My MIL went into AL in March 2021 reluctantly. She was living in a hoarder house, and suffering from hallucinations, delusions and mental illness as well as the beginnings of dementia. My FIL passed 8 months previously and a cousin would bring groceries. She thought her house was haunted. She wanted to move in with us, but she has a teacup Yorkie that is not house trained. Her house smelled horrible. We had a dog that was aggressive and didn’t want her dog in our nice home nor my MIL who fights at the drop of a hat.
She wanted to live with us, but she abused DH verbally for about 15 years prior to his father’s death and had told her years earlier that she would never live with him.
Grace took the dog with her to AL, where it continues to pee and poop in her one room apartment. Initially, she was good about cleaning up. Her mental condition deteriorated and we were unable to take her to the neurologist because she would have insisted on taking the dog with her. She is afraid of losing the dog.
Grace no longer allows people to enter her apartment regularly to clean and assist her and the AL wants dog walkers to come or the dog removed. It is obvious that she isn’t able to care for the dog anymore.
Grace is aggressive and will attack people. The dog will bark excessively, but is generally harmless. Having dog walkers come in isn’t practical in this case. Either Grace & the dog are out or the dog goes.
DH would like to take the Yorkie to a no kill shelter and is waiting to hear back before retrieving the dog.
The issue is how to retrieve the dog from the room without causing his mother to attack him. Her rage would make her very strong, even at almost 90. The AL will provide someone to distract Grace while DH retrieves the dog.
DH asked about memory care and was told that without a diagnosis of dementia, she couldn’t be transferred there. The psychiatric assistant reviewed her files and that she was diagnosed with dementia and that memory care could be an option.
I asked DH if he had heard anything back and the answer was no. His total lack of curiosity is the standard modus operondi. He is just not interested in what befalls her.
I think the psychiatric assistant is afraid of Grace. Grace can be quite frightening when she is riled up and will hit with force. That is unacceptable, but if that is how she is behaving, something must be done. The problem with a psychiatric hospital is that once she is treated and better, no memory care or assisted living facility would take her.
Grace, at almost 90 in two weeks, could really benefit from a psychiatric treatment for her dementia, anxiety, delusions, depression, imagined bugs under her skin and so on, and if the psychiatrist, not just the psychiatric assistant reports to would just visit her and deal with her directly, that would be a step in the right direction. It doesn’t seem to work that way at this facility.
I find medical care for the elderly is unsatisfactory since medication doesn’t always work the way it is supposed to work. Also, as one gets older it becomes more difficult to find doctors who are sympathetic or understanding of a person’s age or needs.
You husband need to forgive his Mom at some point. He doesn't have to care for her or be involved with the care she is getting, just forgive. Mental illness is a catch 22, d***ed if u do d***ed if u don't. I have cousins that are BiPolar. Neither medicate. Yes, meds help but make them feel weird. One cousin says he never felt he was himself but a different person. The other is off the wall because she won't take them. A friend felt better or meds. So much so, he stopped them feeling he felt good. Its her mental illness that is the problem. Nothing she asked for and the cause why she thinks the way she does. She really need to be inba physic facility where meds will be introduced. There will be trial and error till the right cocktail is found.
Put it in a crate, Kate!
Give it to a friend, Lynn!
Maybe euthanize, Lize…
…seriously, I’d be more concerned for the little Yorkie (though I am no fan of that little rat-sized breed) than for the crazy old lady. Get it rehomed, and let her scream until she wears herself out. Sheesh.
I wish neurologists made house calls. If one paid her a visit, it would be enlightening.
DH has reached out to the psychiatric assistant to discuss immediate memory care and starting medication once there. This is of course predicated on removing her dog. Grace’s 90th birthday is next month.
i hope the dog will be in a new home by then & Grace will get the care she needs before then.
It is so many missed opportunities and angry events. DH really has had it with his mother and like in other questions on this site wishes that her mental and physical suffering would end sooner than later. He wishes his father had a better end. His father slipped & fell at home, couldn’t get up and lay there for 3 days until he convinced Grace to call 911 at the time. She only visited once in the 2 weeks it took for him to die & only under pressure from DH and her sister. OTH DH was at his father’s side as much as he could be, while taking care of the insurance, bills, grocery shopping and so on. There was hardly any food in the house because of COVID. Everything about his mother makes him angry. She is lucky to even have a place to live. She would probably have ended up on the street after going to the state mental hospital for a temporary hold by the police for calling too often.
I told him to at least make a little effort and have her in AL. It meant he would not have to visit her or talk with her or worry about a phone call from the police.
It does not make any sense to me to leave a delusional, paranoid, physically out of control patient with meds to even out her mood or tame the psychic demons who are tormenting her.
I told my husband is very reluctant and resistant in dealing with her.
I asked him to talk with the ALF about moving Grace directly to memory care after the dog is removed. This discussion should occur before the dog is removed. My fear is that she will make a big scene and one way to distract her is to move her to memory care while the dog is being removed. She would then not be able to pursue the dog as she would be locked in that section. I can think of a # of excuses to move her there. She rarely leaves her room as it is.
I want him to ask about providing more assistance with her neurological issues once she is transferred to MC. Grace is strong enough when angry to hurt someone. It is inappropriate to respond back at her age with the same force. My husband is 68 and I am 61. We have no desire to be on the receiving end of her physical attacks, as are the rest of the employees of the ALF/memory care area.
Since Grace is self-pay, I think they would be more than happy to move her.
If your husband wants to wash his hands of her, then maybe Long-term care is the answer. She will be totally taken care of. There is a doctor affiliated with the home. Round the clock Nurses. She gets her meals, her toiletries, laundry done, socialization, depends, and care. You may only need to supply clothing. When her money runs out, there is Medicaid. You just visit.
Dog needs to see the vet for (fill in the blank). Have vet precsribe something to calm the dog and MIL's dr something to calm HER.
Remove dog and hand over to new owners.
Stall out MIL as long as possible. During that time, perhaps look into some much more aggressive care for HER. ANd definitely get the apartment clean--hire it done if you can. Your MIL will fight you tooth and nail on this, but it's past the point of being a 'small nuisance'. Don't her neighbors complain about a yappy dog?
Good Luck!
. Dog may have picked up the anger issues of owner…
im sure mom has yelled at many people.. the dog only knows that personality
She has been receiving care from doctors who come in and her room is filthy and smells horrendously.
Husband doesn’t want to help at all. He was so happy to get her into AL and leave her. Grace thought it would temporary. The AL told us to lie to her as well. We can’t take now as our home is being remodeled. The space she would have occupied, is not acceptable for an 89 year old, who has all these mental problems and a dog that pees and poops everywhere inside. She needs services we can not provide her.
She was told the dog was a primary reason she couldn’t live with us, but another is that she refuses to go back to the doctor and fights everyone. She has a lot of medical and psychiatric problems, mostly the focus on the dog and that she is afraid someone is going to break in and attack her. (Part of her delusions and hallucinations). She used to call 911 every day.
I reminded him that he does have a responsibility to her and that he should help to remove the dog. He doesn’t want to be physically attacked.
I told him to tell her that her neighbors are complaining (true) and her apartment needs deep cleaning. The dog needs to go to the groomer and the vet for a checkup afterwards, but she needs to stay to make sure her apartment is ok. While he is talking with her, or while the staff is talking with her the dog is whisked out of the apartment.
After this occurs, I told him that she needs to move to the locked memory care section on the second floor so she doesn’t leave looking for the dog. He will need to reach out to them on Monday. This is another reason he needs to be there.
We’ll find out more tomorrow.
Since then her one remaining sister died, and Grace probably realizes at this point that she isn’t leaving. I just hope that she can find a little peace and not be so angry when the dog is gone.
The dog should never have gone into ALF with Grace. So , yes, however the dog is removed it should be removed and placed in a shelter. Then it should be explained to Grace that she is unable to care for the dog, and it has gone to another home. I am sorry. This is a lot of grief, but then life is nothing BUT grief when dealing with hoarding.
I am afraid that memory care of nursing home, likely with medication, is the next step you will have to prepare yourselves for.
This is all a terrible tragedy, and I am so very sorry.
Now the dog. Does MIL go down for meals? Does she allow for the aides to bathe her? Does she sleep? Maybe give MIL a sleeping pill to put her out. Take a carrier and place the dog in it. When she asks what happen to her dog, staff should say maybe it got out and they will keep and eye out for it. If you feel MIL will get aggressive, ask her doctor for a prescription that will keep her calmed down.
I so hope the shelter excepts the dog. Little dogs like that are barkers. Maybe one of the staff members will take the dog. Just explain it needs to be trained and not used to children. You should have no problem placing a Yorkie.
We had a toy poodle that the owner wanted to be rid of because it went in her house. Problem, she never let the dog out when he needed to go. We never had a problem with him.
Talk to Grace's doctor about medication for the anger, anxiety.
2. The dog needs to go in for Rabies, Parvo, Distemper and whatever else will get the dog to the Vet.
3. Tell Grace you will get the dog groomed as well. (this will take several hours and you will bring the dog back when it is done.)
Now use any of these....
*The dog had a reaction to one of the vaccines and needs to stay overnight at the Vet.
*The groomer found that the dog has fleas and the flea dip will take longer.
Medicating Grace will help because she will become more agitated when the dog does not return.
With the dog gone a good cleaning of her apartment ... and think about a move from AL to MC.
Moreover, sounds like Grace needs meds for anxiety and/or should be checked for a UTI. I wish you a good outcome for all involved.