means she's bored, IMO, If she wants to play mini-golf and go bowling, have you asked her doctor if it's okay? Can you get her out of the house so you don't both go stir crazy?
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Nennie you are so young his mum must be young to have all this? My advice is get some respite asap or maybe you and your husband may need to think about a NH as this will get worse. You should be starting a family and enjoying your life with your husband i just hope he appreciates all youre doing for his mum!
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Oh and she doesn't always have a seizure after smoking just once in a while I think in the 7 months I've been with her she has had 4....
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She has greatly cut down on her cigerettes going from a pack a day to a pack every 3 days. We are working on quitting.

I don't know that I can get her away from coffee completely I can try.

The worst part is that she doesn't value her life or doesn't see the effect these things have on it even when the doctor explains it.

She told me just the other day that she would be dead in less then 2 years. That's was horrifying. I. Trying to enrich her life more so she can feel better about it without pushing her to do things.

She wants to play mini golf and go bowling, we are fearful because of her seizures but she needs to have a better value of her life. :/
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Nennie, if she seizes after smoking, for crying out loud, realize that nicotine is both a stimulant and a vasoconstrictor. Either take the coffee and cigarettes away or plan the funeral. My sister can't even drink a cola without effects.
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Country mouse,

Yes, two gastric ulcers. I didn't feel them for a while, I don't feel internal pain like others do but I was getting really sick and had a fever for a while so my husband insisted I see a doctor and that is how we found out through an ultrasound.

I have known my husband since middle school, so let's see 15 years now. We have been married only 8 months. Living together in an apartment we are all renting for 7 months. We all moved into a new place togetherness because of the issues with his brother.

Hope that helps.
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I do have POA.

I have tried quitting cold turkey it was horrible.

My husband and I do want children but we have discussed the fact that his mother is deteriorating and my fears. Also she is a smoker and I have to be with her in the evenings when she goes out for a smoke. I have had to carry her inside after a seizure, catching Her before she hits to concrete a couple of times.

I am worried about the stress I have everyday and being pregnant. It has caused tension between my husband and myself.

I am fairly happy with my life. My MIL hasn't become that abusive yet but she has her days. I try to read or write to escape.

I feel bad when I ask my husband to stay with her because he works so hard and when they are alone together tensions flair. But I think I am taking on too much and there needs to be more of a balance.

My husband does not like to go out. He doesn't like to be around people, I like to be around people lol. I think I just need to lay down the law with him and insist he give me some time off here and there otherwise it is my health, both mental and physical, that could go down hill and I know that he doesn't want that.

It sounds good in theory let's see if I can do it!

I had to move states to be with him and her and don't have anyone else here. I need to meet a friend! Lol

Being on this site is helping.....thank you all.
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Do you mean literally, you have two gastric ulcers? At 27?

And, so, how long have you and your husband been married? You didn't live together before you moved in to his home where he lived with his mother previously? How long have you known him?

Sorry to interrogate you, I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of how things are for you.
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BTW, almost all decaf coffee contains a small amount of caffeine. If MIL shouldn't drink coffee, she shouldn't even be drinking decaf, unless you're absolutely certain it's completely caffeine-free.
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Are you enjoying your life as it is now? You're 27, and you're stuck at home all day, in a state of constant anxiety. You're too young to be living like that, and you deserve to enjoy your life: it's the only one you get.

Do you and your husband have children, or are you planning to start a family? That's going to make your stress a hundred times worse, unless you do something about your MIL. If she's in the beginning stages of dementia, she's only going to get worse.

Have you considered getting someone to come in and relieve you for a few hours every day, so you can get out and do something that YOU want to do? Do you have POA, so you can legally pay your MIL's bills for her? If you don't there could be trouble, particularly from your husband's shady brother who opened the credit card accounts in your MIL's name without her knowing about it.

As a start, you should sit down with your husband and tell him what you're going through. Get him to pitch in. It's his mother, after all. See if he can help you work out some supplemental care-giving for her, so it doesn't all fall on your shoulders.

I'd also suggest getting her some Depends if she's wetting the bed, and don't go cold turkey quitting coffee. It can give you a terrible headache that lasts for days.

Good luck.
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You de-stress by getting away by yourself. Not to clean. Not to spend time with your husband but to sit and do nothing or to sit and do something you enjoy and that gives you personal satisfaction. This time away has to be your time only, not running errands or doing other household tasks.

Your husband is very lucky to have you. But he gets to work and then come home. You're always at work even when MIL is sleeping. Can the two of you get away for an evening for a date night? Or maybe your husband can take care of his mom on a weekend day so you can get away to see a movie yourself. Take yourself out to lunch while you're at it and bring a book.

The only way to cut down on the stress is to get away and care for yourself. Caring for yourself isn't self-indulgent, it's survival. I didn't realize that when I cared for my dad. I thought going off by myself was a waste of time better spent doing laundry or taking my dad out. I thought it was selfish and self-indulgent. I know better now. It's mandatory.
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She loves her coffee and she only drinks it in the morning her seizures appear at night but she had decafe and doesn't know it!
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Never give coffee to an epileptic. Been there. done that. Bad news.
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