I have been taking care of my mother-in-law for 3 very long years. She is spiteful, narcissistic and passive-aggresive towards me. She has no mental illness and can move well with the aid of a walker. However, she will lie in her bed all day and expect me to do every for her - from carrying her food to wiping her backside to changing her tv's channels - literally. I can't and won't do it anymore! When she was deathly ill (the hospital kicked her out after a week because she refused to take her meds and would pull out her drips) it was understandable and I didn't mind, but she has been well for 2 years now yet she still expects it.
I wasn't given a choice to care for her. It was placed on my shoulders as the wife of her oldest son (the 2nd eldest child). We had to move into her house because she refused to leave and it was shortly after her youngest child's death. I have never felt at home here and most of our things are still boxed up in an outside room - also not by choice. She has also tried to cause trouble between my husband and myself numerous times, but thankfully he now sees through that.
My husband was diagnosed with PTSD this year and my son has Bi-Polar disorder. On top of all this I have to try and raise my two younger children in this negative environment and support my eldest in university. I have no help around the house or with her care (she has 2 daughters) and have lost connection with my friends and church because of taking care of her.
Lately I cringe at the sound of her voice and can't stand to look at her.
Between my mother-in-law, my husband and son's disorders and an isolated life I feel lost. I can't cope with even doing mundane tasks like washing dishes anymore. Most days I just want to be "away".
Sorry for the essay. I guess I ranted and rambled.
In the long run you need to figure out how to get her debt off your backs - IMO she needs to declare bankruptcy and find affordable housing and get out of your home. Someone mentally fit who can navigate with a walker does not need a caregiver, I see no reason she couldn't live in a rent controlled seniors apartment.
I wanted to reply to both of you simultaneously, but didn't know how.
Just being able to communicate with someone that won't judge me and has experienced similar situations has already been a HUGE help.
Then, inform them you are no longer going to be the caregiving female in the family. They can place her if they want.
I spoke to MIL and told her she needs to move and use the toilet. When the rebellion came (as I knew it would) and she made a mess, I had her clean it up herself. By the third time she got the message and it is thankfully not happening anymore. Now she is just in terrible pain everytime she has to do something (wink) but I can handle that.
Also, I spoke to H about the situation and for the time being the status quo will remain. Because we are living in her house, can't afford to place her, etc.
Now I just need to work on myself. Thank you for taking an interest and the time to reply.
Is your H afraid of her? What is his PTSD from? Does he help at all with her care? Does he think your slavery towards his mother is okay? If he had to choose between MIL and you, who would it be?
How old is MIL, and how old are you?
If H is intractable and won't consider an alternative living environment for his mother or at least insist on hired help, then you must decide whether you are better off with or without him.
One more question...what is MIL's financial picture? Could she afford in-home help or an Assisted Living facility?
MIL is 78, and I am 42 years old.
She is receiving a state pension, but has a huge amount of debt thanks to the child that passed away. So her financial situation is bad, and we cannot afford to have her placed in a facility because we are already trying to cope with her debt as well.
I'd also suggest that your MIL be checked for cognitive decline. Sometimes, people seem to be disagreeable, lazy, selfish, demanding, which is due to changes in their brain that we are not aware of. Something similar happened with my LO (she seemed physically fine, but, just stopped doing things for herself) and I was told by therapists that she was lazy and selfish, since she wanted to just lay in bed, with nothing wrong with her, but, later, it became clear it was dementia. I'm not saying that's what is the cause for your MIL, but, I would consider it as a possibility and try to avoid blame, until it's determined for sure. But, whatever the reason, I'd seek help. No one should be a caregiver when they don't want to do it.
I have also considered that it might be dementia, but shouldn't there be some mental signs as well?
At present, sounds like you can't do much. Your first responsibility is to YOU...then to your hubby and kids. MIL is somewhere along the last.
Can you have a family meeting and discuss this with the other sibs? I know it's really hard, I bet everyone is just thrilled to have you carrying the bucket on this--but you will burn out, completely, and very soon if you don't get some help. Let them know that. There is no law or rule that says the oldest child is responsible for mom & dad----it should be equally spread out. If some of the other sibs can't physically help, then they need to be financially helping you by paying for a few days of in home care. Period.
I had an older brother who cleaned my parents out, financially and we're still living with the repercussions 20+ years later. Sadly, we see that a lot.
I hope you get some balance going--you certainly can't say anything on these boards that we haven't heard a lot of times. Please try to get family together and get some help. Nobody is well served if you fall apart.
{{{HUGS}}}
1) Start with finding a case manager that handles seniors. If you have 211, call and ask them for suggestions on an agency. Also, check with her health insurance and see if they have a case manager that can help. Case managers are a free service through non-profits and health insurance.
2) Consider filing bankruptcy. It will forgive all of her debts and free up cash that you might be able to then use to get her into an assisted living. Someone mentioned that she go into affordable housing. Depending on where you live, the waitlists can be up to 10 years. Also, if she owns her home she would not qualify.
3) Look into caregiver support groups. You have it coming at you from 3 directions and you will burnout. Support groups can not only empathize but also provide ideas for making your situation more bearable.
4) There are mental health organizations that provide sessions on how to more effectively handle people with mental conditions. Again, you can call 211 or your health insurance to see what is available in your area.
Hopefully these are a couple of ideas that will help.