How do we not feel guilty for not being able to visit my mother in a nursing home?

Try to change the word because the words we tell ourselves are powerful. You didn't cause this; it isn't your "fault". There should be no guilt, and you aren't a felon or evil doer. Those who "should" feel guilt almost never do. The G-word you need is "grief". You are grieving that your Mom is losing herself, that she is distressed,that you aren't God and can't fix it, that everything can't be fixed, that now this grief and despair are added to your already overwhelmed life. That you cannot find any answer to help either your Mom's or your own feelings. Is that not worth grieving? Is that not worth you heartbreak? Is that not worth your tears? Please go easy on yourself. You aren' t responsible and you are doing all you can, and owe it to yourself and your family to stay as well and strong as you can. My heart goes out to you and I wish you well. The very sad truth is that your frequent visits are distressing both of you, and to no good end. Visit less. She may adjust better, and she may NOT, but right now her mind isn't her own nor yours to help.

Visits are more for your peace of mind than they are for your mother at this point. If you're going to feel guilty for not visiting, then plan to visit and make time to do so, even if it's for 15 minutes a pop once a week. She will know you're there, even with advanced dementia.

When my mother with advanced dementia got agitated during our visits with her in Memory Care AL, or decided she had something 'urgent' she needed to do, my DH and I would just leave. Kiss her goodbye and tell her we loved her and would come back again at another time. Short visits are best when dementia is involved, that's what I've found. Bring a snack along or a small gift, and leave the moment things get stressful.

Best of luck.

Based on what you say, M won’t remember when you came. Any visit might be remembered, or none. I’d consider scrapping the ‘we visit’, and taking it in turns for one person to go. A useful topic of conversation - where the other one is? 10 minutes with M, then see the staff to get an update and let them know that you are ‘watching’.

If you are near enough, I’d try the ten minute “….just stopping by to say hello and make sure everything was OK”, then leave.

Behaviors DO change during the course of dementia, and if she doesn’t feel better with longer visits, you have no obligation (AT ALL) to hang around.

Super short visits indicate your love and care, and keep life comfortable for both of you.

I’ve been doing exactly this since December 2021.

Because it is still your mother and you need to see she is properly cared for. How else would you know? The staff do not have the time to give you updates.
Continue as you do and when she becomes agitated the visit is over. Who knows what is getting through to her brain.

Family needs to visit the NH regularly if for no other reason than to show the staff that you are checking up on the care being received. Visit her in her room rather than in common areas. It might be more comforting to her in her own room. Make the effort to visit her at least weekly. I've been in the NH and I valued the visits I received from family and friends. I still do even though I'm at home.

Keep the visits short - 10 minutes - and bring her a favorite treat to eat while you visit. Your visits can be kept to making sure her room is clean, clothes are clean, she's clean, etc. If you catch her on a good day, stay longer. I would say a monthly visit is the minimum to make sure she's getting the care she needs.

I have a mother with Alzheimer’s in a Long term care facility. She has been there since she fell down and broke her hip last October. I visit her weekly. Sometimes I miss a week here and there because I live about 1 and 1/2 hrs away from the NH but I do my best to get in there because it’s important that the staff knows you’re a regular visitor. I truly hope that everyone in the nursing home is treated well to the best of the staff’s ability. My mom looks better and she doesn’t really know where she is. She just thinks she is staying at someone’s house. I let her think that because that’s what she believes.
I feel for you because you have a full plate of life with your own family. It’s not easy to make the time but if you can figure out a way to get out there at least 2x a month, I think it would be good just to make sure she is taken care of.
I find mid-morning visits are the best time. She’s never agitated at that time. I visit her in her room and I always bring her food. It’s one of the few pleasures she enjoys these days. Also I have found that late afternoon visits are not good because that is the time she starts to get agitated.
I hope this helps you.

Perhaps you could hire a Visiting Angel to do your visits and facilitate a FaceTime call and reporting back to you about her living conditions and personal hygiene. If you make a list of Mom's belongings, the Visiting Nurse can take an inventory.

P.S. Time is irrelevant to a dementia patient.

Keep visiting as much as you can. Don’t stop. Doesn’t matter if she can only remember or tolerate you for 10 minutes. It’s ok.