This weekend i got the surprise of my life. MY FIL and MIL were here for a short visit - they live 1000 miles away. My husband has always had a stressful relationship with them - no matter that we are in our 50's - they come, feel like they can criticize all that we do, that we don't know anything - expect us to change when we eat, what we eat, wait on them hand and foot - completely take over. We have full time professional careers that they criticize, opinions that they criticize, parenting skill that they criticize. We have set boundaries but they still try to get us to knuckle under each and every visit "We are your parents, you should......" I am usually wild by the time they leave after 48 hours.
ANYWAY - the last day of their visit over lunch - before DH took them to the airport - they mentioned that they want us to consider buying a larger house (with their financial help) and that we move in together. They want to see more of our son as they age and then as they age, we can help them.
I was stunned. DH said "we'd think about it" and then we got into a huge fight when he came back from the airport. He has absolutely no experience with caregiving. when my dad was at home and i did respite care - my DH was not there. Not to see the decline, the combativeness, the incontinence, the meals thrown on the floor - the constant doctor appointments for hours at a time, the constant getting up a night. The stress and exhaustion that you all know so well. I was wrung out after just a weekend - imagine my step mom who did this for five years!
I feel they should buy into a continuing care community - where they start out with independent living, gradually add services for assisted living, then finally skilled nursing and memory care. They won't consider this because they expect their children to care for them (even though FIL's own mom went into a continuing care facility).
My DH is in his own fantasy world - picturing the Walton's existence, three generations around the dinner table enjoying each other & him finally having the good relationship with them that he never has. In reality - they complain about what we cook and use the dinner table to criticize what we do, how we live, how we raise our son, our opinions, etc. I can't believe he is seriously wanting us to do this.
We can't get along now with them. What about as they age and need more hands on help? it will be ME they expect to drop my job to take them on round after round of doctor appointments, clean for them, cook for them, etc. because i am a woman. My DH disappears when they get on his nerves and i have to deal with them.
Yet - we have fought about this several times since Sunday. He feels I'm "abandoning" his parents by not wanting to consider living with them. He won't look at this website to gain experience, or talk to co-workers going through this, or counseling about this, or listen to my step mom's experience with my dad.
I am going to see a counselor on my own. I have told DH that this is a deal breaker - i WILL NOT live with them. Have any of you dealt with a spouse with his head in the clouds? How do i get him to at least start asking about the experience of others? He wants me to try. My counter point is that this is awfully expensive and disruptive to "try" as we will never be able to unwind this fiasco - so research now. We are at an impasse. Thank you!
Wow, you owe your in-laws, they are toxic, I would never leave my child alone with anyone who belittles him in any way shape or form. Just my opinion. I would think about what transpired from your husband taking them to airport alone. They obviously have zero respect for you, or that conversation about house sharing would have included you. Protect your son, narsisists know no age boundaries. Sounds like a divide and conquer tactic, dad works on DH and grandma works on dear son, while mom is being degraded. IMHO.
Can't wait to hear how Easter plays out. By the way, Honor thy Father and Mother is about respect, Bible also says we leave father and mother and become one with our spouse, also says what God has joined together let no man put asunder. I love my Gods word and hate when people use it to be manipulating and bullying.
Ask for scripture reference, chapter and verse to help you understand when uncle uses it to belittle your DH. Maybe he will see how destructive using Gods word that way is and stop.
That probably gave them the idea that i like doing windows. They admired how clear the view was. My DH said "oh, i don't know. I miss the soft Italianate light filtered through dusty windows". Maybe we can say the light is softer if the window is dirty?
Interesting - my FIL initiated a conversation with us about aging and what he was considering (assisted living etc) but as soon as my FIL started talking about this, my MIL shut him down "I'm not ready to talk about this!!!" almost screamed it out. It seems he is willing to consider some kind of senior living arrangement for more help when they need it for laundry, cooking, bathing etc. but my MIL is NOT.
My MIL had a private conversation with me that was a bit sad - she wanted me to say that she could live with us if she survives FIL. She refuses to consider any type of living other than their current house or ours. "I'm not going to some old people's home where they have stupid craft activities". She mentioned that she knows nothing of their finances except the bank name on the checks she writes for groceries and therefore I imagine she is afraid.
During the visit she kept harping on us about how small our house was and that our son needed more room (the kid has a bed room and a year round porch off his room and the run of the house and yard and he needs more room??) or that we need to host an exchange student sometime (WTF??) and she kept on my about retiring at 50 - so many children of her friends are retiring at 50 and they spend all kinds of time together and live together.
It came out during the private meeting that she is hoping (expecting) to live with us if she survives FIL. While i listened and empathized I told her as gently as i could that i was planning to work until 67 - the new retirement age - and that is almost 20 years, especially to get son through college and save for retirement. I also told her that while DH and I would help her find some place if she no longer could live in their house - that we were not planning on having anyone live with us.
Our house is paid off, the commute for all three of us is reasonable, and we plan on using any extra money for son's school and our retirement, not buying a larger house anywhere else.
I mentioned that our financial planner has people that could help her manage her funds if she survives FIL. That while we would not abandon her - we would not be taking over for FIL to make the decisions and have her live with us.
Overall she took it pretty well - THEN. She thinks i'm a softer touch than DH. She cried and said that we all (two sons and two DIL) going to throw her to the curb. I let her cry it out and reminded her that we would certainly help her. I also suggested that she start to picture surviving FIL and what that might mean for learning about their finances and thinking about living arrangements. That we would be happy to talk with her any time about her fears and concerns and what we might jointly find for her locally for senior services. She wouldn't talk about it any more. Then.
So she pulled DH aside the next day when DS and I were sent on an errand - and ripped into him. DH is smart - he called FIL into the room and told them they need to get on the same page for their elder planning as they obviously were not. THEN, they need to plan survivorship in each case, both FIL and MIL each as the surviving spouse. That while we would be around and would help -that we were not in a position to take someone in. This diverted FIL and MIL who started to have a fight with each other. He accusing her of always wanting someone to take care of her and she accusing him of making all the decisions without consulting her. Their same battle as long as i have known them.
The next day we came home. Aunt from old country called this morning to chew out DH but he politely said "MIL and FIL are not on same page - this is for them to resolve, not me" and hung up.
Interesting developments. I do think it is scary that they are over 80 and have not talked to each other about aging. Do they want to live at home and bring in care? Have they researched what is available locally for seniors? Would they consider assisted living at some point? etc. We will offer help researching or getting them into contact with local social workers, in fact - other DL is a social worker for the elderly in their area - she is a source of information but they are not talking to her.
More as the world turns in the next few months i am sure.
Thanks for being there, everyone.