This is the very reason that I never considered an AL facility for my mom, I knew that she would would be an easy target for male predation while unable to fully consent or effectively refuse.
She has identified one sweet old man on the MC unit as her "fellow" and I know that she's immediately redirected if it goes beyond a peck on the cheek. He sits holding a fake baby doll and is very tender, unaware of his surroundings so it's not as though he would ever bust a move; it's harmless. She's lonely and it helps her to feel less so to have someone whom she seems to believe sees her as his companion.
I would report these activities to state agencies and also report the lack of staff oversight. Many of these elders are not able to consent or refuse, the are vulnerable adults. Besides, unlubricated sex for an elderly woman would be painful and cause a UIT or worse; those old men are not clean in the genital area. This is unconscionable - if not between husband and wife - and must be stopped.
Really Luta, I don't think the State can do anything about it. If both people seem OK with it, even if Dementia is involved, they are adults who have rights.
For some reason Mom did not like men when she had Dementia. Did not want them near her. I so hope that the staff in her AL saw this and redirected the man away from Mom. He was a toucher.
In response to SP. That is a good point. But, even people with a Dementia have rights by law. Thats why the law says no restraints. They are not patients they are residents. Renting a room in a facility where they also are cared for. You cannot make them do what they don't want to. Thats why it so hard to care for them.
You know why they don't allow bedrails? My daughter says because out if maybe 100 people a little old lady got her head stuck between the railing and mattress and suffocated. But, lots of people fall out if bed and hit their head or break a hip and die from complications but thats OK. Same with wheelchairs. People get up, fall and again hit their head or break a hip and die. But you cannot restrain them for their safety. The State ties these facilities hands. When will safety override a persons rights. A person that no longer understands why they should not stand up or try to get out of bed.
This is why these facilities need to have segregated men and womens wings. With a common area for dining and socializing. These people are demented and have no idea what they are consenting to or with whom. It is inappropriate to allow them to engage in sexual activities with each other. This isn't a frat or sorority house for gods sake.
This is common. My daughter worked in NHs. She has gone into a residents room and turned around and walked out, closing the door behind her. She had a couple who thought they were married. If you tried to separate them they put up a fight. Better to leave them alone. Both had living spouses who visited.
I am with Grandma when it comes to be being bedbound or doesn't like to be touched. It needs to be mutual. Not a man forcing himself on another resident and visa versa. There was a woman in Moms AL that went for ever new man that came into the facility. My own mother took a dislike to men and being touched. So I know she would not have liked the attention.
When Mom was in rehab so was one of her AL residents who had taken a liking to her. I knew him and he was a dirty old man before his Dementia. The nurses were allowing him to sit next to a woman who must have had a stroke because she just sat there. Her eyes only the things she seemed to move, He was talking to her. Touching her face. I went to the nurses desk and complained. He was being allowed to touch someone who could not speak for herself. I also told them to keep him away from my mother. She knew him and did not like him. I was told that he is allowed to go where he wants. I said true, so you get Mom out of the situation. An aide overheard me and told me later, on her shift she would watch out for Mom. She also told me that 2 aides always go into his room together because he tries things with them.
Flashing lights in each room: DON'T FORGET THE CONDOM. Except if they've already forgotten almost everything else, they won't remember the condom either.
There is not much staff can or will do. This is a "fact of life" in IL, AL, and MC. "We" all crave touch, closeness. In many cases when a loved one is placed in MC they will form an attachment with another resident. I would ignore the sexual activity BUT when my loved one has a doctors appointment I would insist that testing for STD's be done as gently as possible.. (I think I would do this even if I did not know there was sexual activity going on) The exception to the "ignore" it is if my loved one is disabled to the point of being bedbound or unable to resist any touch that is unwanted. That would put another spin on the situation. but if 2 residents are hand holding, cuddling, kissing I would not have a problem. (other than the fact that potentially my LO would be "seeing more action" than I would)
She has identified one sweet old man on the MC unit as her "fellow" and I know that she's immediately redirected if it goes beyond a peck on the cheek. He sits holding a fake baby doll and is very tender, unaware of his surroundings so it's not as though he would ever bust a move; it's harmless. She's lonely and it helps her to feel less so to have someone whom she seems to believe sees her as his companion.
I would report these activities to state agencies and also report the lack of staff oversight. Many of these elders are not able to consent or refuse, the are vulnerable adults. Besides, unlubricated sex for an elderly woman would be painful and cause a UIT or worse; those old men are not clean in the genital area. This is unconscionable - if not between husband and wife - and must be stopped.
Make those reports!
For some reason Mom did not like men when she had Dementia. Did not want them near her. I so hope that the staff in her AL saw this and redirected the man away from Mom. He was a toucher.
You know why they don't allow bedrails? My daughter says because out if maybe 100 people a little old lady got her head stuck between the railing and mattress and suffocated. But, lots of people fall out if bed and hit their head or break a hip and die from complications but thats OK. Same with wheelchairs. People get up, fall and again hit their head or break a hip and die. But you cannot restrain them for their safety. The State ties these facilities hands. When will safety override a persons rights. A person that no longer understands why they should not stand up or try to get out of bed.
I am with Grandma when it comes to be being bedbound or doesn't like to be touched. It needs to be mutual. Not a man forcing himself on another resident and visa versa. There was a woman in Moms AL that went for ever new man that came into the facility. My own mother took a dislike to men and being touched. So I know she would not have liked the attention.
When Mom was in rehab so was one of her AL residents who had taken a liking to her. I knew him and he was a dirty old man before his Dementia. The nurses were allowing him to sit next to a woman who must have had a stroke because she just sat there. Her eyes only the things she seemed to move, He was talking to her. Touching her face. I went to the nurses desk and complained. He was being allowed to touch someone who could not speak for herself. I also told them to keep him away from my mother. She knew him and did not like him. I was told that he is allowed to go where he wants. I said true, so you get Mom out of the situation. An aide overheard me and told me later, on her shift she would watch out for Mom. She also told me that 2 aides always go into his room together because he tries things with them.
This is a "fact of life" in IL, AL, and MC.
"We" all crave touch, closeness.
In many cases when a loved one is placed in MC they will form an attachment with another resident.
I would ignore the sexual activity BUT when my loved one has a doctors appointment I would insist that testing for STD's be done as gently as possible.. (I think I would do this even if I did not know there was sexual activity going on)
The exception to the "ignore" it is if my loved one is disabled to the point of being bedbound or unable to resist any touch that is unwanted. That would put another spin on the situation.
but if 2 residents are hand holding, cuddling, kissing I would not have a problem. (other than the fact that potentially my LO would be "seeing more action" than I would)