How do we handle this situation? Help Please!

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We sold our own home and moved into the lower suite of my 85 year old mother-in-law's home 2 years ago to help her stay in the home as long as possible. Until this spring she was golfing, bowling and square dancing weekly, a social butterfly and a gorgeous lady. In May she went for a massage for an old back fracture and ended up with nerve damage. Since that time she has had back pain and has gone from the busy vibrant lady she was to housebound and not dressing or moving from the couch. She has had a difficult time getting any pain relief because she is on warfarin so she has on had Tylenol for pain. Physiotherapy has not helped. She is now waiting to get into a pain clinic but that is 4/to 6/weeks away. I finally demanded the doctor give her pain meds and he gave her a butrans patch 2 days ago so we are waiting for some relief from that. Our main concern is that she was told that she should be walking and perhaps swimming and.or using an exercise bike (which we have and we have gotten out for her) but this very previously active lady is now not moving AT ALL. If I don't go up to make her a piece of toast for breakfast and phones her 89 year old boyfriend and has him come and do it for her. So she is pretty much moving from her bed to the couch and back. She must be going to the washroom so I told my husband that if she can do that she should be able to get to the kitchen for toast, particularly if the doctor is saying she should be on an exercise bike and swimming! Am I being cruel? I make her supper and my husband takes it to her. She used to eat out with her boyfriend at least 4 times a week and lunch out with friends almost daily. That was only 3 months ago. The other day when I mentioned it to her she said she had been on one of the medications for her nerve pain (which just happened in May) "way longer than 4 months".). She just got it from the doctor in July. So now I'm beginning to wonder if she doesn't realize what state she is in in that living room day in and day out. She has a TV tray in front of her that is covered with stuff that I am continually trying to clean off but can't keep it clean. It is like trying to clean up after a toddler but this one doesn't move around. Tuesday shewas to go to physo and I went to get her 3 times and she was still sitting watching TV. Finally I had to say are you getting ready? And then she finally realized what time it was even though she has a huge clock right above the TV and I had been up 3 times and mentioned it. She is very strong willed. She complains all day about the pain but shoots down every idea and plan anyone has to help. We have a home TENS which she has been told would give her some relief but she won't use it. She won't let me open the curtains of air out the room which smells like urine. I feel like the few friends and family that do come to visit are probably judging my husband and I but she is very strong willed and set in her says and stubborn and doesn't realize that what she is doing is bad for her health and I believe will put her in a wheelchair in no time at all or worse. I think this thing is quickly going beyond us if I don't get some help. Who do we turn to? Her doctors? Elder care in the area? We live in Canada. My husband is going to talk to her boyfriend this evening and tell him to quit helping so much. She needs to get up, I think. Do you agree?

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I posted my comment before I read your updated information.
So glad you took action and bless you for not just listening to one Drs opinion.
I hope things go better now for your MIL.
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At the very beginning of your question you said she went for a massage due to an old back injury, and the massage caused this new damage. I wonder if the masseuse was ignorant to your MILs age and used too much pressure for an elderly, already injured previously, woman to endure. Was this a qualified/medically certified massage therapist? Maybe you should report this incident to whoever employs this person.
As for your poor MIL, I think you should get a second Dr's opinion. Maybe her pain is a lot worse than the Dr. thought, and she's depressed because she can't walk around or ride the stationary bike, and she's disappointed in herself for not being able to do all that the Dr. said she can do.
If she was so active before, she's probably a fighter so I believe the Dr probably didn't get the severity of her pain level correct.
In any case, I'd definitely get a second opinion and then you'd be sure she was diagnosed correctly.
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I am so happy and relieved for both of you. What is said above is so true...99% of people, if exhibiting signs of pain, have a medical reason for it to exist. Why is that so hard for drs to understand? Good for you for taking the bull by the horns and geting her help. I imagine that when she gets better, your relationship will have changed for the better.
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Just thinking the same thing, CW. My mother had an undiagnosed hip fracture two years back. Where there is pain, there needs to be an xray.
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I'm so glad she's no longer in pain and that you, good lady, took action. Best of luck to you and to her. Let us know how this works out.
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I'm so glad you finally found someone to listen to your concerns and take action. I found the similarities between your mom and dmanbro's mom striking, and danged if there wasn't an undiagnosed fracture and heart failure too, shame on the first doctor for dismissing all your concerns. Hopefully the hospital can get things stabilized and your mom resting more comfortably. Bravo!
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Its been a long, emotional, exhausting week so far. This will be long-winded. I dont think i ever told you that my MIL, Marion, was 5 years with smoldering multiple myeloma. Her last blood test, in June, was clear. All she has ever had in way of bone issues is the one fracture at L1 two years ago, which healed. On Monday morning I got up and drove to her clinic, stood at the front desk and asked for an appointment with her primary doctor, Carter, who she hasnt been able to see since June for one reason or another, vacation, booked up, teaching, etc. When they said she was once again booked up I began to cry and the nurse took pity on me and got me a conference with her. When I told Dr. Carter what was happening and that Marion refused to go to hospital she told me to bring her in immediately. I went and got Marion and Dr. Carter talked to her and examined her and was quite alarmed about her condition. She sent us to the hospital (remember we are in a small centre, hospital is pretty much next door) for chest and back x-rays and blood work. Dr. Carter told us if anything got worse we should get straight to the hospital. As we were leaving after the chest x-ray Marion told me she had had a coughing fit while getting re-dressed. She asked me why they asked for a chest x-ray and I said it was because she was complaining that her chest hurts and is heavy and she is short of breath and that they are likely worried about pneumonia. We drove home and when I got her settled on the couch she started coughing and coughing up phlegm uncontrollably. I said thats it Mom, we're going to Emergency. Once at Emerg (after the wait) they had all her results. She was in congenital heart failure, kidney failure, she has two new fractures on her spine at T12 just above the healed L1 fracture. They admitted her to a private room, she has been vomiting all week, she cant eat but she cant be on saline IV because of the salt content and the kidney failure. She hasnt had a BM since Sunday, she is looking better, her pain if finally under control. Ironically, shes under the care of the doctor I was texting that wouldnt give her anything but Tylenol, the one that thought it was nerve pain, because her primary doctor doesnt have hoslital privileges and he does and she asked for him. Grrr. He told her the first day when I wasnt there he was putting her down for rehab physo. I just about lost it when I showed up and she told me!!! Then the next day she told me he came back that evening and told me hed read her chart and there would be no physio. Yea!! I think not!!! Today my husband and I talked to him and I asked if the kidney failure and vomiting was indicative of the multiple myeloma. He said absolutely. However, they did a CT scan yesterday and no lesions showed up and her blood tests do not show the usual levels indicative of MM. So now they have to send her by ambulance to our cancer institute to her doctor for a bone biopsy to be certain. So thats where we are at. Shes echsusted but out of pain and where she needs to be and the whole family and all her friends are so relieved that we got her off the couch and out of this house. I sat here Tuesday evening and crird with relief as it was the first evening in 3 months that I didnt feel helples with my loved one sitting under the same roof as me in excrutiating pain. I still feel a bit helpless and I still want to hang around at the hospital and hover and fuss but its only 7 minutes from home and at least now I can come home knowing shes out of pain and comfortable, I can take a hot bath, look after myself without guilt and look to another day.
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You should call an ambulance and get her to the hospital. Specialists will see her in the hodpital who can't /won't see her as an outpatient. If you take an elderly person to the ER with chest pain you get action. If she dies of untreated pneumonia, how are YOU going to feel.?
Look, mol os not playing with a full deck due to the pain. You have been appointed the grownup. Now call the ambulance.
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Why would an ortho not see her? There are other treatments besides surgery (cortisone shots, etc).
So, she will never forgive you..for what? Trying to do the best for her? She will, and if not, you can rest easy that you did what is best for her health.
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Well we started out this morning not being able to get through on the phone to the clinic again so I drove there and got a conference with my MILs principal doctor. She has made a time to see her at noon today. No more of this crap. I told her the pain she is in, the chest heaviness and loss of breath, the not eating, the depression, her inability to walk more than just from the bedroom to the living room to the bathroom to the kitchen and back, the crying, the inability to leave the house because of the pain, the fear of going to the hospital. She agreed with me that she should probably be in the hospital and I should just call an ambulance. I said she would never forgive me. I think she is scared that if she goes to the hospital first, she will sit there for hours in severe pain and second that she may never come home. The doctor did tell me that no ortho specialist would see her if she is not a candidate for surgery and she is not. Also that you cannot get a priority appointment for a pain clinic. So it is simply up to these doctors to make her comfortable OR she has to go to the hospital. Thats it.
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