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I’ve been full time caregiver to my 97 yr old dad for 7 months. I have moved out of state to move in with him. I fully expected to get a p/t job here but he has has one medical issue after another. I finally had to get a job to pay my bills but I am stressed beyond belief leaving him alone for 5-6 hrs. He is mentally pretty good and pretty mobile but when it comes to safety the switch is off. I’m afraid I’ll come home to find him on the roof to fix a leak... He thinks he is still 50. Caregiving alone exhausts me, now I have to work a physical job on top of that. I have no social life. We have applied for aid and attendance to either pay me or respite care, praying that comes through for us. So... how do you all, do it all???

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Could you have a caregiver come in some while you are at work, or hire someone to pop in and check on him? Does the VA pay for adult day care?

Totally understand the exhaustion. What's helped me thus far is the planning process as far as trying to make some alternative care arrangements so that my mom can have good care, but so I can still have a life too. It's most definitely easier said than done, and we haven't gotten there yet, but just having the goal that we're working towards little by little helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugs to you, I know it is not easy.
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Could he afford to go to assisted living?
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A big hug to you! I can totally understand how exhausting it can be -- not just the caregiving, but having a full-time job on top of that. It's like juggling two full-time jobs at the same time.

Would you be able to get a companion for him during the day, maybe a neighbor, a volunteer or a paid caregiver? Or perhaps he can join a community group where other members can look out for him? Of course, it's easier said than done. My dad is pretty mobile too, but very reliant on me for companionship. But I am learning that I need to build a support system around me -- companions for him, specialists I can talk to, etc. -- so that I can "delegate" some tasks and have some breathing space. I'm in this process now, so good luck to both of us!

I also installed a security camera that enables me to view what's happening at home through my cellphone. It's not an expensive one, just a small portable one (just like a baby monitor) which I place in the living room where Dad usually is. When I call home and no one answers, at least I have the facility to view what's happening at home and stop panicking.
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Videoman May 2018
I know what you mean about having a camera. I have found my wife on the floor twice now while I was at work. Was able to call the Fire Department for a Lift Assist. They gladly come right out and get her back in the wheel chair. Thankfully she has never hurt herself in falling over a dozen time. Always just sits down. My camera can be rotated and tilted plus it has two way sound. I can just listen and usually tell where she is. The two way sound doesn't work to well as it starts feeding back and will start to squeal like sound systems do when mics are to close to the speakers. But the worry is starting to get to me and at 77 it is time to retire. In the mean time the local Agency on Aging is going to have someone check on her at 1pm Monday-Thursday and get her lunch & meds ready. They only give me 18+ hours a month but that will cover some time when I am not able to be there. Respite Care. This is through a group called ResCare in in WA State. 99% paid for by Medicare. Will definitely check into that service where you can leave them for a couple of hours or so to catch a break when we get moved to Laurel.
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Doing both his caregiving, a job and running a home...yes you are exhausted! And it will not get better unless you find some help. Is he unable to afford IL or AL? Can you tell us more about that part. My dad was insistent he was going to die in his home until he realized he couldn’t handle it anymore. If I’d moved there it would have never forced the issue. So because you did move there, he is content to stay and can. In the meantime it’s wearing you slick!! If you can’t move him you need to hire people to give you time away and time off. I have an 80 yo friend in my yoga class. Her husband has Alzheimer’s and she makes it a priority to come. How?...she hires a caregiver so she can. There are ways to have a life but you must think outside the box and get help. Don’t give up who you are for him or your health, mental and physical, will suffer.
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Unfortunately when your caregiver there is no balance and you have no life. Even if your loved one is in an assisted living. You go to work stressed worried about them and in your spare time you check on them. It is extremely stressful and life-changing. I wish I can give you better news. You always have to be there advocate. Even if you put them in a memory care or Assisted Living you will always have to check on the care that they are receiving.
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You can't. There aren't enough hours in the day for you to do it all by yourself.

A 24/7 caregiver is almost an oxymoron. I was one and some days I felt like I was just an idiot for even trying to do it all. But I was an idiot madly in love with my DH and I was thankful to be able to be a 24/7 caregiver as there was just no one else available to assist me.

There will be no social life unless you make time and room for yourself in this mix. Since my DH was my social life, while I felt isolated - I was isolated with the love of my life. Had he lived longer, I would gladly still be attending to him.

He should be eligible for some aid & assistance and possibly you can even get paid (I couldn't get anything as the spouse) - if he was a veteran, the VA should be able to offer advice and possibly some help.

Praying for you and your sanity.
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I am a caregiver for my own husband and used to work part time. After his stroke, that ended. You mentioned that you applied for Aide and Attendance. I don't think that pays very much, however if approved that should open doors for more assistance and perhaps some in home care to give you some relief?

I know what you are talking about and it is not easy. My only social life was work and now that is gone too.
Have you talked to the local Veteran Service Officer or anyone in the county unit on aging?
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In our town we had something called perspectives, an organization that was like a babysitting service for those with Alzheimer’s. It went on an ability to pay scale so it only cost me $4 an hour and I dropped my mom off at 10 before I went to work and had to pick her up at 4. The Alzheimer’s people who go there were told they were helping out and donating their time and they would work on all kinds of projects. Was a life saver. Check in your community to see if they have anything like that.
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I did the same thing, I moved in with my mom about 10 years ago. She had open heart surgery, hip surgery, c diff, and various other illnesses. I lost her April 10 to cardiac arrest at 88 years old. I work full time and had to take her to one or two doc appt's per week. It was SO hard!! I work for the College of Nursing, so that was kind of helpful. They were all pretty understanding for the most part. I was lucky enough that mom ended up on Medicaid to help with a home nurse, CNA and therapists coming to the house. She had someone there almost every day for a couple of hours.

Praying for you, I know it is SO hard. I would do it again in a heartbeat though. I so miss my mom!
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Pretty much has been said by other answers- If you are a full-time caregiver, You don't have a job or a life. That is your job and life. How do you do it all? Well, depends on what day you ask....some days I think I cannot go on one more day. Other days I think- "I got this"
8 years now here.
It is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. The right thing always is.
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In addition to trying for the Aide and Attendance, you can see about Medicaid for Medicaid Long Term Care (check your local Area Agency on Aging - google it and/or go in person to fill the application ). Medicaid LTC will provide aides for personal care, homemaking, companion care, incontinence supplies. Also, check with your doctor to ask for Home Health (through Medicare benefits) for home RN, PT/OT for strengthening. If the dr. agrees and orders it, those services can start immediately while you are waiting on others.
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In California we have "In-home supportive services" which (it is income based - his not yours) will pay someone - and it could be you - to take care of him for at least part of the time - depends on what he needs. check government listings in your area
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You may want to discuss with your father about getting a camera system in the home. In public areas of course. That way at least you can check on him from time to time. Sounds as if he is pretty good at taking care of himself if he can get on the roof but I do see your concern. I care for my mom and sometimes you just need to go out and socialize and say a prayer that he will be ok. If you continue to worry and fret and not have some time for yourself you will become bitter and then you will feel trapped. I care for my mother with alzheimers and I work full time and i make time for friends, mani/pedi, movies etc. It is hard but I get her up in the morning, feed and change her, get her settled in watching TV then go to work. I have a camera so i check in frequently and luckily I work 15 minutes from home so I often go home for lunch and make sure she eats. Saturdays are my day to go out with friends and relax. I know everyone's situations are different but first thing you need to do is evaluate your situation and think of solutions and options. You may have to try a few before you find a living situation that works for you both and gives you some time to relax.
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It is hard all around. There are resources available that I am finding out about little by little.

Check with your local department of aging. They do have volunteers that can come to the house for about 4 hours. Where I live, the local office will also provide a stipend for caregivers ($250 per year). It can go to a day of respite or personal care supplies.

You can also check on adult daycare centers. They may provide transportation.

Check your local Medicaid office to see if you dad qualifies. I am trying to figure out that piece for my Mom. In the state of Maryland, Mom's assets have to be down to $2200. (Her house would exempt at this point.) For a Medicaid waiver -- which would allow Mom to continue to stay in her home after her assets are paid down -- there is an 8-year wait list. Stranger things have happened, but at 94, I don't think Mom will be around then... So, that is out for me....

If your dad qualifies for in-home hospice, the services they provide are limited (aides come 1 hour a few times per week). They do have volunteers, but they cannot provide personal care. In-home hospice would be covered 100% by Medicare.

Of course, all of this is what I have found out for my State. It could be different for you. But, to ease your mind while you are at work, maybe a volunteer would be a good option.
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I can relate. I have been working full-time and care for my 90 year old mother going on four years now. Right after I lost my husband to cancer! I feel like I am going crazy. One of my sister is a godsend but she is really just helping my mom she comes over Monday,Wednesday, and Friday from 10-5 when I get home I take over. I have caregivers the other two days but again. I go from working full time to taking care of my mom all night. No time to myself ever. I don't know how much longer I can do it.
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I would look at day care programs that he might qualify for. In my parents home town, the senior center provides two days a week where the council on aging van picks up the individual and brings them to the center where they engage in board games, exercise class etc, then eat lunch. Then the van brings them home. There are also programs that provide adult day care with nurses and doctors on site, so your loved one gets social interaction and medical care all at once and that can be up to 5 days a week. They provide quiet rooms if the client needs to rest. Perhaps your dad can attend a program like that. Massachusetts also has something called frail elder waiver that brings help into the home for your parent while you are away at work. Contact your county senior council and town senior outreach person to learn of all possible options.
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Put him in a home. He's 97. Jesus...! When does this end for us?! Put him in a home, get on with what's left of your life.
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I FEEL your pain, I’ve been taking care of both parents for 5 years. Mom stroke and like a 4 year old, Dad starting to fail due to full time caregiving with my 75% assistance until I go to work out of town for months at a time. I haven’t been able to go to work since Dec. and the checkbook is screaming at me. He doesn’t make it easy by being resistant to every suggestion or change. BUT recently I was able to get the doctor to put my mom on hospice. THEY are INCREDIBLE, weekly nurse, daily showers, volunteers to give dad respite. I also have mom in a part time adult day care (just went to 3 afternoons a week). And I have visiting angel in once a week to clean. Medicare pays for hospice HUGE!!
We pay for the rest. It all helps but I can’t say it the golden ticket. I am currently painfully deliberating about a trip I was invited on in Greece. I’m not rich or well off, but I could swing it BARELY, before going back to work. The only reason I’m even considering it is that my 22 year old is going on a one way ticket and I probably won’t see him again for a couple of years...and he will never be the same (growth is a good thing)...what an experience to have with your child.
Then the whole caregiving work and responsibility crashes in on me. I’m told by every other caregiver that you MUST take time for yourself. I just don’t know what that looks like.
I send you lots of light to find a resolution for your situation. GOOD LUCK!!
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Many good ideas and things to look into ( I’m new to this!).
He doesn’t have much but it’s too much to qualify for Medicaid and not enough to get him into a quality AL. I keep saying “ at 97 it’s not forever” plus I probably have a bit of guilt having not being available much last year when we lost my mom unexpectedly. He is a sweet man and grateful for all I do, but... I do wish my 3 sibs would step up to the plate once in a while. AND my most absent brother is willed to get all the most valuable possessions! Ugh

Otbeno, go to Greece with your son!! What a fantastic experience/ memory to share with him, and you can never get that time back. Make it work anyway you can! I spent 4 days with my son in NYC at Christmas, we has soo much fun. I agree, I don’t know how to take time for myself. I haven’t even gotten a hair cut in 7 months!
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It’s a struggle everyday ..i work as a Clinical Supervisor RN 12 hours a day 3 days a week at a very busy hospital ..I have caregivers for my work hours ..but on my days off..it’s just me .. I have food delivered in and I just get on with my day ...my sister who helped me died suddenly 5 years ago ,,my heart is so broken and I miss her ...and my brother lives in Thailand , his wife is from there ...so it’s just me I am use to taking care of people , but I also have my dad who dosent live with us he has colon cancer ..and he needs my help a lot ...I understand your pain and I’m sending prayers and hugs for you
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The no life your yourself is tough. I was a big volunteer with the Office of Emergency Management here plus a member of the American Legion, an officer in my church and other things. Have had to stop doing all of them as I couldn't leave my wife alone at night as she needs help getting to the bathroom. Uses a wheel chair. The Agency on Aging is starting to come through with some help through an outfit called ResCare. 99% paid for by Medicare. That should finally start next week. Only an hour a day but they will come out and check on her and fix her lunch and help with the bathroom. Every little helps!
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I am also a full time care giver for my husband with Alz. since March 2012. I see the decline and sometimes I think I cannot go on also. I work full time. Do not have much of a life but I have been able to get help through Aging and Disability Resources (I live in Fla.) I would urge you to find an agency like that. I got him on Medicaid and Long Term Care which provides Adult Day Care and home health aids so I can go to work and not have to worry. It is consuming me. I get angry at times but I love my husband and will not put him in a nursing home. You cannot do this by yourself, your health will suffer and if something happens to you they will end up in a nursing home anyway. Friends stop calling and visiting and I decided if I want to do something I will do it by myself when the aids are with him (cruising, going to the gym, concerts, etc.
Take care of yourself PLEASE!!!!!
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