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Hi! This is my first post here... how do you all cope when frustrated with an older parent? I blew up today and lost my temper with my mother and feel awful. I've told her a million times (and the doctor has as well) not to do certain things when I am not in the room (I live with her). I promised I'd straighten up the kitchen and do the floors when I got off of a work call (I am working from home now due to COVID) and... no sooner do I get upstairs do I hear a crash. She took it upon herself to take the floor steamer and try to steam the floor and she slipped and fell. She had told me she was going on her chair to rest. I lost it and yelled at her for this and feel horrible for not being sympathetic. She has a lot of health issues and has ben told by doctors to not do as much as she used to. She's 71. I am an only child and am the only one taking care of her.
Thank you for your advice. :-)

I learn to walk away and stay away.

But then, I have the 'blessing' of not having mom live with me.

I pick my own times to visit and if she is being belligerent or super negative, I quickly leave. I don't need nor can I stand her negativity or lack of care for me or my family. She NEVER asks about MY family, but talks relentlessly about the other sibs and their families.

It does seem cruel, but she has plenty of family who don't bother her, and they can spend time or call her. I have always been a trigger for her and I simply don't visit when I don't feel like it.

Only took 64 years to get here.
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Reply to Midkid58
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I am so sorry and I have no idea how you manage to focus and work from home. Maybe a list of "chores" that are safe for mom would be helpful. My mom complains all the time about boredom. Once I let her clean out my big sewing basket and she was so happy to organize it. This kept her busy for a couple of hours. Can mom cook simple things, fold laundry, dust or cut coupons with safety scissors? You may have to hide some things like the steamer and momma proof the areas she is in like you would for a toddler.
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Reply to InFamilyService
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Does your Mom have dementia?
If not, of course she both risked herself and the risk of making you more trouble than you have, all likely in the attempt to HELP you.
It's time for a talk. And when you are feeling good, strong, gentle and loving.
It's time to sit her down and tell her that you love her, that you understand the limitations she has, which are not her fault, and that you know that she was trying to help you. Tell her that the fact she might have hurt herself would have made it all so much worse for her. Tell her that you CANNOT HAVE THAT, and so you need to come to a contact, an understanding about what she CAN do and what she must not attempt.
Then do that. Can she make a meal? Set the table? clean the sinks, whatever it is do let her feel useful if you are living together. Otherwise she will continue to be so desperate to "help you" that it's likely to end badly. For you both.
There's no shame in losing your temper. Apologize. And tell her you know you both love one another, and most problems come from love, that you will both sit and sip a glass of sherry and discuss it when things are calm.
Wishing you good luck.
And of course if dementia is involved, Just forget about all of the above. There's no hope to make those changes that can be made by the competent mind.
Your Mom is quite young for you to be together already. You mention limitations. I am 78, and I know there are some. But independence, to my mind, is best as long as it can be maintained. And sometimes, quite honestly, ALF are best. They do the housework, you could help with POA for financial, and Mom could just relax and make some friends. It is worth thinking about for future if you think it would work for the two of you. 71 is quite young, and Mom could have 30 years of life, certainly 20 ahead. Be certain that you want that to be living together. I ADORE my daughters. Couldn't live with them. And we ALL know it, hee hee!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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MissItaly56 Oct 27, 2020
Oh Alva, I totally needed this! It's been Mom and me since I was a child-- my father left us when I was very little. She also had a bad accident when I was 12 which left her partly disabled. She's an amazing cook and I adore her when she's not being so STUBBORN. I haven't found the man of my dreams yet to get married, so I am here at home doing what I can to help. :-)
I think you're right-- she's coming from a misguided place of thinking she's helping but really hindering. I want to make sure she's comfortable and well taken care of and I try very hard. My boss is AMAZING and lets me go on her appointments, no questions asked, so that's a giant benefit. I don't want her feeling useless, but I also want her to do things within reason!
Forgive my ignorance, but what's ALF?
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Is it possible she has the beginnings of cognitive decline or short-term memory loss? You should probably get her tested so that you aren't having unrealistic expectations of her abilities.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MissItaly56 Oct 27, 2020
She was tested earlier this year and she's all clear. She's always been stubborn, though, and I am wondering if it is getting worse as she ages. She is constantly telling me she's going to do one thing and ends up doing the opposite. I've even caught her on the Arlo outside doing yardwork when I am at work! (And of course I stay monitoring the Arlo until she's back inside!)
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