I have a brother and SIL in another state. (Not far enough that they can't visit frequently, but they don't.) My other 3 siblings and I either don't or rarely answer the phone anymore when we see my brother's name on the caller-id. He likes to supervise from a distance when it comes to Mom's care. We live it every day. He doesn't. At the same time, when he calls, it sounds more like our SIL talking. She is very controlling, and he can't seem to think for himself. (Mom used to say that she would hate to have her as a mother-in-law. To which we would all laugh.)
At Christmas, Mom was getting up from her chair. My brother got up to help, and his wife yelled and told him not to help her. (I am assuming because she thinks she hurt her back helping her mother, so he will do the same... Hard to tell. But, that is how she is.)
My main complaint is that when I would call my brother (which I have stopped doing now), my SIL would be in the background, telling my brother what to say. Did he have us on speaker phone?? How would she hear what I was saying??? She has done the same thing when my sister called recently. My sister told my brother that she called to talk to HIM, not her. He took offense to that.
The other night, I had it out with my brother (and then my SIL). I told my brother that when we call, we want to have a private conversation with HIM, and we do not appreciate her interjecting when we are trying to talk. My SIL told me that she will continue to give my brother her opinion on Mom's situation until he tells her not to.
I told her (and him) that I don't care if they talk about the situation after the phone call, but to talk while we are trying to have a conversation, is flat out rude. My brother told me that none of their conversations are private and that they are "a team."
Everyone else has also stopped calling him because of her -- whether it is her talking in the background or listening to my brother sounding like her. It would be good to be able to keep my brother up-to-speed on Mom's decline. At the same time, we want to talk only to HIM. We don't want her telling us what we should be doing. If I text him, she reads the texts. If we email, she reads all the emails. So, what do we do???