Dad frequently thinks his parents are still living and he is still a child. We have been telling him they are in heaven. Is there a better way to handle this?
rfisher2861, it's pretty common for the elderly with late-stage dementia to not remember events of their later years and, as the disease progresses, to remember only their very earliest years. So, as others have said, it may be better to not keep telling your dad that his parents are gone and, instead, either change the subject or just go with the flow. But dementia affects everyone differently, so you should do whatever works best for your dad.
That said, here's what worked for my dad: Within two weeks of moving him at age 92 to our home, he completely forgot that he had ever lived anywhere except his childhood and college-day homes from 70+ years ago. Then, easily within the first 24 hours of moving him to a memory care facility a few years later, he didn't remember ever living with us. I visited him daily and he usually thought I was his dad, but sometimes I was one of his brothers, and only rarely did he recognize me as his son. During almost all of those visits, he would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad (which makes me wonder if your dad had been there if he would also have asked us to take him home).
Like I said, everyone's different, so tell your dad what you think is best. Best wishes.
Agreed that it will relive the grief, and now he's mourning them as a child losing his parents.
He's probably scared and needs to feel taken care of. If he asks where they are, give a simple excuse that has them away and you and anyone helping you to look after him for them.
So agree with lealonnie1. Telling him the truth could be painful overandoverandover. It's kind to tell him a fib that they're doing well or something like that.
Of course, he could manage the news just fine, like he may recall it was a relief that they had passed because they were in pain.
Assuming your father has dementia/Alzheimer's, just redirect the conversation when he mentions his parents are still living. Because otherwise, every time you tell him they're deceased, he gets to relive the grief of their passing as a brand new experience. The best thing to do with dementia in general is just change the subject when it's an ugly one, and move onto snack time or an activity he enjoys. If your dad feels he's still a child, perhaps he'd enjoy playing with some trucks or toys that he enjoyed playing with when he was a child. It may be worth your while to offer him some things like that & see if he likes them. Things and activities need to be kept super simple for folks at this stage of life.
That said, here's what worked for my dad: Within two weeks of moving him at age 92 to our home, he completely forgot that he had ever lived anywhere except his childhood and college-day homes from 70+ years ago. Then, easily within the first 24 hours of moving him to a memory care facility a few years later, he didn't remember ever living with us. I visited him daily and he usually thought I was his dad, but sometimes I was one of his brothers, and only rarely did he recognize me as his son. During almost all of those visits, he would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad (which makes me wonder if your dad had been there if he would also have asked us to take him home).
Like I said, everyone's different, so tell your dad what you think is best. Best wishes.
He's probably scared and needs to feel taken care of. If he asks where they are, give a simple excuse that has them away and you and anyone helping you to look after him for them.
Of course, he could manage the news just fine, like he may recall it was a relief that they had passed because they were in pain.
Best of luck to you!