On Monday, our mother is leaving a rehab facility (from which she eloped once but didn't get far) and moving into her new aging-in-place room in a group home (licensed, highly rated, secure, etc.) She is not "gone" enough to realize hey, this isn't my house! Where the hell am I? She is going to be FURIOUS but my sibs and I feel this is what is best. (She is rated 13 of 30 on that Alz scale, and though I'm not sure I believe it, 6e or 7a on the "stages" scale).

How on earth do we redirect her from when starts asking, "Where's my house?" "Where am I?" "Why am I here?" "Where is my car?" "Why have you done this to me?" "Go away and don't ever come again." "If this is how you 'love' me, I'd hate to see what would happen if you didn't." She is extraordinarily stubborn, doesn't believe anything is wrong with her, is completely mystified why she is in rehab (and called my sister 12 times last night to find out why...). Is and always has been a very difficult to please person. But particularly, is there any silver bullet to deflect these questions?

We have tried "because it's better/safer for you" and such, but the answer to that is always "Bullsh*t." Mom never cussed before this. In fact, she is so difficult, we have been advised not to visit her in this new place for a while, to let her "settle in." We are afraid that may never happen. Words of advice for us 3 kids (ages 54, 57, 60) who only want to see her at least content if not happy. Thanks.

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In my case, I’d SAY the reasons why she was there, and leave, and the wonderful staff would get her back in line and distract her.
She needed this approach for about six months, and we are now to the point where she’ll say “Who’s taking me home?” (Me) “It’s freezing out. Why don’t you stay right here where it’s cozy.” (LO) “Where will I sleep?” (me) “Your room is right down the hall.” etc....
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Segoline, in Central Florida. We have found a great place. We are very happy with it. Five residents, round-the-clock care, great administrators...but pricey. Luckily, Mom can afford it (though she hates tipping even 10% at restaurants), but if it comes up, we are telling her Medicare and her insurance are paying for it.

We've tried blaming the docs for why she's there in the first place (answer to that is "Bullsh*t"), but interestingly, in posting this question, I see one of the tag words assigned is "anosognosia," which I had to look up. I found this, among other definitions: "also called 'lack of insight,' is a symptom of severe mental illness experienced by some that impairs a person's ability to understand and perceive his or her illness. It is the single largest reason why people with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder refuse medications or do not seek treatment." Mom has no idea she has a problem, so blaming docs only gets the response mentioned above, along with "They know I have good insurance so oh, boy, look out. They'll say you have anything to get paid."

We had to trick her to get her to the doc in the first place - she had broken her tibia. I'll say this for her - she has a high pain threshold.

I wish you luck with your situation. If the home situation I described in my original post sounds like something that could help your situation, google "Sutton Homes" and see if you can find something similar in your area. There may be key words and phrases that may help in your search. Likely, too, your state has an agency that governs SNFs, ALFs, etc. That's how I found Sutton. Good luck!
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Segoline Jan 2019
I looked up sutton homes. Fascinating concept. I also had to look up long term diversion program payment.

More of these types of facilities hopefully will be on the horizon.

Our mom is in a MC facility and we are very happy with it.
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Can't believe she is still this with it at stage 6 or7.

I guess you need to say that you know she wasn't happy in rehab so the doctor suggested you stay here for a while until he feels you are better?

My Mom was so far gone that she excepted the change to AL and then LTC. Actually, she ended up believing the staff over me. She kept hunting for a baby. I explained that there were no babies because the facility was for adults. She stopped and told the aide what I said and told her she would believe it if the aide said it was true. Which she did and Mom was satisfied.
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shb1964 Jan 2019
I'm shocked, too. In reading up, my sister and I had figured maybe stage 5. She knows all of us and certain faces she regular sees, but couldn't remember you if she met you five minutes ago. No problems toileting, though she refuses to bathe or change her clothes. But in telling us about the late stage she seems to be in, others have said (and which I knew) everyone's path is different.

We've tried saying she's in rehab because docs said she couldn't go home yet from the hospital (in addition to Alz, she had a severe UTI and broke her tibia, both of which are cured/healing nicely), but because she has no idea or concept anything is wrong, she doesn't care that they say she needs to be anywhere other than home. When we say "till he feels you are better," we get cussed out. "I feel fine!" She's a tough old bird...I'll give her that.
Do we have the same mother?
Charge nurses have said to blame on the doctor. These are doctor's orders.

If she is like mine, that will not be the magic bullet you are looking for, but it may help deflect.
Sounds like you have found a great place.

What part of the country are you in?
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