How do you care for someone who was abusive to you?

You can only take "so much" and you will begin to neglect and be verbally abusive to her and this will escalate.

" My mother has always suffered from Bipolar Disorder and Depression and constantly takes it out on myself and my brother."

It sounds like you need to allow yourself to understand that your mother is suffering from menta disorders. She isn't taking anything out on you. She likely dislikes the fact that she does these things herself. Doesn't even understand why she does them. She is not well. It is exhausting. I is hard to manage.

She likely needs medication and psychological therapy.

it’s “amazing” (in an incredibly negative way) how many mothers are so nasty to their daughters.

dear abused-daughters-worldwide,

it has everything to do with the fact that you’re a girl. she would not treat you that way, if you were a boy. exceptionally, some mothers are mean to their sons, but even then, usually they’ll be much worse to their daughters.

some mothers want to destroy their daughters:
—your self-confidence
—your body (harming you)
—your mind (throwing verbal garbage/insults at you) (brain-washing you) (they want to make sure you don’t feel good about yourself) (the sweeter you are = that’s awful for them, because they want to insult you, but how to insult you when you’re so kind and sweet? by inventing garbage, and hoping you’ll start believing the garbage).

it’s almost like the behavior of a mean girl at school against another girl.

My then 93-year-old bipolar ill mother even got to the point where she told me I was responsible for moving her out of our condo when she kept falling and finally Kaiser just would not send her home. I had to work, and no one was home to care for her. In 2011. 2 years before Mom had to move to rehab and assisted living, my oldest brother then referred to name as, "Trudy" instead of "Mom", because he has been used for several years and no longer wanted involvement with her. Mom lost respect from most of us siblings. After Mom went to assisted living in 2013, I got nasty letters from her threatening to take me into court for our condo when it was not even my fault. I confirmed with two of my family members that I did the right thing by not bringing her back home since she was too fragile and had no more strength to harm me.

Sincerely,
Patathome01

There is a lot of good advice in the comments. But, the most critical thing you must do first is fully acknowledge, accept, and act on the fact that your mother has two (2) neurological deficits that prevent her from engaging with you in a healthy manner.

Acknowledge both Bipolar and a stroke alter the brain chemistry and function.

Accept that you do not have the mother you want, you have the mother you have.

Act, with your healthy brain, to get the best care for your mother. Unless you are highly trained AND have a staff or round-the-clock attendants, you are not the best caregiver. You are her child, yes. But, look at the staff in a nursing home (everything from doctors and nurses to dietitians, therapists, activity coordinators, health attendants, and cleaning staff. You may be a fantastic person, but you are not all that. And, unless you are ready brining in a comparable team, there is a reason you are exhausted.

I strongly encourage you to do two things:
1. Work with a geriatric social worker to find an appropriate placement for your mom.
2. Find a therapist for yourself. You are a child of abuse who has not learned boundries and is still trying to please your mom - even when that i's neither in your best interest or hers in the home as it stands now.

I'm so sorry. I would just tell her, as I would a child, that this behavior is ugly and mean, and completely unacceptable. And that you expect better.

How do you care for someone who has been abusive to you?

You no longer take care of your mother but instead make sure she is cared for by professionals.

You are too young to have such a life. You have to shake off any notion that she will change and miraculously be a made-for-TV sweet, gracious and appreciative mom. Your responsibility is only to make sure she is sheltered, fed, kept clean and safe by someone else. 

The big thing now is to cut the rotten umbilical cord to that sewage system and realize you’re wiser, more powerful and much more the-better-person than she ever was. Show your future kids what a great mom is like.

Imagine, while reading this you were overcome by a wave of never felt before clarity, freedom and hope. 

This feeling has not only enveloped you but has also washed through you. You will have this transformative feeling if you completely and whole heartedly accept that you are whole and solid without your mom’s love and make definite plans to have her in a care facility. And every time you visit her and she says the first miserable thing say; "Well that's always nice. Maybe it'll go better next time and I can stay longer. See you next Tuesday". Next visit bring her a latte, and repeat the same response. Train her.

In a whacky way you may possibly be more solid and savvy for your pains. You have experienced an unwanted education which should include at this point learning that it is a useless effort to try to find mom anymore in this sorry broken being. It’s time to take a slow deep breath, and as you slowly breath out expel your mom from being part of you. You are 100 million billion times more than just of her flesh.

The mind and heart of a healthy mom almost worships their babies. A mother’s love is a precious bond, it is an automatic protective nature, and unfathomably deeper than the universe. All else is unfortunate and a sad sickness that happens to some of us.

You are an honorable person but a little deluded as well for wanting to help in spite of your history. 

You are intelligent and write well. You are sensitive and you are, right now, the person perhaps you were meant to be regardless of the insanity, and crazy making of your childhood.

If you can even for a minute, (with practice you will be able to let go longer and then forever), slip off that ugly coat of memories and think as it slides away that what remains from that compilation of twisted experiences is a beautifully unique creation that has something special to bring to the world’s table which is a perspective and understanding that will be able to serve others and it doesn’t have to be professionally. You have a unique depth. Even in 50 years from now some one young person may need the knowledge and heart that only such a person as you can provide. Your empathy and sympathy will mean the world.

When someone has gone through bad experiences it can either destroy them or make them a force. Your voice tells you will be the latter.

YOU have to become the mom, the logical decision maker your mom was supposed to have been, and in this case for a demented old child. How will you better mom, protect, be kind, to yourself? You have to be gentle to yourself to be in the best shape for your future family.

If she had been a savage dog that you had no luck with you’d try to find a no kill farm, or a place it could safely live out its years. You must not allow further abuse, never, from anyone.

How you care for someone who was abusive to you.
From now on you are The Directress, The Controller and you will take all the steps, some small and some big, toward arranging for your mother’s care.

You will see there is a light of peace at the end of a short tunnel of desks, phone calls, and offices that you must deal with as you speak with anyone and everyone involved to help you arrange care for your mother in a facility. You are strictly only an overseer.

You must have a life. You must focus on your future.

People who have personality disorders are usually the ones in nursing homes. They can be delightful to strangers and staff, and humiliate, and abuse their families when no one is around.

Id say it's to much to handle. Get her into a home. I'd say I'm burned out. And you need a level of care I cannot do. Stroke pts need therapy, and help with everything. There are 3 shifts at the nursing home for a reason. No one should work 24/7 doing that. If you went to a job, and said I'll do that. I'll work that many hours around the clock, they wouldn't hire you. They wouldn't let you work those hours. There are laws stopping people from being used and abused like that. But your taking it on 24/7.

Who is POA? Time to step up and say that's its too much. Let's go find a place.

Changes in the stroke patient's emotions and personality are common after stroke. It's very normal to experience strong emotions after stroke, however these emotional reactions usually get better with time. Longer-term emotional and personality changes can be very challenging.

https://strokefoundation.org.au › em...


You can also get a consult from her doc for a psychiatrist. They can prescribe meds to help with anxiety/depression and to calm her. They can have brain changes after a stroke. I'd give them a call and do not back down. You need a consult for her. Tell your brother it is time. It is too much. Do not back down. It is time for a home. Good luck.

People who have personality disorders are usually the ones in nursing homes. They can be delightful to strangers and staff, and humiliate, and abuse their families when no one is around.

Id say it's to much to handle. Get her into a home. I'd say I'm burned out. And you need a level of care I cannot do. Stroke pts need therapy, and help with everything. There are 3 shifts at ehe nursing home for a reason. No one should work fill time doing that. If you went to a job, and said I'll do that, they wouldn't let you. There are laws stopping people from being used and abused like that. But your taking on 24/7.

Who is POA. Time to step up and say that's its too much.

Changes in the stroke patient's emotions and personality are common after stroke. It's very normal to experience strong emotions after stroke, however these emotional reactions usually get better with time. Longer-term emotional and personality changes can be very challenging.

https://strokefoundation.org.au › em...
Emotional and personality 

You can also get a consult from her doc for a psychiatrist. They can prescribe meds to help with anxiety/depression and to calm her. They can have brain changes after a stroke. I'd give them a call and do not back down. You need a consult for her. Tell your sister it is time. It is too much. Do not back down. Good luck.

GonzalezM: You simply cannot continue to provide care to an individual, albeit your mother, who continues to bash you verbally. Your mother should be placed in a managed care facility, who has on staff skilled medical professionals who are better equipped to care for a stroke victim. That is not to say that your caregiving accomplishment was anything less than stellar.

My short answer would be DON'T.

I know it's not as easy as all that but I would have a hard time taking care of an abuser. It's difficult enough taking care of someone you love who loves you back.

If it's at all possible I'd get her into full time care. You don't deserve the alternative.

My personal feeling is that nobody should have to live with someone who is abusive (mentally or physically). Get connected with a local social worker who can advise you of your mother's and your (and your brother's) options. Much will depend on her finances. I'd suggest doing the legwork first to try to find a couple of good assisted living place near you, so that you can oversee her care and visit often (even if they are only short visits). Then have a talk with her and tell her that her care is getting to be too much for you. You can show her the places you found, and hopefully she'll like one of them. The advantage of assisted living is professional care, people her own age around her, and they organize activities. All the best to you!

I do not have an answer for you, but I want to sympathize with you. I am in the same situation and it grows worse with every day that passes.

Stop. Doing. It. Stop being her caregiver. For nearly 2 years I've been the caregiver for my 82 y/o demented mother. She has been a cold, critical, emotionally abusive, and terrible mother to me. I am the daughter of a jealous, unloving, mean, demanding, narcissist.

In October of 2020, I stepped in to help, doing everything. I believed it was the Christian thing to do to "honor" my parent. But, it has just left me overwhelmed, burned out and resentful.

I've decided to step away. I do not owe her my life. I've become detached, more hands-off, and I'm looking for placement for her. I've answered incessant, middle of the night and during my work-day phone calls. No more. I've set firm boundaries as far as my availability. Not available-your call will not be answered. PERIOD. The frequency has decreased dramatically. I've stopped being at her beck and call. I've retained an in-home aide, and I'm on a search for MC placement.

You can provide support, but at a distance. You can ensure the care is provided. You do not have to be the caregiver.

Do not become abusive to your abuser.

Hi, GonzalesM:

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's physical problems. Yes, your mother is mean, but try not to take it too personally. Bipolar is a mood disorder psychosis illness. Is your mother on medication and therapy for her mental illness? What is her age, and can she go into assisted living and on Medicaid once her funds are spent down?

By comparison, my own mother had bipolar illness that ended her marriage of 10 years back in 1946 to 1956, leaving us kids to be placed into foster. Very selfish mother. Later, my siblings left town to find jobs and their own peaceful lives. I stayed with Mom for 38 years, had nowhere else to go, I had jobs, got my two-year degree, and did not take much bickering and abuse from her, so I would just go to my room, even walked outside, until her complaining stopped. Sometimes she would apologize, sometimes not. It's our faith that got us through those years together, and I constantly reminded her of that. Mom never got properly diagnosed, doctors incorrectly called it paranoid schizophrenia, got no therapy nor medication for her disorder. She had been moved up to Oregon near my brother's place in her last year of life. She passed away in a nursing home in 2014, but my family has been split apart forever, leaving me alone in the CA Bay Area. However, I do have some family members' remote contact.

First I want you to know that you are valuable and the abuse was never right. Some people never had the ability to parent .They prioritized their selfishness over the needs of the innocent .
please examine why you are choosing to care for her .
whatever choices she made not to accept medical care now is her choices. I lived this with my mother. She just expected family is to care for elderly but she skipped the part that a mother is to care for her own children.
the two are not separate.
She needs to experience the consequences . Usually humans learn this at a young age. She never did, so she just took and took.
Respond to her abusiveness now with firmless. Lacking giving her attention is powerful- walk out and stay away for 30 min to an hour- whatever is better. I lived this with my mother. Three weeks before she died she yelled at me for not doing things her way and I cut all contact. She told my husband she did nothing wrong. Stubborn to the end and even insulted nurses who were sent in. In the end what did she gain but to be remembered with disappointment

Went through it and all I could do was tell them straight and that's it. They dont like it too bad...

Let her know for her own benefit you are sending her to more qualified people 😉

My MIL has been abusive to my wife her entire life. My wife raised herself as a kid, had to find ways to buy her own clothes and get herself to school while mom was passed out on the couch. We're talking age 7. She moved out and got a job and a car and drove without a license at 14. I've known her mom for 23 years now and refuse to be in the same place with her. The verbal abuse is on about 90% of the time. My kids who are now 15 and 16 love her, she has been nice to them but there have been a few instances here she's gotten abusive. My son was in the Superbowl for his football league when in the middle of the game she started to walk across the field to get to a building on the other side instead of going around. My daughter (10 or 11) yelled at her to stop and she flipped out on my daughter.

Then there's the time she invited the drug dealers outside a 7/11 to come meet me and my family waiting for her in the minivan while she needed an emergency bathroom stop. She told me I was rude to her and the drug dealers telling her to get in the damned car NOW while I've got a guy in my driver side window trying to sell me drugs with my wife and toddlers in the back seat. As I drive off, she takes a 40oz beer out of her bag and opens it. Wtf??

She also gives the majority of her SSI away to online scammers. We've tried to educate her, to take control of her finances, but she wouldn't stop. She was also spending thousands a month on her credit cards on in app game purchases with no intention of paying. She says it's the credit card companies fault for giving her the cards. Everything is someone else's fault. Everything. We set her phone up as a kids and now all IAPs have to be approved by my wife. Boy she is not happy about that.

Fast forward, she lives alone, has bad emphysema (or whatever it's called now), vapes, refuses oxygen, hasn't showered in a year. Is unable to get downstairs (elevator) on her own to get to a doctor appt for her lungs. She goes thru tons of inhalers, sometimes 1 a day. I've been handling hospice and elder protective services for my dad and my wife asked me for all the contact info.

She called her mom to try to get help set up for her from these agencies but mom immediately started attacking her. You don't care what happens to me, etc.

Wife is done. Blocked her mom's number. Her mom has one foot in the grave. The other foot can't follow quickly enough.

Bottom line is let her go. It's not you, it's her and there is nothing you can do to change her behavior. These suggestions of ignoring her or treating her back the same way or setting rules or boundaries or consequences. It doesn't work. The only thing that ever helped was proper medication. She actually became a very nice and generous person but then she'd stop taking it because "I'm better now".

Get yourself away from your mom permanently whatever you have to do. If my wife was able to find a way to move out at 14 while living in the slums, so can you.

Im also going to throw this out there. I was always proud that my wife did not let her mother's behaviors affect her own. She's been an amazing mom. My wife is now in her mid 50s and my daughter (16) and I are noticing some early behavior changes in my wife that remind us of her mom. We can't bring it up or she feels attacked and gets defensive but it's starting to push us away. It makes us fearful as to where this might go. You need to be self aware and on guard of your own behaviors for life to make sure you don't start to go down that road.

Every human being deserves to feel safe in their own life. Living with a person who is abusive for any reason is not a healthy choice. You mention that your mother has suffered from severe mental illness your entire life -- that is a terrible thing for her and may explain her failure to provide the love and care that you needed; however, no healthy parent would choose to place their child in the situation you are in now. In fact, it is up to you to parent yourself wisely through your own life. To do that, I think you are going to have to step away from the situation you are in right now.

Your profile states you are only 25 years old. You are so young that I fear this has fallen to you and your brother simply because you had the bad fortune to have still been living at home when your mother had her stroke. You do have a number of options, here, but the most important thing for you to understand before you choose any course is that the path you take MUST be your choice.

At 25 it is really important that you be working to develop your own life away from your family of origin. These are the (challenging, often painful and difficult in the best of circumstances but also incredibly rewarding) years where you will learn how to care for yourself for the rest of your life. What you learn during this time will also prepare you to care for others.

One very valid choice would be for you to choose to stop providing caregiving duties for your mother. You will need a plan to support yourself and to live outside of your mother's home. If you have a support system of your own, let them know of your choice. Speak to your mother's doctors or to her closest family member (her partner, if one is in the picture, or another member of her immediate family) to simply inform them that you will no longer be providing caregiving duties as of X date.

There may be multiple other options, depending on your mother's financial situation, that would allow you to step away immediately.

I wish you brighter days and space to grow in a nurturing environment where your focus on caregiving is -- and deservedly so -- yourself.

Is your Mom taking her meds for Bipolar/depression. If not, perhaps you can put all her meds in a pill organizer and add them. As you know this is the only real solution for bipolar behavioral issues. If she refuses to take the meds then tough love may be the only solution However, you must follow through on it.

If there are no meds you can try to tell her every time she speaks to you like that you are going to leave the room (and leave her as she is) or leave her house. You will be amazed at how quickly this works. The only problem is you must follow-up everytime and not go in if she starts yelling. As long as she is safe, you must leave as soon as she starts. Tell her ''I told you I'm going to leave every time you treat me meanly, so I'm leaving right now. I'll be back x." Then leave. (Do not return within a few minutes minutes/1 hours though.) I'm afraid there isn't much more to do other than to move her to Assisted Living. Good luck.
MOBrien, RN, CCM, GCM

You’ve given caretaking a try, now allow yourself the grace to stop.

You don’t need any fancy excuses, “this isn’t working out for me” is enough.

You only have one life and you deserve happiness and peace.

I’m am in a similar situation, however it was much easier for me to walk away as she was already in an assisted living facility when I finally said “no more”. She is in a very nice facility that she approved of and signed herself into. I had zero control over her finances and don’t even know what they look like. Within a week it was “a **** hole you put me in so you could steal my money”. After years of offering to buy her condos to be near me (I’m in FL, she’s in IN), telling her to be happy and move back
to England, etc but nothing being good enough this was the last option. She sold her house and was homeless. Her friends were running thin (being abusive to them as they were letting her couch serf with them). Last convo with her she started in on my children. That was enough for me. I consulted attorney and wrote the letters removing myself from point of contact for the nursing home and to her removing myself from someone to help her figure out what she needed to do. Then I blocked her number. 47 years of abuse came
to an end. I do deal with some guilt, but my family (especially my sister) is
helping me through it.

You deserve happiness. Just because it’s your mother doesn’t give her a free pass to abuse you continuously. ❤️❤️

She hates herself, not you. She’s projecting those feelings onto you. Understand it’s both a physical and mental medical condition that cannot be fixed. Self care. Step away for a few days, accept that you are doing the very best that you can, and in reality you can only change your reactions and not her actions. You did not say whether she is able to take medication regularly or if she has been diagnosed with any form of dementia. You obviously care about your mother or you wouldn’t be seeking support. Best of luck to you. It’s not easy, I get it.

I would not presume to advise what help you should or should not give your mother. However, I have given, given, given to my mother in various ways. She sees it and and acknowledges it, but at the same time will not let any PERCEIVED slight or hurtful remark pass. She is the most overly sensitive, unforgiving person I know. Recently, after I had spent several days working to help her in many ways and I thought things were going unusually well, she decided to bring up something I said over a year ago that hurt her feelings. It was something ridiculous and unwarranted, she had brought it up before and I had already apologized (though I had done NOTHING wrong). I stood in amazement and thought "This is what comes from not seeing the benefit of God's ways and Bible counsel". Forgiveness benefits the forgiver, without it we are never happy. That doesn't mean we excuse what they do or have done. Or mean we lie down and let people walk on us. But whatever we see in our loved ones that hurt us can serve as a reminder of what kind of people we want to be and take a lesson to not become like them and to work hard to cultivate the qualities we want to have in ourselves.

If she has few financial resources, find out how to apply for Medicaid for her placement in a care facility.

If you or she have any money, hire outside care help until she can be moved to a facility. She may protest, but you can remind her she was not satisfied with your cate taking and you have found people who will do it better.

Don't. Truly, don't. Whatever you're trying to prove is impossible…that by caring for her, you WERE in fact a good daughter, or that you're kinder than she was, etc. Just don't. If you live with her, notify social services that you'll be moving, or that you have to get her out of the home. And really f--- her, for hitting and abusing her child. She's evil. Don't let her steal anything more from you than she has already.

In rare instances, the hurt and damage is too far overboard to salvage any kind of relationship, but I'm guessing you guys love your mom and this is not the case with you exactly, so you can try to "kill her with kindness" so to speak and over time she may or may not realize the pain she has caused and try to make it right.
She will be gone some day and when that day comes you'll look back and reflect on your relationship with her and some things you thought were serious before will seem insignificant when she's no longer there. Try your best to have a real heart to heart with her, and try often. Never give up on your mom (or any family member for that matter) so that no matter how it works out, YOU are not left with feelings of guilt over what could have been done differently. Best of luck

Dear GonzalezM. God bless what you have been doing for a mother who has been taking her pain out on you all these years.

I have a couple of occasions in grammar school when I was molested by my father. Today, I am teaming with him to care for my mother who is in her 4th year of dementia.

When things get really hard, those memories surface like air bubbles under water. In my head I run through lots of "things" I could say that would hurt him...but I don't. We actually work well together, caring for my mom.

I cannot imagine being in a situation where I was still being abused as an adult and living under the roof with my abuser. I CAN understand how confusing this must be. It doesn't surprise me at all if there is still a tiny part of you that has been hoping you can win a tiny bit of your mother's love.

Maybe you need to exhaust every last effort to gain her love and approval before surrendering that hope.

My hope for you is that you begin to think about "life" beyond your mom. Like many others, I suggest you surrender your mom's care to professionals. I suspect it will be one of the hardest decisions you will make.

I pray you find freedom.

I can definately relate because I've been in a very similar situation for years. I encourage you to seek advise from folks in this forum, friends who appreciate what you are doing and Bible reading every day. At first it affected my wife and i very much. But, some support from kind folks (Not family, however) help us endure together. At times one might even feel abandoned. But, the case is that our loving Father respects what you and your son are doing (Ephesians 6:2,3). Don't let any negative feelings get in the way of doing good and giving an excellent example to your son and others who might even ill advise you (1 Peter 2:12). I can only share what helped me and my wife. Keeping in mind that Jehovah is quite aware of what we do (1 Peter 2:19). Stay strong