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I posted the other day about my dad refusing the pacemaker and so his end of life is unknown but most likely pretty close.

Anyway i am very emotional and tearing up all the time. I want his time to be happy and upbeat. He made his decision about the pacemaker..but has forgotten about iit so he doesnt really know why we are so emotional.

He loves gospel..and i tear up every time some songs come up...wish i could control my emotions better ..especially around him.

Any suggestions?

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The way i deal with my emotions is i separate them. I learned that the way your loved one behaves has nothing to do with you, it has to do with their illnesses and circumstance. You are just there as a "volunteer" assisting them. Know your limitations. Ask for help and be willing to accept help when offered. If its too much for you, take breaks and recharge your batteries, get some fresh air and sunlight outdoors as this helps to energize you and calm your mind.
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I find that if I look at Dad and start crying it is perfectly normal, I heard him tell someone once that he liked me to tune up a little now and then when I have to suddenly go in the hospital for something scary- I see her tune up and I feel like I matter to her, and that I'm not just a business decision!
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Katie,

Doh!!! I just noticed your post was dated May 31, 2014. In any case, are you feeling better and closer to acceptance?

My deepest apologies for adding to your grief.
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You feel his life is coming to a close, and the gospel songs probably remind you that funeral arrangements need to be made. What makes it even more painful is looking into his eyes and realizing there's very little left of the man he used to be. Right now you're one big traffic circle where denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance converge. Little white lies and a Teflon demeanor don't help much either.

Stop trying to rationalize your emotions and don't isolate. There's no shame in sharing your pain with others who are trying to do the same thing. It'll make mourning -- and the entire grieving process -- a lot easier.
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When my emotions swell, I give daddy a big hug and cry a little.
Then I compose myself and get on with it.
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Permit yourself to be you. Cry. And hug. And kiss on the forehead. And laugh.
And be you. For after it all happens, you are still here. With yourself. And after all, that Daddy DNA is still alive within you.
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You love your dad and you're going to lose him. Of course you cry about it sometimes. If you're crying all day, nonstop, that's another thing, but "tearing up" sounds perfectly normal. Gospel music makes me tear up, too, and nobody I love is dying, that I know of, anyway!
You might feel better and be more cheerful around your father if you take time out to get some exercise and fresh air. Take a break and hang out with a friend. Get your nails done, go to a fancy coffee shop, shoot rats at the dump, or whatever you like to do.
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I read Eyerishlass's advice and knew it was spot-on. It is usually how I handle all of my emotions. I do not like to yell or cry in front of my mother, but I know I have to feel what is going on with me inside. So I do it in my room or in the back yard. It helps a lot.
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What you're feeling is normal but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. Instead of trying to hide your emotions go somewhere where you can be alone and just let loose. Cry all you need to. Get it out. I have found that by trying to control my crying, trying to stifle it, it comes out in little bursts more frequently than when I just sit down and let it go.
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If he asks why you are so emotional, you can tell a therapeutic fib--"Oh Dad, those hymns just make me feel so good I want to cry!" or, "they remind me of grandma" or something like that. It's normal in your shoes to feel this way. Seeing a doctor for some medication and/or counseling around this is a great idea.
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If he asks why you are so emotional, you can tell a therapeutic fib--"Oh Dad, those hymns just make me feel so good I want to cry!" or, "they remind me of grandma" or something like that. It's normal in your shoes to feel this way. Seeing a doctor for some medication and/or counseling around this is a great idea.
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katiekay, I think emotions are fine. Unless you go to the point of being nonfunctional, I wouldn't worry about showing your emotions. He's your father. If that is not something to be emotional about, I don't know what is. What you described sounds perfectly normal to me.
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It takes years of practice. Often it takes medication and counseling. Talk to your MD.
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